Massive feminist rant at my DP - Prego Hormones or warranted ?

thedoctrine - thanks..yes I suppose I have, a lot of upheaval. But so excited about the baby...and the baby's due date is the day that my friend died. Strange.
Ok I'll have a talk to my Dad about the legal/financial stuff as he's so good at that kind of thing and can give me advice or point me in the right direction. And maybe worth bringing up as a preliminary conversation with my DP, whilst gently reminding him of how important it is to me to be married in the near future. I think I'd not like to get married before baby is born...the romance and occasion of it all is v important to me, I suppose. I wouldn't want to rush it either I don't think. Plus I'd like to be a bit settled before ... so much upheaval as I said in the last half a year..and more to come with baby coming into our lives...I'd really like it to be something we're doing because we love each other and it's the right time, as well as wanting to make things secure for our little family and for us all to have the same last name IYSWIM. I would like it to be in the near future though yes.

Doctrine and Laura we have talked about marriage - he asked me in the summer if we could start trying for a baby and I said to him that I'd like to get engaged first... if not married straight away (we can't afford a wedding right now and would want to do it properly, not a big white wedding but at least the basics and be able to have all our friends and family there as a celebration and food, drink, dress, special venue etc.) He basically said yes he wants to marry me without actually having proposed officially. I made it clear I would like him to propose officially and properly as the romance of it is very important to me ! He agreed and said of course he will do it in a special way .....I've not mentioned it again since then (That was in June) as I want to leave it in his hands and be surprised - but then since then we've had a lot going on with me moving in with him, then one of my best friends dying in a car crash a few weeks after I moved in, then a few months after that, me falling pregnant ! We were trying as we thought it'd take ages to conceive and having kids together was something we both really wanted sooner rather than later....But it happened sooner than we thought !
He's also said that having a baby to him is more than being married in terms of commitment and how long it means we'll be together..... And I've mentioned a few times that I want to have the same last name as my child, eventually (and the baby will take his last name as mine is crap and I'm not attached to it !!)

also Doctrine - why do you think I need to be on the deeds/mortgage ? I've never thought of that... But interested to know why I should start thinking about it. Also if he died I can't see my MIL chucking me and her grandchild out of the house ! But yes if we broke up...I'd be homeless with the child. I don't in any way think he'd leave us high and dry though. And I can't see us breaking up, having been through so much together and we are just getting stronger and stronger...even though we've been fighting a bit. We've had so many changes this year and things that are not easy to deal with.

Also Laura that's a nice idea but there's no way I'd be able to buy my own flat in London any time soon, full-time work or not, I'm 25 years old, have virtually no savings and have not exactly been in high-powered, well paid jobs so far. I've been working as a nanny as I mentioned and have been supporting myself since I was 17, most of that time living in London and at Uni or on a low-wage so unable to save. And there's no way my DP would have been able to buy his house without his Mum's help either which is I think why the pre-nup thing was mentioned....without this house he would have nothing as well so not surprised he doesn't like the idea of losing it or having to sell it and give me half the money if I decided to leave him.

HowlingTrap I'm sorry but I agree with The Doctrine ..... it's acceptable for him as his 'adult choice' to 'laugh at' or 'like' a sexist picture but it wouldn't be if it was a racist picture...? I don't know many people who would defend a man's right to objectify women and be sexist. He obviously didn't think I would see it and he didn't put much thought into it but I reserve the right to challenge the man I'm in a relationship with if his behaviour or views are sexist and offend me. If he went to a prostitute would you also encourage me to respect his choices as an adult ? After all we're not married and it wouldn't be adultery. But that doesn't mean it's ok to support the sex industry and exploitation of women.

