What we teach our children

I have 2 daughters aged 18 and 14 and they seem to have latched onto feminism already. Eldest is looking to studying a degree in physics. She experiences sexism from teenage male students. Surprised that such young males have views from decades gone by. Rather hoped that attitudes to women would have moved on ??.

Also some (not all) take a lot of pride in being the only one competent in the home. They chat to their friends and laugh at how useful their men are and they often want to moan but they don't want a solution which passes power to the man at home to decide how the surfaces of the kitchen are cleaned or to what standard. Just as some men like to joke to their friends about how their women spend all their money and earn none. I don't like any of that but it's very common. I have never had any problem with being much less competent than men or anyone helping with that in our home at housework or child care and the less I get to do of it the better. If my other half is skilled in dishwasher stacking - that's brilliant. If he put on a nappy different from how did it might well have been a better way - let him get on with it. If it's done worse than I would so what - better he does it and worse than I have do the dull stuff.

To add - often a lot of useful advice is given on those threads, such as put him in charge of a whole task rather than trying to share it (e.g. dc's dental appointments are his responsibility).

I totally agree Keepithidden. Women whose dhs don't pull their weight have to believe it's something like "they don't see dirt" or "it's his mother's fault".

Otherwise they'd be crushed if they thought "he's being unkind to me" or "I've made a mistake and married a selfish bastard".

This is often missing from those threads - we need to tread carefully around women who are, totally understandably, protecting their self-esteem. Shouting "I wouldn't put up with that" is too harsh.

Personally I think its just boils down to being lazy if men say they can't cook/clean etc

Its not hard to follow a recipe or just learning through trial and error. Also a lot of people live away from home before moving in with partners so I'm sure they will manage to cook and clean then.

Same here. For generations there has been on sexism in this family on either side and women and men can do just about everything the other does save breastfeeding. I am pretty handing with the DIY tools and deal with all the cars. My view has always been that if you can read you can cook. All the boys cook.

Or is it just that it's easier to think it's can't not won't?

Not necessarily easier, but a kind of cognitive dissonance (is that the right phrase?).

Imagine if all the women with crap husbands (LTPs) suddenly realised that their partners did view them as less than equal, almost on a par with 'white-goods' style applicances. How gutted and soul destroying would it be to realise that your partnership isn't anywhere near equal? It's safer to protect your own self esteem by buying into the myth that "men can't", rather than "men won't".

Though I suppose a lot of men do sincerely feel they are in an equal partnership despite treating they're wives as junior partners. Sometimes it just takes a bit of awareness raising to realise the male-privelidge and alter behaviour accordingly.

Kisses - I didn't know that about knackering tyres. Useful to know.

Mumsnet is full of women who seem to think that the possession of a penis makes it incredibly difficult for men to cook, wash up, put dirty washing in a basket (never mind the washing machine) and who are looking for ways to "teach" or "encourage" men to do these things. It baffles me. I could understand if they say their partners won't- but can't?

Or is it just that it's easier to think it's can't not won't?

I'm old enough to remember that changing a tyre was both hard work and fiddly. It's much easier nowadays with newer jacks, so the physical reasons for who might do it have changed because of tool technology.

Physical size (whether what is needed is large or small) is a relevant factor for some tasks, as it aptitude and absence of phobia (you wouldn't expect the person with vertigo to clear the gutters, for example).

The important thing to teach DC is that most peope can do most tasks. When working out how to decide within a family, then the best decisions are make when everyine considers all relevant factors. Watching healthy communication, decision making and conflict-resolution, and identifying when quirks can be accommodated and when they really shouldn't, are all much more important than the detail of who can reach the box without the ladder to reset the fuse quickly.

Yep Martorana. My mum couldn't cook when she got married. She could read though. She got a cookbook.

My favourite is "Oh, my husband can't cook- I blame his mother". Infantilising men and woman-blaming summed up in 8 words!

Why do you think that it is up to the women not to let the men "get away" without cooking and cleaning? Do you think those tasks are really women's jobs that they are just delegating to men?

Women's liberation isn't going to come when women learn to change tyres. However, men taking on the responsibility of household chores/childcare because they recognise they should be contributing to the household in this way, without reference to their female partners, will go someway towards liberating women.

I have a husband and two adult children; one girl, one boy.
We've never had male/female tasks in our house, but I don't really understand your point.
Have you got a handy list of skills you are thinking should be learnt by all?
Are you saying that we are teaching boys to manage tasks that were thought of as a female area, but that we are not skilling girls in the same way, to take on traditionally male tasks like putting up shelves and doing car stuff?
Or is that just your observations amongst your friends?

You can replace the sealant kits with actual spare tyres in most cars for a slight upgrade price. And probably should: using a sealant kit usually knackers the tyre.

Didn't know you couldn't use the 'pound sign' on MN. The above should be a "five pound kettle".

I agree, although the relentless march of technology and health and safety means that cars are tending to rely more on inflate-and-seal kits (an aerosol can full of air and liquid latex to plug punctures), avoiding even space-saver style tyres. So I guess changing a tyre will seem a bit anachronistic one day.

RE: Plugs, at least on many new appliances, aren't user servicable, they tend to be fully sealed: the fuse can be changed but that's about it.

Knowing how to wire a plug is becoming a dying art, only really useful for those* not willing to bin a 5 kettle that may as well be disposable!

• I include myself here.