Massive feminist rant at my DP - Prego Hormones or warranted ?

Are you OK, OP?

"He has a right to express his feelings and opinions, even if they are opposed to your feelings and opinions." And where has anyone said he isn't?

It is funny how a woman disagreeing with a man's perspective is translated to "you expect him to keep that opinion to himself ". Err no.

Having respect for women is fairly fundamental to haivng a relationship with a woman. It is perfectly understandable that eepie wanted to discuss that and why he feels it is OK to have those views.

He can do what he likes. She doesn't have to agree with what he does and reserves the right to call him out on his sexism. She also doesn't have to put up with it from a man she is in a relationship with.

eepie - saying 'like' to that photo is probably something a teenage lad would do. He was silly and thoughtless and he won't do it again. He needs to mature a bit, but he isn't basically a bad bloke.

He sounds like he has quite a 'traditional working class' view of women deep down. He likes women who are like his Mum basically. Who from the sound of things was quite stoic, independent and self reliant herself. She probably doesn't like people fussing about illness, thinks that men and women have different roles but should both go out to work, that men are physically stronger than women and therefore women should not try to be like men. My mother is/was the same. I don't like fake tan, boob jobs and such like neither.

That said, I think you need to move on as he undoubtedly knows he has done the wrong thing. You were angry with him, he was defensive and probably embarrassed. Nothing more will come of dragging it out. He sounds like he will step up to the plate when your baby is born which is the main thing.

So is he allowed, to express an opinion publicly, that you disapprove of, or do you expect him to keep that opinion to himself for fear of offending you? Bearing in mind that he was not expressing that opinion to you or about you, you just happened notice something that someone else posted, that he liked.

I think you are well within your rights to express that you find certain opinions or pictures offensive, but I don't think you can expect him to agree with everything you think, or never express publicly, something that he thinks, but knows you won't like.

He has a right to express his feelings and opinions, even if they are opposed to your feelings and opinions.

eepie, sorry to hear you haven't been having an easy pregnancy.

I think I recognise some traits that your dp has. I have had two long relationships with two different men who I thought at first were pro-feminist, because they didn't expect me to behave weakly or in blatantly stereotypical girlie ways. However they had very fixed ideas of their own about what women were for, which was not necessarily to giggle and wear make-up, but to be tough, self-sufficient, not cry, put their needs last, do lots of work in and outside the home, and never ever be vulnerable, and always be the rock. They were both brought up by single mothers who had no choice but to be very, very strong and had internalised an image of women that was very sexist in its own way: women have infinite resources, to look after the men in their lives, but do not waste them on painting their nails or shopping for shoes.

I mistook all this for a long time because I was pitifully grateful that someone would put up with me - because I was logical and argumentative I thought I was too difficult for most men. Actually looking back I always know instinctively not to apply logic or argument to them and was very careful to suppress my own emotional - even physical - needs at all times.

I think you will need a lot more support from this man if you are having a child, a lot more than he is prepared to give. It sounds as if he will expect you to do everything child-related and everything else as well. Has he said "you are pregnant, not ill" yet? How is he when you cry?

I am sad for you. He sounds the type who will only listen to someone else- is there anyone else who can get him to understand what he needs to be to you?

"he doesn't deal well with me being weak/ill/vulnerable" Another red flag, I am afraid.

I am with Doctrine too? Why does it matter if women aren't as fast or as strong as men in sport? He doesn't compete against them! Unless of course he feels that is an indicator that women are weaker and slower in all areas of life? And for that I point you back to the bit I quoted.

As you say eerie, our opinions are shaped by our upbringing. You would hope, though, that an intelligent adult would eventually come to see his mum's attitudes for what they were. What is he like with men who are ill - equally unsympathetic? If so, it's a sign of a lack of empathy rather than deliberate sexism.

Well, the bell curves overlap but yes, an elite man will beat an elite woman in many sports, as will an average man beat an average woman. There are a few - extreme distance running, I think - where that isn't the case.

But so what?

"He has lots of opinions about women" Oh dear. And what you say further is making him sound very controlling. He isn't sounding very nice at all. Does he have opinions on how much wieght women should put on (or not) during pregnancy? Or how you should give birth and whether you should breastfeed? And what are his feelings on housework when you are on maternity leave (and beyond)? Because these things will give further indicators as to his feelings towards women and are going to crop up in the next few months. Seeing how he feels about these things now may save some heartache and battles in the future. If you can see up front what his feelings and expectations are, then you can make a decision about what you want to do.

The problem is that this is his attitude towards women. Attitudes are extremely difficult to change and he would have to want to change them, which, from what you have written sounds unlikely.

"He has lots of opinions about women - and has no problem voicing how he thinks women should act, how much make-up or fake tan they should wear (none- tacky) whether they should be working Mums (yes definitely) how they should handle pain or having a cold ("man-up"), how good they are at all sports compared to men of course (slower and weaker always)"

So you KNOW he's a sexist prick.

Why are you helping this wanker replicate his defective genes?

Having re-read your second post, what do you actually see in this guy? Genuine question - what are his positive attributes?

He thinks women in pain should man-up?

Does he also use the phrase ".... Like a girl" sometimes?

What does he say about "working dads"?

Will he be taking a share of the leave after your child is born, and what are your plans for splitting work and childcare?

Leave the bast..... sorry, wrong board.

warranted

Just saw your post and wanted to respond. From what I read, I find your second post with him dismissing your opinions etc really difficult. You want advice, I think you should repost in relationships, , there are great people there who will do that.

Honestly the people in relationships are fab

Not to get rid, but really they are great.

Does he have to share your opinions or is he allowed to have his own?
If he is allowed his own opinions, is he allowed to share them publicly, if they differ from yours?