Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Does anyone know much about the rape process?

143 replies

HeartHotWaterBottle · 26/04/2014 04:02

I can't sleep and am in a state of terror about all this. Basically I had an incident last year where I was chatting to a married man (I am single) and he followed me home and raped/assaulted me.

I didn't report it but tried to pretend it was a one night stand. Eventually I got really angry and asked the police if I would be out of order to warn the place where he was staying. I wasn't expecting them to insist on taking me to the police station and after that do a video interview. There wasn't enough to go on so it wasn't going to go further. However he came back for me this year late at night (I wasn't there, fortunately) and so the case is reopened.

I googled an old rape thread on here and am now absolutely petrified.

I'm starting to want it to not progress it and I have told the police that my main goal is that I don't want him anywhere near my old house (I left after that, it really destroyed my world) but they can actually arrest you for that? And if it goes to trial they will pull you to pieces?

I guess the main features with this are that:

  • I was drunk
  • I wasn't wearing anything provocative
  • No forensics
  • I tried to pretend it was a one night thing at first, it took me a few days to start to try to talk to friends
  • There weren't any witnesses/CCTV because of the time lapse
  • I went through MH problems with bereavement
  • I'm having counselling via a rape centre
  • He doesn't have a record
  • He is married with kids, weirdly enough I trusted him because of that, he was talking about his wife's PND so we ended up talking for ages. I wasn't expecting him to follow me home.

I am so, so scared now and wish I had never agreed to go down the police station

OP posts:
Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 28/04/2014 18:27

BreakingDad apparently not - that was the point at which I went mental at the police.

He followed me home and barged in and pushed me to the floor (first incidence). I reacted really badly, I know, so I was relieved it was dropped.

Second incidence when he turned up at nearly midnight dressed all in black - and unfortunately for him got my mother who went ballistic and chased him off, which does make me laugh in a weird sort of way, because my mother can be scary when she gets angry - they are being crap.

Oh god who knows, but if they try to do me for 'malicious intent' I would go insane.

OP posts:
CaptChaos · 28/04/2014 18:26

I think the point is, that they won't be. Unless their case is bloody watertight. Like, witnesses, CCTV. Because, from what the police officer on the thread has said, unless you have those, then you're fucked.

JustTheRightBullets · 28/04/2014 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptChaos · 28/04/2014 18:12

And this is why I didn't report. I was 15. Got into his lorry. No one was going to believe me. Thanks for confirming that. I have always blamed myself for the fact that he also raped a couple of my friends.

OP Rape Crisis are really good. They don't judge.

BreakingDad77 · 28/04/2014 18:12

After the second attempt to visit can you not pursue any harassment/ restraining order type avenues?

JuliaScurr · 28/04/2014 18:06

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/mar/13/false-allegations-rape-domestic-violence-rare

so, the police, CPS etc don't assume women are lying

good luck op, call Rape Crisis for support and info

you're doing OK Thanks

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 28/04/2014 17:25

Derail, feel free. I didn't react very well when it happened to me so would be slightly relieved if my case didn't go further, but it's on the map, so to speak, but it would be good if more women were aware of what the process is like when this happens.

Has anyone read the other thread? It was horrific. Most people said they wouldn't report unless it was extremely clear cut.

I was trying to think about how this sort of thing could be handled better and the only thing I could think of would be that as it's a particularly delicate crime then anonymity should be granted to the perpetrator unless they are found guilty. It would stop all this misogyny about 'tainting a good man's name' being of the predominant importance and also encourage women to come forward.

The woman who did the video interview did say 'but we have to believe everyone', which I understand.

OP posts:
Arkina · 28/04/2014 16:59

Theyll fully investigate regardless of their opinion. As I said everyone is treated as genuine until it comes to light theyre not.

in that girls case we had evidence almost before she got to the station that she was lying.

