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Original poster

Does anyone know much about the rape process?

143 replies

HeartHotWaterBottle · 26/04/2014 04:02

I can't sleep and am in a state of terror about all this. Basically I had an incident last year where I was chatting to a married man (I am single) and he followed me home and raped/assaulted me.

I didn't report it but tried to pretend it was a one night stand. Eventually I got really angry and asked the police if I would be out of order to warn the place where he was staying. I wasn't expecting them to insist on taking me to the police station and after that do a video interview. There wasn't enough to go on so it wasn't going to go further. However he came back for me this year late at night (I wasn't there, fortunately) and so the case is reopened.

I googled an old rape thread on here and am now absolutely petrified.

I'm starting to want it to not progress it and I have told the police that my main goal is that I don't want him anywhere near my old house (I left after that, it really destroyed my world) but they can actually arrest you for that? And if it goes to trial they will pull you to pieces?

I guess the main features with this are that:

  • I was drunk
  • I wasn't wearing anything provocative
  • No forensics
  • I tried to pretend it was a one night thing at first, it took me a few days to start to try to talk to friends
  • There weren't any witnesses/CCTV because of the time lapse
  • I went through MH problems with bereavement
  • I'm having counselling via a rape centre
  • He doesn't have a record
  • He is married with kids, weirdly enough I trusted him because of that, he was talking about his wife's PND so we ended up talking for ages. I wasn't expecting him to follow me home.

I am so, so scared now and wish I had never agreed to go down the police station

OP posts:
Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 03/05/2014 14:15

p.s. I called him 'dense' to the police. I couldn't help it! I stand by my statement.

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Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 03/05/2014 14:02

Capt thank you - this has been a huge eye-opener. Arkina was saying about the huge amount of cases where women were lying to cover their tracks (e.g. not to let on to their boyfriend) which is a huge shame, it makes everything else so difficult. I found her really kind.

I found the police brilliant the first time round and then almost impatient with me when he went back for me recently, I don't understand that. I have made sure to speak to my female friends about this because I'll be damned if anything like this will happen to them. I'm not getting called 'malicious' though, I will go batshit crazy if they ever try that.

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Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 03/05/2014 13:36

Wowser no I wouldn't be offended Smile. Sorry about the press - it's one of my life's missions never to end up in the Daily Mail under any format, I didn't realise they were so terrible until as a teenager a friend took speed for the first time and died (she had an underlying condition) and she was really lovely, but the newspapers screeched about 'druggie' etc, as I knew her family I felt so sorry for them.

It's been so helpful chatting here to people, I'm really grateful. It makes you realise you're not alone in all of this. Waiting for call back from police. I'm kind of hoping this gets dropped: it will be on his records for life now, I have put it on the map so whatever the bastard does he can't wriggle out of it.

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WowserBowser · 03/05/2014 10:27

It's ok. I actually had an amazing woman from RASAC who came to my house every week for over a year.

The way she put it to me (and i hope this makes sense and doesn't appear offensive) is that prostitutes get raped. Even though they have previously had sex with strangers for money, it doesn't make it ok when they are raped.

Women can wear/do/speak to anyone they want but if you don't want to have sex with that person, it's not ok.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 10:12

Oh wowser Sad

WowserBowser · 03/05/2014 09:54

Heart i was chatting to him beforehand. The way i wrote my post makes it seem like my case was really straightforward. It wasn't. I was made out to be an absolute drunken 'slut'.

I can pm you his name if you want to have a look at the case. The local papers made me out to be the bad one. They even listed the drinks i had that night and how i had kissed some male friends.

CaptChaos · 03/05/2014 08:56

heart you have not been stupid in any way. No one expects someone they have been having a sensible conversation with to rape them! The case is clear cut, he raped you, you did not consent to what he did, so far, so clear cut.

The difficulty comes when you have to deal with the type of police that Arkina describes. Ones who, on the surface, investigate each crime, but who are actually looking for lies, because they believe that most women lie about being raped. They believe this despite the huge amounts of evidence to the contrary. In reality, the vast majority of women who have been raped don't report anything, ever, because the shame, guilt and anger overwhelm us, and we know from experience that we won't be believed. That police officers are often of the Arkina mould. Even if we can get the police to believe us, the CPS then has to decide whether or not there is a reasonable chance of conviction and whether that would be in the public interest. Even once the CPS agree that the case is watertight and it goes to court, you then have to present your case to 12 people who have also been fed the same bloody rape myths their whole lives. It is a miracle that there are any convictions at all, but, even when there is a conviction, you get people coming on to fora like MN and starting posts with phrases like "If he really did it....." which has happened with the Max Clifford case.

