What kind of woman do you want to be?

That's interesting, outs. I can relate to that though haven't tried sprinting yet! It may be different for you but I see my cautiousness as a symptom of my upbringing. Historically I have always had to save up time, money and energy for a rainy day and be self-reliant as if Plan A failed, I needed a back - up resource and not give up. On the plus side this has made me an excellent short and long term multi-tasker and planner but I can't live in the moment at all, much as I would like to.

I would like to be able to be a bit more relaxed and enjoy what I do have wholeheartedly. I'm generally only happy when I'm 'doing' stuff and doing it efficiently.

I want to be able to sprint in both the practical and metaphorical sense. I have this thing in me, this self preservation, or a certain sort of hardness which I can't seem to pierce and it means that I find myself unable, fundamentally, to commit in an absolute way, to anything. I always and sometimes unwillingly hold something back of myself, I just can't let go of that little margin of safety. I can't sprint at full pelt; it's too much of a commitment. I took up.running more than a decade ago, thinking if I learned to sprint physically, I'd be able to reach it in other ways. More than ten years and countless races later, I don't know if that approach will work because I still haven't been able to make myself sprint, all out, nothing held back, yet.

These goals and targets should only be meaningful to you paua. If money, or material possessions, or a career, or clothes with certain labels are not important to your values then be true to yourself - I don't think there is a quicker way to feel disillusioned than if you chase something which is meaningless to you.

I agree,a plan,a set of goals gives definition and purpose.doesnf need to be rigid
I had a plan,and for me its been purposeful and when it's hard going i know its leading somewhere
And i also agree yes do factor in health ,diet,grooming.as these enhance wellbeing

I am mindful of my diet,grooming.and i like make up,fragrances for their diversion and how they lift a mood
I am mindful what the children eat,and their lifestyle. I made all my own baby foods.i make sure they get out to park.we dont over use the car

pauashell - I think it can be helpful to try create a vision of what you want your life to look like in order to identify the (ongoing) processes that will, gradually, get you there. These are not sequential goals and I greatly dispute that they are meaningless - I believe they are meaning itself.

grimbletart

Me.

A younger one

Clearly, that's not going to work…..

paua for me the two things feed one another. I never start a process without the end in mind and I never set myself a goal without working out the process. I also, where possible, ensure that the goals and the process are achieveable and meaningful. Thus I wouldn't set a meaningless goal like 'I want to be beautiful' or 'I want to be happy' or 'I want to be rich.' I also wouldn't set a goal which required a horrible process (though I would accept a bit of pain for the ultimate goal).

I agree that both goals and process are (equally?) important. I have worked for large and well-known companies in the private sector that had no scruples whatsoever and were all about meeting unrealistic deadlines and creating revenue. It was utterly soul destroying. My approach (initially) to working in these environments was to be fair, respectful to my colleagues, open and honest focusing on being productive rather than political to further my career. As that is how I was brought up. Well, suffice to say I got burnt badly. Thankfully I was able to take voluntary redundancy but I feel having been exposed to this environment has 'killed' a part of me that was genuinely kind and positive because these qualities just simply do not fit in with general corporate attitudes ime.

I worry that I will never get my old self back and that having been part of a highly competitive, aggressive and goal driven work market has changed me irrevocably.

Rant over.

pauashell - it's something of a false dichotomy to talk about results-driven versus process-driven because all of us need short and medium term goals to spur us on and give us a sense of progress and we all ought to care about our long-term wellbeing and that of others which is generally heavily weighted in terms of process.

Our current Western, and particularly British and US culture, is heavily focused on results at the expense of process. One of the most horrific treatises I read that illustrated that issue was Terry Leahy's autobiography of his time at Tesco. A company's results versus the wholesale exploitation of customers with all the knock on effects on health (obesity...).

Oh no, you're definitely not the odd one out

"Beauty is very much an inner thing. We can strive for the polished exterior, but if we haven't worked on our inner kindness, compassion, gentleness, acceptance, peace, and so on, all the trips to the salon are a complete waste of time."

Totally agree but feel like the odd one out for thinking so.

Completely agree re focus on appearance Juggling.

Yse, SirChenjin, it concerns me that so many women focus so much on appearances - things like their size and beauty and clothing, as if we were all here merely for decoration! It's something I know I kick against, as to me so many other things are both more interesting and more important.

I also like the idea of focusing more on process than results. To me that would include hoping to live together happily and harmoniously as a family, what we actually all do is somewhat secondary to that. We aim to do the stuff that works for us!

ezinma - to me, doing things that I like doing and that give me pleasure are the things that make me happy. I don't think it has to be anything grand - as with so many things we've made 'happy' an end result, something that we have to strive for, when it can be something simple and quiet.

Beauty is very much an inner thing. We can strive for the polished exterior, but if we haven't worked on our inner kindness, compassion, gentleness, acceptance, peace, and so on, all the trips to the salon are a complete waste of time.

I am asking as someone who is totally goal driven, always have been. I have 'achieved' a lot professionally but suffer from stress as does the rest of my family. Am a sahm right now but thinking of the next steps already. Always planning the 'next big thing' (house move, study, have another baby, find the best school etc. etc.)

How does someone live their life who is more 'process-oriented'?

bonsoir
"I know some people who are so caught up in finite goals because they are results-driven that they forget about process entirely. Their lives and those of their families are very uncomfortable and the DC have lots of mental health issues."

I found your post interesting and thought provoking. Not wanting to derail but would you mind elaborating or sharing how to focus more on the "process" and why that is perhaps a more healthy way of living for the whole family? .

I'm nearly with delphinium in thinking that "good enough is fine" - mostly I feel I'm there or thereabouts. I think that's a fabulous place to get to, though OK to have some aspirations for yourself too.
Things that are important to me are ...

To be compassionate
To be wise and kind
To be a good mother, friend, and member of my wider family
To make a contribution towards helping other parents do a good job in raising their families - hopefully my new job working with young children and their families can help me continue to do this
To be content - as ds once put for his 10th commandment in some RS homework to "Have fun!"

• for me that would include seeing a bit more of the world, some humour, some music from around the world, time to appreciate the natural world, and lots of time probably doing nothing much with good friends

Like a few others on this thread I am quite happy as myself.
Having children gave me an enormous inner confidence, I used to be a ball of nerves. Now just being happy and trying my best is enough :)

Anyway, you clearly haven't given much thought to the difference between being results-driven or process-driven

I want to be one that gives more than she takes.

Where did I write that being thin equates to being beautiful?

Sorry bonsoir but being thin does not equate to beautiful. There are very many unattractive thin people out there. Beauty is very much a subjective thing so teying to be objectively beautiful is pointless. And those things that most people might consider beautiful are often out of our control - great hair, great skin, clear eyes - yes many women spend their lives trying to artificially replicaate these things but they often seem to be chasing their tails and are never satisified or happy.

Being slim and healthy is a function of process yet far too many people treat it as a result of a finite goal. Hence their failure to maintain a slim and heathy body.