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Original poster

Problems of challenging the beliefs of older women

103 replies

CailinDana · 27/12/2013 14:00

Both my DM and my MIL were brought up in deeply misogynistic environments, my mother in Catholic Ireland and my MIL as the daughter of a single mother in England. They both married men who hold blatantly sexist views. My father said when I was 12 that educating women is pointless as their place is in the home. He holds this view in spite of the fact that my mother is highly educated with a very responsible job and has been the breadwinner throughout their marriage while has barely worked at all. He still left almost all the domestic work and household organising to her and her life was far more difficult than it needed to be due to him.
FIL has similar views and is in general an insecure asshole who likes to big himself up at the expense of others.
Both women have the underlying belief that men are important, come first etc and have put up with treatment they shouldn't have due to this belief.
As an example when I moved in with dh

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Original poster
CailinDana · 27/12/2013 14:26

It makes me angry that the men in their lives have made and continued to make things harder for them but I don't feel I can do much about it other than giving up my viewpoints, which I am not prepared to do.
I didn't envisage this problem. Any thoughts/views?

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Original poster
CailinDana · 27/12/2013 14:22

Both have stood up to their dhs in small but significant ways.
I don't know if it's a coincidence but both my ddad and FIL have gone from being happy to visit at regular intervals to both being reluctant to visit, so much so that MIL and mymum tend to visit on their own. I am not rude to them at all btw.
The problem is that I can see both women are now torn. Both are doting and excellent gms. I invited both my family and family in law for christmas, an opportunity both women jumped at when ds was 1. This year they declined, both I suspect because of their dhs. Now MIL has declined coming for ds's bday.

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Original poster
CailinDana · 27/12/2013 14:13

Sorry pressed wrong button.
...DM said I was "hard on him" as I didn't do his laundry. This was when I worked fulltime and DH was a student. I challenged this and said there was no way I was going to become dh's mother.
Over the years I have rejected expectations of both women that I would become a "proper" wife. DH has come round to this (slowly!) and in 12 years has gone from being quite lazy and entitled to genuinely taking on his share of the household burden.
Since ds was born 3 years ago I've more directly challenged (not in a belligerent way) gender stereotypes particularly MIL's. DS is into pink, dresses and glitter and I have pointedly countered any attempt to mock him. Since DD was born 9 months ago this has stepped up a notch. MIL goes on about girls being more difficult etc and I did say at one point "MIL you're a 'girl' and so am I please stop putting us down."
I think, slowly, the messageis getting through. They've both seen how much easier and more fun having children has been for me because I have a supportive DH. Both have confided in me how their dh's attitudes and actions have made their lives harder.

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