Believe me as I said every one gets treated as genuine from the moment the calls received

JustTheRightBullets · 28/04/2014 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arkina · 28/04/2014 16:56

Sadly so many cases cant go to trial due to lack of evidence. Lack of evidence in no way means you're not believed. I've seen some of my colleagues upset and angry on victims behalf believing them 100% and knowing themselves they have the right suspect but being let down by the system

JustTheRightBullets · 28/04/2014 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arkina · 28/04/2014 16:54

Sorry my post wasnt awful clear - I knew what I meamt Smile

Arkina · 28/04/2014 16:53

Just right She made the allegation assuming that there was no way officers would leave a rape victim to go home alone and would take her home in a patrol car

JustTheRightBullets · 28/04/2014 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arkina · 28/04/2014 16:50

Noone is saying reporting an assualt to your partner doesn't mean its not happened. All im saying is over the years Ive seen it happen many times that its been used as a cover up for a one night stand.

the way we work is everyone who alleges sexual assault or rape is treated as 100% genuine til its shown otherwise. Everyone gets the same treatment and facilities & things like scene preservation, checking cctv, forensics are done

JustTheRightBullets · 28/04/2014 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arkina · 28/04/2014 16:45

In one the so called suspect was able to prove hed been nowhere near where his accuser said

The other was disproved by cctv & Mobile phones She had spent all her money and was looking for a free lift home

My colleagues are pretty good at determining who's withdrawn their allegation due to fear etc and who is giving a story with so many holes in it you could drive a bus through it.

JustTheRightBullets · 28/04/2014 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustTheRightBullets · 28/04/2014 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 28/04/2014 14:38

Oh god this is confusing! Actually the rape centre were surprised it wasn't being dealt with by this rape investigation unit as well.

I've lost my nerve a bit and need some reassurance so I'll have to wait for the rape centre to get back to me.

I might pm you, thank you

OP posts:
Arkina · 28/04/2014 14:31

Numerous reasons for made up stories its shocking. We've had ones where people have met someone at a night out had sex then either regretted it or been caught out by a partner when they got home. Only the other week when I got to work I was told there were 2 alleged rape calls being dealt with. My first question was genuine? And was told one definitely not the 2nd unlikely. Its appaling.

Id say then the first thing you should do is contact the station dealing with it and ask to speak to a supervisory/senior officer. Explain your concern and ask that you get passed to the rape investigation unit. Im shocked that hasnt been done. All ours are as a matter ofcourse. To be fair the uniformed cops will be out their depth most likely and aren't being evasive they probably don't know the answers to your questions.

the rape unit are plain clothes specially trained officers who know the process inside out. They should be dealing with you.

Feel free to pm me if theres anything else I can with my limited experience help with. I know how our force deals with rape but clearly other forces are different.

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 28/04/2014 14:19

That's really strange - do you get any inkling about why people make it up? I'm surprised to hear that there are more madeup allegations than true ones.

I'm finding this all really odd because first time round I was told I was really honest, a really nice person, naive; after it had been shut and then reopened the police's attitude has changed, after he came back for me late at night.

Yes it's uniformed police, the DS is supposed to be calling me. The rape centre (who have been really good) are also callling them today then getting back to me.

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Arkina · 28/04/2014 14:02

if theyre not being clear as I already mentioned take it to the next step. Ask for a more senior officer. Honestly thats far more effective than an MP who doesnt actually carry that much clout. If nothing else you could be speaking to a DS this afternoon going through an MP could take weeks

If a more senior officer is no use youd be far better getting one of the rape support organisations to help you. or have you said to the ones you deal with that you're finding them unhelpful and theyre adding to your stress. They may be unaware of how they're coming across.

is it the rape investigation unit youre dealing with?? If it is then definitely ask for a Sgt or Inspector. These officers are meant to be well trained in dealing with victims which is why I was wondering if it was just uniformed officers you were dealing with. Dont worry about the comments made by the officer about slander. its not the most tactful way of putting it but its something they do have to consider especially when presumably the suspect will deny it.

Its a sad fact but police officers probably see more made up rape allegations than true ones. I know that in the past year or so numerous have been reported when ive been working of those only a handful were genuine. So they do have to look at all possibilities despite how distressing it is

Hang in there youve done the hardest part in reporting it.

JustTheRightBullets · 28/04/2014 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 28/04/2014 09:54

Ohhh ok, that's a relief - I was waiting for a bang on the door! I did put some queries in writing 2 weeks ago and have had no response.

I phoned SARC earlier in a panic so they are chasing them up and will get back to me.

I don't know how you got this far bullets, this is harrowing! My mum seems to think it's as simple as you say 'it's that one over there, Officer' and then the policeman marches off and grabs the culprit by the ear and hauls them off.

OP posts: