Justifying long term SAHM to DDs?

I had strong views on female financial independence until my career stalled, I left the industry I was working in and found myself with no income. I became stressed, depressed and then ill. When I emerged from my horrific illness, I had an epiphany - my partner was right all along. 1) there's things more important than money 2) our money is our money 3) we're a team.

Now I am a SAHM - my partner would swap places in a heartbeat because we both believe a SAHP is the ideal for our DC. Plus if he would love it! I am a huge feminist and always have been - but it took me a long time to actually become a TRUE feminist - for my gender to be irrelevant in our decision to be a SAHP.

I also have a PhD and taught at uni so I think that means I've realised my academic potential. I'd love for my boy to grow up to believe in the importance of following his truth and to be a true teammate - in every way, including financially - in the relationships he will have. Not to limit or have expectations of his partner because of his or her gender.

P.s. I do think this thread was started to cause a bunfight, but you know what? If you're happy in your decisions you choose to eat the bun not throw it. Try it... It's delicious...

I'm not bloody going back to work because it has socio political impact.

Because a group of people coming from a position of historical disadvantage need to co-operate to have strength?

Because shouting down and deriding opposing viewpoints is a very male debating style that we shouldn't need or want to ape?

Because infighting is inefficient?

When men discuss politics do we ask them to be nice and respectful of others pov
Why is it women discussing feminism gets hear hear when we are encouraged to be nice
I can perfectly well understand someone else has different pov,I don't need to agree .nor do I need remind myself happy mum = happy kids?cause I don't agree

It is asinine,that we all tippy toe around someone else decision cause it works for them

There is a lot of clear water between ''tippy toeing around" something and slagging it off scottish; They are not the only two options.

Doesn't hurt to remember that not everyone is as blessed as us in the self-belief stakes though, does it?

It is asinine,that we all tippy toe around someone else decision cause it works for them
Something that occurs on an individual level,has sociopolitical significance for others/society
And happy mum doesn't always= happy kids

"ignoring other people helps" - I do agree with this!

It's why I found choosing to be a SAHP easy.

No hear hear from me to asinine why can't everyone just be nice platitudes

Yes, because clearly that's what they were

I think self belief and ignoring other people always helps. I have always been a bit different from other people so never given two hoots what they think or thought I should do what my peers should do. I can see my children with a full time working mother have done very well. I have never ever felt I was doing anything wrong or was guilty or worried about it.

We somehow need to engender within more women more self belief.

No hear hear from me to asinine why can't everyone just be nice platitudes
Yes,Do what you want.but it does have sociopolitical impact that women don't return to workplace
This really isn't about why oh why can't people see.its a discussion about feminism and impact of choices made

Hear hear

Well put novice and I agree with Jane about happy parents.

It's good to pull back and realise that someone else's personal choice isn't a rebuke to others. It's just personal to them.

novice will you please stand for some kind of elected office?

Why do so many people on mumsnet struggle to see that their choice might be the right one for them but isn't the only choice? It would all be terribly dull if we all did the same thing, wouldn't it?

Dmil hasnt worked since she had her dcs. She is a lovely, kind, talented lady. Her dcs (especially the boy are lovely, kind, talented people of whom she is (rightly) exceptionally proud. Her dcs both have high flying careers in the City. She pushed them really hard to be the high achievers that they are. She doesn't have to justify anything to anyone and I love and respect her.

Dm always worked (sometimes part time sometimes full time) after she had her dcs, she had no choice. She is a lovely, kind, talented lady. Her dcs (especially one girl are lovely, kind, talented people of whom she is (rightly) exceptionally proud. Her dcs also have high flying careers in the City. She pushed them really hard to be the high achievers that they are. She doesn't have to justify anything to anyone and I love and respect her.

I dont think either was/is a better mother to their dcs, and nor am I (or they) arrogant enough to think that one loved their dcs more than the other because of the choices they made.

Totally agree Jayne. I also think if you have all dds you might be more likely to want to role model working mothers as even if dad stays at home 99% of time any dses will work whereas its different for girls. Its always documented on mumsnet about how in high powered careers taking a 5year gap is a career destroyer but it slso happens ay entry level. My old boss wouldnt interview anyone with 4/5 year + gap even for the minimum wage entry level positions even ones withdegrees, lots of old past experience from years back as since recession there are so many applicants they cant compete. It is ridiculous nowadays.

I think children benefit most from happy parents. For most men and women that means men and women work. For a few parents that may mean not working

Wisest thing you've ever said Jane

Despite my very strong views on women's financial independence I think children benefit most from happy parents. For most men and women that means men and women work. For a few parents that may mean not working and as long as they do not cost me the tax payer a single penny through that decision, then as a libertarian I would not legislate to force them to work.

hat children never want to hear if - I have laid down my life for you, I would be doing XYZ were it not for you or I slave my fingers to the bone because of you to keep you. Neither is good and that applies to mothers and fathers. These discussions will become less sexist in a few years as more and more men are staying home and 60% of graduates are female. If you earn £100k and your husband £10k it is never very likely you'll be giving up work.

The problem is pomme once the insults start flying about, everyone get's cross, more sensible posters say things they wouldn't usually and the level of the debate deterioates, so i'm not just objecting on the grounds of good manners. I wish we could all agree and maintain a peace treaty.

( Peace and Love, People )

pommedeterre Depends on the household finances. I can see that in certain situations, if you were dealing with investments and additional properties it could be like a job.

This is not a competition between who is the most hard working, WOHP or SAHP. Some people can have additional income without doing much work for it. Some people's employment is not very difficult or involved for them. Such is life.

(I assume you mean the one that implied parent at school gates = loving children, something like that? am multi-tasking and can't scroll back)

fideline - well it has pretty much been stated that not picking your child up from the school gates is wrong on this thread. What's the difference?

None at all pomme. I can't remember the wording of the post you mean but it was equally out of line and the poster was quite rightly taken to task for it.

fideline - well it has pretty much been stated that not picking your child up from the school gates is wrong on this thread. What's the difference?

I understand what posters mean re independence, financial security etc. Dh isnt career minded at all and is taking time out with our children. I am doing everything to not let our children do that and want them to have a decent career. Dh says Im not like that though so kids dont have to be career inclined.My reasoning is dh is lucky that Im fair, share, in it for life etc and so he is able to not worry, whereas I cant choose how my children marry. Dh said yeah I see what you mean We have all gitls and I want them to be the ones in control making money, decent careers etc either them as the higher earner or with both parents working as they will have more options in life imo.

Managing household finances is like a job? Eh? So a wohm managing family finances has two jobs? Everyone, whatever hours they work does household finances!