TheDoctrine we haven't really talked about that yet although he's mentioned things along the lines of 'what's mine is yours...all our money is the same now anyway' he wouldn't expect me to help him pay off debts that he's still paying off now from before we together....but when I was working full-time before I got pregnant I gave him £300/month as 'rent' and we went halves (sort of) on food - sometimes I paid, sometimes he paid. He paid the house bills. I paid my own mobile phone bill and everything that I needed - clothes, toiletries, going out with my friends. We'd often split dinner out and he'd often pay for dinner out himself and not want me to give him any money. He's said he doesn't feel that everything needs to be split down the middle and he's happy/wants to pay more sometimes...but I usually give him half the money ie. for holidays, new sofa, when we bought the baby's pram etc. because at the time I could and I wanted to be equal.

Having said that.....we are not married so maybe we do need to make wills when the baby is born? As otherwise if something happened the house would go to his Mum or his brothers if she was not alive.. I suppose? He mentioned ages ago that if we got married would I sign a pre-nup regarding the house as it's the only asset he has, his Mum helped him with the deposit for it and I think he's scared that if I left him then he'd be left with no house. But I think if it came to this, I'd have to have a serious think about what this would mean for me....because I live with him and am raising his child, I don't really have a chance to buy a house that's 'ours' with him together and therefore have my own share in a house....but also maybe I wouldn't have that chance anyway considering the state of the economy ?! And also I won't pay money towards the mortgage if I'm not going to own any of the house, that's kind of weird......

TheDoctrine -- no it's his mortgage, he owns the house, not me. And I have heard of being a nanny with own child..and I've seen people do it and ...No...just no. There are so many reasons why that wouldn't work for me and why I wouldn't want to do that. But thanks for the suggestion anyway.

Thank you so much MoreBeta..... you're completely right...what you've said sounds identical to his Mum and how she is...she has suffered from depression as an older lady and now goes to therapy regularly. My DP also went to therapy regularly until just before me and him got together... so he has done a lot of self work but not in the context of being this close with a woman and being in this domestic/fatherhood role that is all new to him. I think it'd really benefit us to go to counselling together at some point, but I also believe that him just living with me and learning what it means to be in this sort of serious, close and intimate relationship with a woman means will give him a slow reality check as to what's really normal in a relationship ! Your message gives me hope that he can change/realise that his reaction is not healthy and that it is damaging to us at times.

Oh and I will say though, we've been hugely lucky in that we won't have to buy many large things for the baby as we have been given so much stuff from other people ! Cot bed, slings, newborn car seat, clothes, toy box, rocking horse, breast pump, steriliser, changing table, sheepskins, door way bouncer, baby gym play mat thing. So hopefully we're not going to be crippled with costs in the first year...just normal household bills and food and nappies.

Laura - I used to work full-time as a nanny for 3 kids but recently finished that job as I was considerably stressed, exhausted, and didn't want to continue working like that whilst pregnant. I am definitely not going to go back to being a nanny after the baby - as I don't fancy looking after other people's children whilst missing out on my baby's 1st year..... I now work 2 or 3 days a week as a Photo Assistant/P.A and can hopefully resume that job after a few months at home with my newborn...it's a flexible job and I can work from home sometimes.

My DP sometimes works every day of the week (very intricate work where he couldn't have a baby around), sometimes works nights, and some weeks he hasn't got much work going on at all (which is what worries him), so we will just juggle childcare when we get to that point.
I'm obviously not earning as much in this part-time job as I was as a nanny full-time (although am trying to find extra bits of work to fit around this job) so he's picking up a bit of the slack already financially and he will be the sole provider for the household for a least a few months as I'm not sure I will get maternity allowance if I started this job whilst I was already pregnant? And it's part time ?
Plus our house-mate will be moving out in May to make room for the baby so that's a big chunk of my DP's income that will be gone which he has had coming in every month for 5 years or so as he's always had a house-mate to help with mortgage.

TheDoctrineof2014 - Thanks for asking, I'm ok now...things have calmed down and we're getting on well. I think my DP is freaking out a bit at the moment about being the main provider...and about his new role as a Dad but I suppose that's normal to have a few bad days of doubting how you're going to handle it.

