Husbands, equality and breadwinning

32 replies

funnyvalentine · 12/11/2013 14:23

My husband and I have 2 young kids (I'm just back at work after 2nd maternity leave), and I've just been offered a great opportunity to take on a well paid senior role. After more than 4 years of disrupted working from pregnancy/leave, it's a great chance to get my career back on track. This comes at a time when his career is floundering a little and he's struggling to find the next promotion. Though, realistically, we only need one of us to work to support the family.

On the surface, my husband believes in equality etc. and has really encouraged me in going for the senior job. But I think deep down he feels the need to be breadwinner and support the family, just like his dad was. I've always earned less than him due to the career I chose, so now I think we're both struggling a bit with the idea of a switch in work status.

Anyone been through similar?

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Original poster

funnyvalentine · 14/11/2013 08:32

I suppose I'm not really asking because I'm worried that my DH will make it into an issue, I know he'll be pragmatic and is also really happy for me. I'm curious about how much men are really invested in equality. It's really easy to say that you believe in equality when you're the one earning the money and getting all the status that comes with that (which, sadly, is a lot in this society).

I know other couples where the wife outearns the husband, but still the bulk of organising and childcare falls on her.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2013 00:18

It is an interesting talking point. I do contract work, charity stuff and have other irons in the fire. DH, who does the budget, said recently about us earning, "well, you bring in more than me". I hadn't realised. He was quite chuffed about it.

I don't find that this translates into a change in attitude to our life, however. He is great with cleaning and housework generally. However, he keeps his brains in my head. Organising childcare, preschool, friends etc. all falls to me. His DM was a SAHM with a narc, workaholic DH so his childhood doesn't lend itself to equality.

Andcake · 13/11/2013 17:08

I am the breadwinner (dp stay at home dad) and occasionally it flairs up in rows (him saying he is not an equal) but actually he loves the bond he is developing with our rather energetic toddler! and is really supportive of my career. I always tell him I couldn't quite do it all without his support and its true - and I tell him it doesn't make me love him any less. I ve read about people losing respect for dp when things change. I actually respect dp more for being man enough to give it a go!
I think how people around you act to him is important to.

HazleNutt · 13/11/2013 09:11

I'm the breadwinner, DH is self-employed and currently working very little, as he is taking care of our DC1 (4 months old). No problems. But DH is very pragmatic and understands that my career just pays better for similar working conditions, so this set-up makes sense and it would be totally unreasonable to reverse it due to some old-fashioned ideas and gender stereotypes.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 13/11/2013 08:35

Ok so deep down he. Might feel something but his actions are all supportive so that's great.

Original poster

funnyvalentine · 12/11/2013 20:56

I think you were generations ahead grimble!

I mean, the vast majority of households with a male/female couple are still organised such that the man is the main earner. Especially when kids are involved and the woman steps back to take on childcare responsibilities. Which means a lot of men can say they are in favour of equality (or even believe they are) without ever having to face a situation where they're not the main earner. Thinking something is fine in theory is quite different from being comfortable with the idea when it's happening to you!

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grimbletart · 12/11/2013 17:04

Yes, but never found it a problem. When we married he was earning more than me (he's a few years older). Then we had the DCs and he was earning a lot more than me as I chose to freelance from home for a few years. Then I resumed my career and we earned about the same. Then he took early retirement through disability and I earned (obviously) a lot more than him.

It has never been a problem. Everything went into the same pot and we simply treated it as ours.

I am surprised TBH that this seems to be a problem in 2013 (not just you funny valentine - I've seen others say it) as we never found it a problem from the mid 1960s onwards which was when we married.

Is equality going backwards or were DH and I two generations before our time?

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