Partner's wishes v. your independance, your views wanted...

Of course my DP's feelings matter. I can't imagine him being worried about me going out for a night dancing with friends though

Get out of your marriage, OP. You have a man who doesn't consider women fully human, and he will get worse, not better. Read the rest of the thread..

noddingoff I agree with your point, but I think there's a risk it may be misinterpreted as 'if you respond right then they don't get any worse', which is a subtle form of victim blaming. I am sure that's not what you meant at all but it could be interpreted that way.

it's an interesting one, because we do get into interpersonal habits of 'push me, pull you' etc and fall into less-than-ideal interaction patterns with our partners. But even if I did play along and pander to the jealous twattery, the man in my life absolutely has the power to a)realise he is being awful and b)stop. Thankfully DH is not like this at all but you get my drift.

op, my best advice to you is to accept your partner's opinion as just that (because he is allowed an opinion, after all) but not let it cast a shadow on your plans to go out and have a good time.

A few days too late to add to this meaningfully but if you're still reading, crikeybill - my ex was like that for one year of courting + 23 years of marriage. He had a thing about me and Greek waiters too! I was very naive, I thought he'd get better once we got married - maybe after a decade or so - maybe when I got middle-aged and fat... he never got better, worse if anything, until I simply could not live like it any longer. To be fair, there were a few other issues, but the jealousy was the thing that split us up. The divorce came through just half a year before our 25th anniversary. It can be done.

My fiance once murmured a tiny bit of disquiet about me going to a party when he was elsewhere for the weekend. I pointed out that he goes out without me lots ( I work quite a few weekends); and that yes there would be ALCOHOL and there would be BOYS and though I was not going to be doing kissing I was definitely going to be doing dancing, drinking, and Having A Great Time, since I am a grown adult. He wished me a nice time.
Any time he does the face of mild concern when I'm putting on makeup ( I don't usually wear much), I smile heartily and apply another layer of mascara. This is as close as he gets to jealousy/possessiveness and that's as far as it goes, cos I don't pander to it at all.
Give him a big hug and a kiss on your way out and when you come back in but don't compromise your night out an inch- wear the dress, shoes and makeup you were going to anyway and stay out as long as you were going to anyway.

Crikey you would not think I sounded strong if you saw my posts from four or five years ago. I owe at least half of my current strength to mumsnet, the wonderful women who post here and the amazing advice and insight provided too. The rest comes from just doing it and living it and doesn't come quickly... but it comes and it's a great feeling.

You may want to read up on emotional abuse online - or purchase the book "why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.

then see if your partner fits the descriptions in that...

How do you leave a controlling man after 23 years.

I'd much rather feel I had wasted 23 years than 40... or when it really is too late :(

Planning a night out at weekend, drinking and dancing, with girl friends.

Put it this way. What would be an acceptable "safe" evening out for you then? Male attention can come from anywhere, people meet men pretty much in every space as they make up 50% of the population. TBH he really sounds very controlling, he hasn't told you no but he made you doubt whether you should do something totally normal like hang out with friends. Let me guess he doesn't go ut much himself right?

Why shouldn't he trust you around men?

I have a thread in relationships Im sorry.

I know I need to do this.
Thank you. I just love to read here as you all seem so strong and that's what I want for my dds.

Thanks.

Reframe your question why don't you leave a controlling man after
23years
If you're unhappy,you need to consider leaving him.he'll not change
Do you feel compelled to stay because he's unwell

Women's aid. Please call them. You aren't a fraud, he's extremely abusive. You don't need to be assaulted to be abused. Emotional abuse is more insidious and gets right inside your psyche.

You would absolutely NOT be fraudulent calling Women's Aid.

How do you leave a controlling man after 23 years.

That's what they could help you with :)

Or if you can't bear to do that, you could try posting a thread in Relationships about this.

I'd feel fraudulent calling WA.
He's ill. He has m.e how could he possibly stop me doing anything? But he does.

The last time I went out was before we had kids. It was a Greek meal with girls from work. There was plate smashing and Greek dancing in a circle. I was dragged up. Arms were linked, us and the waiters. Silly fun.
Friends took pics. I had them developed. Put them in a drawer.
Came home from work and the pics were spread all over the kitchen side with big red permanent marker pen circles drawn round me and the waiter.
He didnt speak to me for days. Now if I mention going out he sarcastically will often bring up the " sweaty dirty cunt I danced with" or says I had strippers at the meal. I've told him repeatedly its not true.