DuskandShiver and MoreBeta I feel have really hit the nail on the head here.....my DP has had that strong female role model in his single Mum upbringing which has been great in some ways but in others it's given him a false idea of what women should be like at all times - the rock, doing a lot of work inside and outside of the home, never being vulnerable etc which has been really hard for me as although I am very independent (have supported myself pretty much 100% financially since I moved out of home when I was 17, have always worked, not shied away from hard work eg nannying, cleaning jobs if I had to) I also do need some degree of emotional support especially now that I'm pregnant - sometime he's alright at dealing with this and will say the odd really comforting and sensitive thing and I feel like he really gets me and he's supporting me emotionally but the majority of the time I feel it really irritates him and disturbs him when he sees me being emotional or irrational and needing to be comforted or reassured. Which has been happening much more often since one of my best friends died in a car crash in July, and then since I fell pregnant in October....I suppose he's been having a sharp learning curve as to the inner workings of women that he's had hidden from him by his Mum (who doesn't show emotions but the occasional time she has, it's devastated him) and this is most definitely the most serious relationship he's had to date - as in - I live with him, he's being put in the role of father and of provider (at least for a few months) and suddenly he needs to think of me and the baby as priorities rather than just himself, which he's been used to for a long time. He never grew up with any sisters (my brother however told my DP at Xmas that I was actually really chilled during my hormonal teenage years, compared to my brother's girlfriend and my DP was surprised to hear that it's normal to occasionally have to deal with a storm of emotions from the woman you live with - but I LOVED my brother in that moment for saying that as it proved to me DP that actually I am pretty well adjusted and my mood swings are only normal!) My DP did however have pseudo-sisters... strong female friends who he's grown up with in the neighbourhood and who've had kids and worked and sometimes been single mums and he's only seen them being strong and dealing with stuff really well and being really hardy, as of course he hasn't lived with them every day and seen that they may have a softer more emotional side too with needs.... I don't think he's actually got close enough to a woman in a life partner kind of way to see all the ups and downs. And it still freaks him out to see a woman who has needs and strong emotions.

I'm trying to be patient with him and just focus on my side of things - listening to him, accepting him, giving him space to be himself and settle into this new role that he's in. I think he's getting to know more and more that I am my own individual with needs and foibles as well and that if he wants to be in a relationship with me he needs to learn to accept those things.

and Scallopsaregreat - Thank you - yes that's what I wanted to feel - that he DOES have respect for women....And yes I guess what happened is in my hormonal state I really properly called him out on his sexism rather than just rolling my eyes and tutting and ignoring like he expected me to.... He even said "Couldn't you just have rolled your eyes...no need for a shitstorm!" Which is kind of true...I could have done...but I felt so strongly in the moment that he was being a pig and it suddenly amplified every other attitude he's ever communicated about women that I've found worrying or unhealthy. So big explosion ! ha. And yeah I really wanted him to question his initial response that it was 'funny' and think deeper....as in actually...is he contributing to a really corrosive and sexist attitude towards women by condoning this imagery or joining in with 'liking' it online...especially if we have a daughter, but I guess the same applies to a son as well...he will need to think about what messages he's sending out to our child about gender roles in society and about respect and respecting women as well. I don't want us to perpetuate unhealthy attitudes that we have been exposed to growing up, courtesy of the media, for the next 20 years of our child's life ..... I think becoming a parent is a really good chance to grow and examine yourself as a person and think about what values you want to instil in your child and how to empower them etc etc....

Anyway ! Everything is fine..... It's a process. His attitude to women is not the most healthy...but I think he's learning and accepting me more. And also it's not the most awful and sexist attitude either. I'd love for him to not be scared and freaked out by my softer, needier side of my femininity but for now I guess it just says more about how he feels about himself right now than how he feels about me. Got to try not to take it personally as all I can control is my own behaviour and attitudes.