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Original poster

Does anyone know much about the rape process?

143 replies

HeartHotWaterBottle · 26/04/2014 04:02

I can't sleep and am in a state of terror about all this. Basically I had an incident last year where I was chatting to a married man (I am single) and he followed me home and raped/assaulted me.

I didn't report it but tried to pretend it was a one night stand. Eventually I got really angry and asked the police if I would be out of order to warn the place where he was staying. I wasn't expecting them to insist on taking me to the police station and after that do a video interview. There wasn't enough to go on so it wasn't going to go further. However he came back for me this year late at night (I wasn't there, fortunately) and so the case is reopened.

I googled an old rape thread on here and am now absolutely petrified.

I'm starting to want it to not progress it and I have told the police that my main goal is that I don't want him anywhere near my old house (I left after that, it really destroyed my world) but they can actually arrest you for that? And if it goes to trial they will pull you to pieces?

I guess the main features with this are that:

  • I was drunk
  • I wasn't wearing anything provocative
  • No forensics
  • I tried to pretend it was a one night thing at first, it took me a few days to start to try to talk to friends
  • There weren't any witnesses/CCTV because of the time lapse
  • I went through MH problems with bereavement
  • I'm having counselling via a rape centre
  • He doesn't have a record
  • He is married with kids, weirdly enough I trusted him because of that, he was talking about his wife's PND so we ended up talking for ages. I wasn't expecting him to follow me home.

I am so, so scared now and wish I had never agreed to go down the police station

OP posts:
WowserBowser · 04/05/2014 16:18

Oh - and i was on the stand for 8 hours, just to clarify. The trial was about a week..

WowserBowser · 04/05/2014 16:17

Mine was the same. But after me, and the women who i was out with that night and the police woman who looked after me, had been on the stand - he changed his plea to guilty. Nob.

Have you thought about whether you will do a video link or be in the actual court?

I am so so sorry you are going through this.

JustTheRightBullets · 04/05/2014 16:15

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JustTheRightBullets · 04/05/2014 16:12

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WowserBowser · 04/05/2014 16:10

But they did say that was quite long. They expected it to be shorter.

WowserBowser · 04/05/2014 16:08

It was over 2 days. About 8 hours in total.

JustTheRightBullets · 04/05/2014 16:07

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WowserBowser · 04/05/2014 16:03

Just Thanks

It's a long wait isn't it?

WowserBowser · 04/05/2014 16:01

Yes Posy

I wasn't allowed to be asked certain questions.

His barrister asked if i liked to have sex outdoors and the judge adjourned the court for the day. The following day she wasn't allowed to ask.

JustTheRightBullets · 04/05/2014 15:59

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JustTheRightBullets · 04/05/2014 15:54

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Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 04/05/2014 12:27

I really don't know about any of this - I'm still really uncertain. I have the NHS for 4 more months so that will help. I found my counsellor very good.

It's on the map though, isn't it? He is there. He can't take that away.

OP posts:
PosyFossilsShoes · 04/05/2014 12:21

As I said everyone is treated as genuine until it comes to light theyre not.

Jesus wept. I hope you meant "unless."

OP, things have moved on at the trial end at least with new guidelines on cross examination. At least in theory barristers are not allowed to go on the attack - and as social attitudes move (glacially slowly) forwards, they tend to lose the jury's sympathy if they do.

There is support out there for the trial process, the trouble is that victims have to go out and find it rather than it being offered as routine.

Flowers
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 04/05/2014 12:11

If they have decided not to progress, it should be because they are not confident of getting a conviction rather than anything to do with them thinking something was OK.

I hope you get the answers that you need Flowers

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 04/05/2014 12:00

oops I meant Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 04/05/2014 11:59

Kind of, thank you doctrine lflowers]

I still need to know why they thought it was ok that he went back last month. I'm glad it's all over though.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 04/05/2014 11:51

Hope you are OK Flowers

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 04/05/2014 11:49

|t's all over now, apparently it won't be progressed. I am slightly relieved. I won't get prosecuted.

I still have some queries with the police but that's the extent of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 04/05/2014 00:37

When thank you sweetheart - I've found everyone on here absolutely brilliant. I'm really glad now that I posted.

I can't escape the system now, I'm already in it. I will update if anything happens. I think the police actually found me a bit weird because the first person I told was someone famous and the second was also a well known lawyer. They are my old friends though so of course I would turn to them first. Doesn't stop police thinking I am weird though!

Arkina said a lot of women report rape erroneously - actually it would be quite interesting to hear more about that.

I am with a SARC and again they have been brilliant so let's see what happens - if I get arrested I will be back here screaming. Peace and good night x

OP posts:
RubyReins · 04/05/2014 00:37

Hello OP - the first thing I am going to say is that I believe you. You have been brave in making this matter known to the police and I know how hard that must have been. It's great that you have support too. Rape Crisis are incredible.

Do not concern yourself with potential prosecutions against you for "making it up". This is Daily Mail misogyny. Almost nothing makes me as angry as the calls that "she made it all up!". It seldom happens. There are so many rape myths in our society. You did nothing wrong, he did.

I prosecute rape cases (in Scotland, so the system is a bit different from England and Wales) but please feel free to PM me if you want to.

Stay strong.

WhentheRed · 03/05/2014 23:59

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Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 03/05/2014 21:03

I guess at least mine was 'reported' - though if I'm arrested through it I would keel down in shock. It will be on his record for life. It's on the map. I want this over and done with now.

Arkina has been very kind, she is just reporting what she has seen.

OP posts:
CaptChaos · 03/05/2014 20:50

The stats suggest that out of 1000 women raped, 900 of them won't report it, 100 do, 20 get their day in court and half that many get their rapist convicted. Less than 2 are found to be lying. Less than 2 out of 1000. So, unless Arkina works in the police station where both of those women go to report, then I have to think that she is either being economical with the truth and is therefore unreliable, or she and her colleagues believe rape myths and women who have been written off as liars by her team haven't been, which is really worrying.

I cannot reiterate enough that the trope that most women who report rapes are lying so they don't have to own up to a bit of consensual extramural sex is a RAPE MYTH

Original poster
HeartHotWaterBottle · 03/05/2014 19:46

When I absolutely agree with you that it is dangerous and harmful - but like Arkina said, and she is a policewoman, there are some cases which distort the others.

I didn't actually know that rape could be like this and the process could be so bad (still waiting to hear from the police) but discussing this might make more women aware. I still think he's a grubby little horrible fucking prick, following me home when I was grieving and pushing me onto the floor. What an idiot.

OP posts:
WhentheRed · 03/05/2014 19:36

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