How do you leave a controlling man after 23 years.

Sorry for hijack.

It's a property thing - men who are worried about their wives/girlfriends receiving attention from other men (hell, not even acting on it, just receiving it!) see "their" women as property and any other man expressing interest in that property is disrespecting them greatly. Hence any perceived encouragement from said woman is also massive disrespect to them.

It's all bullshit. It's not a relationship. How can it be when they don't see you as an actual person?

Did anybody see this ad which ran over Christmas? I thought it was very good. thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/videos/view/19/abuse-in-relationships-isn%E2%80%99t-always-physical

(Trigger warning for EA, if that wasn't evident. Ladies who are worried their partner might be like this may want to view when he isn't around.)

My ex was the same. It was fucking awful. I thought it was just his insecurity - but whatever I did to "prove" myself, however long I stayed faithful his trust never seemed to build up, if anything he got more paranoid. I couldn't live with it in the end. DH is so different, when I go out he tells me I look nice, and tells me to have a good time. When I get back he will sometimes laugh (in a friendly/genuinely amused, not nasty way) if I'm a bit drunk or he'll just ask if I had a good time and be genuinely interested. He never enquires about how many men there were there or who I spoke to or who I danced with. He doesn't text me during the evening unless I text him first or there's something important that he needs to ask me. He doesn't tell me what time to be back (unless he had to go somewhere). Yes he'd probably worry if I stayed out all night but his immediate concern would be that something had happened to me, rather than that I had got off with somebody. I have male friends, I have private conversations with them that he doesn't blink at (nothing scandalous, just private like a conversation with any friend is fairly private) which took me ages to get used to, BTW.

XP, last I heard, is still the same - a mutual friend told me she witnessed him laying into his (rather new) girlfriend because a barman looked at her. They don't change, unfortunately.

I'm not sure how to word this. Dh's feelings do matter. However, the only feelings he tends to have about me having a night out are that he hopes I have a good time. Being that he loves me.

I'm extremely uncomfortable with the phrase 'invite male attention'.

In equal uncomplicated relationships there is mutual respect and negotiation
Eg please let me know what time you'll be home ok
Can you come in quietly I've got work in morning sure thing

You going out snt something he needs to have an opinion on, so his wishes are irrelevant IMO. If you were a problem drinker who behaved in inappropriate ways when out then possibly, but just the fact of going out where there will be men - no.

Why doesn't he trust you?

Tell him even if you were to get an offer it doesn't mean you can't help but take your knickers off .

I most certainly don't pontificate dp feeling about my social activities.or seek permission
You should be able to go out dressed as you wish without him commenting
And if you do get attention,as an adult you'll be able to deal with it

So do you curtail his social time out?do you fret about female attention

Jesus, crikey :(

Have you thought about calling Women's Aid?

The problem as well, is that truly controlling people don't ever outright forbid their partners from doing things, they just make them feel so uncomfortable or guilty about doing it that it doesn't seem worth it any more. Therefore, they've managed to instil that control without appearing to have done anything wrong. But it IS wrong

Omg this is my husband.
I don't go anywhere. Ever. We've been together 23 years and I think I want to leave but I'm so controlled I'm scared to even make that decision. He never ever tells me I can't do things, even tells me to go out, do what makes you happy, do what you like etc but I can't. The sulking, the atmosphere, the suspicion isn't worth it. I haven't been out for 13 years on my own.

This has reminded me of a horrible relationship I had; I've actually turned red because I'm so angry on behalf of my younger self! He had me convinced it was my fault that he had to be so jealous and possessive

I think you know you shouldn't have to justify/explain/reassure etc.

That's not healthy.

Has this sort of thing come up before? How long have you been together?

It usually starts with small comments and gets worse IME

Thanks for your replies. I agree with the view, being expressed by you guys, that he should trust me as I trust him. TBH when I go out, even it I'm dressed with some flesh on show, I get no/little male attention. I'm too busy dancing and laughing with my mates to notice anyone else and I'm definitely not a natural flirt. If I was in a disco where it was a bit of a meat-market I'd probably leave as it's not my thing.

You're already feeling the need to justify yourself...