You were raped. I believe you. You are far braver than I because you went and reported it.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 08:30

The police have been awful in some of the things they said. You were not "totally stupid", he was a rapist who knew what he was doing.

If a charity worker who had been working in the community for a while walked a sick man who knew him home from a church event, chatted to him and made him tea then burgled his house and assaulted him, would the police would say "you didn't think he was safe because he worked for a charity, did you?" And "you do know he doesn't come with thief and thug stamped on his head, don't you?"

Or would they treat a victim of those crimes with more respect than to make flippant, patronising statements?

Flowers
Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 03/05/2014 03:16

Wowser very glad he got it, so to speak. So sorry that happened to you. Until it happens you don't understand the loss of dignity and the anger that someone can use you in that way.

My case is entirely different and not very clear cut. Because I had spoken to him for a few hours and did not see anything dodgy that made it very difficult for me to detach, when he switched modes. I didn't see him as being dangerous at the time. The police seem to see me as some alcoholic chain smoking bambi 'oh my love you didn't think he was safe because he was married, did you?' Well...yes! Course I did. Police: 'you do know he doesn't come with rapist stamped on his forehead?'

I've really appreciated the help on here (Bullets, Arkina) and everyone has been brilliant. I don't mind if anyone questions my chain of events, this is just an internet board. I am aware that I was totally stupid that night (although he is a grubby little shit). I'm not prepared to get accused of being 'malicious' though, I have been anything but.

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WowserBowser · 03/05/2014 01:41

Yeah defo. I should at least be told when he gets out. He was awful when he was 19 but to a man. Women don't get the same understanding

TequilaMockingbirdy · 03/05/2014 01:34

wowser Really glad the fecker got what he deserved, although longer would have been better.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 03/05/2014 01:33

I don;t have anything useful to say but didn't want to read and run. So sorry you're going through this Flowers

WowserBowser · 03/05/2014 01:31

It is the hardest thing ever.

WowserBowser · 03/05/2014 01:28

I didn't want to kill the thread.

JustTheRightBullets · 02/05/2014 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WowserBowser · 02/05/2014 17:53

Thank you Snatch

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/05/2014 17:51

Wowser, glad he was brought to book Flowers

WowserBowser · 02/05/2014 17:50

I wrote a long post and it didn't work.

Firstly, so sorry Heart for what you've been through. And just Thanks

I was raped by a stranger down an alley 5 years ago. I was drunk, wearing a short skirt blah blah.

It went to trial and he got 10 years which means he probably will be out next month.

I am in the NW and have to say the police were amazing. Apart from the original male officer, who was quite pushy when i was in hospital. But he wasn't allowed to see me again.

The judge was brilliant. Completely not what i thought. The woman defending him was a complete utter cunt. The court aid type people were great.

Anyway, my post i lost was a lot better written but my main point is, yes i have been through it and am free to answer any questions or pms. I am an open book.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/05/2014 17:47

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that it was straightforward for you. I know it's anything but.

Sad and Angry for you.

WowserBowser · 02/05/2014 17:44

Testing

JustTheRightBullets · 02/05/2014 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustTheRightBullets · 02/05/2014 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 02/05/2014 16:57

Doctrine I wish it were that straight forward thinking-wise - unfortunately it's not, I still can't process it.

I told him I was grieving and I was actually quite concerned when he spoke about problems with his wife having depression and I was with him for ages chatting about it. One of my friends had PND and I'm quite sensitive to that because I think of her (I love her to bits) and was actually quite concerned about his wife. Sounds daft now.

But thank you for your kind words.

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TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/05/2014 16:44

Oh OP Sad

You didn't consent to the sex, so it was rape. It is that black and white.

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 02/05/2014 16:41

Thing is, I'm not saying it was rape. I tend to think of rape as being more black and white when it comes to myself, however if something like this happened to one of my female friends I would go batshit crazy.

I don't think there's any way to tolerate grubby little men's forcefulness where it might damage your reproductive organs and leave you emotionally damaged but at the same time rape is such a huge accusation.

I was surprised when Arkina said that there are a lot of false accusations.

No news here from me really, this will take a long time, police want to meet with me to discuss it. I would go utterly crazy if they try to accuse me of maliciousness though. They said they were trying to 'protect' me so I think they think the case would go badly if it went to court.

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