I have agreed to marry DP......

Can you work along the lines of "we as a family are meeting to celebrate our relationships, proclaim our intention to be a family for the rest of our lives, and would love to have a party with all of you"

So send invites out from your family group, if any of yo are changing or adopting a different name, have that publicly acknowledged, have all of you meeting people together, then going through the ceremony together. Just put the emphasis on being one happy loving family group, rather than husband/wife stuff.

Wow, I really like MooseBeTimeForSnow idea. How amazing. as long as it is fake fur of course!

Just an idea but have a look at Humanist ceremonies. I had no idea what one would be like (tbh thought it would be a bit hippy-ish) but went to one recently and it was fantastic. It was really modern and relevant and included a bit where the guy running the show read out a load of one liners he had heard the couple say to him about each other and why they wanted to marry. Instead if speeches their two best friends did readings but introduced themselves first and gave a little anecdote about how they knew the couple and why they were good together. They also did hand fasting and it makes me wonder if you could include the children in that? So instead of the two of you being 'bound' together it would be the four of you? I'm a traditional kind of gal but this wedding really opened my eyes.

What about the chapel at the Ice Hotel in Sweden? Awesome adventure for all of you. I saw a wedding whilst we were there. The bride had a reasonably big dress with a fur cape and huge furry boots hidden under her dress. 'Twas magical.

If you don't want to do speeches etc how about doing the basics at reg office then getting in a humanist celebrant humanism.org.uk/ceremonies/non-religious-weddings/ to conduct something for you? They could do it wherever you like. What's a special place for you as a family? They could tell the story of your family, and explain that this is a ceremony to celebrate your marriage to each other and the strengthening of the bond between you all as a family. In terms of bringing in the kids, instead of just exchanging rings perhaps you could get a simple silver bracelet for each child as well, so you all give each other a new sign of your family connection?

Hi VelvetStrider congratulations.

My father had died by the time my sister got married so she walked in with my daughter as her flower girl. I count myself very lucky that my dad walked me down the aisle. He had spent ages preparing, where he would stand, what he needed to say (I do) in answer to the (yes, very sexist question) who gives this woman to be married to this man. As we prepared to walk down the aisle he turned to me and said "You'll have to tell me what to do, I've forgotten everything!"

I don't think most modern parents (or husbands) view the imagery as it is represented (although, of course you are very right it, it is totally patriarcical). I think it is all old fashioned and sexist and for me if my DD were getting married now I guess she would walk herself down the aisle. But if she asked me it might be nice to say (as a parent) that I am delighthted/give my blessing etc to her marriage and for that to be part of the ceremony. Maybe your kids could lead the cheer that sometimes goes up when a couple kiss at the end of the service. maybe instead of 'man and wife# or whatever the person officiating could say 'I now declare you married', and then a massive cheer led by your children? My daughter hates to be in the limelight so would not handle that at all.

Will you write 'vows' or make declarations of love? If so this is an area where you could both write your own thing.

A friend had her son baptised after her wedding, it was really beautiful.They played Jon Lennon's 'beautiful boy'. We had our daughter dedicated. So for us it was about dedicating ourselves as parents. I must admit I have never been to a naming ceremony. Is the significance of the naming ceremony a way of expressing your delight in having the children you have?

Hope it all goes really well.

I love that skater. Probably doesn't work so well if the couple already have children, but for a couple who don't it's lovely. I respect people bringing their own perspectives to walking down the aisle -e.g. Whatdoesit's story is lovely - but so often it is still the woman being walked down and the man standing at the top as an independent individual. I'll say again that I'm a hypocrite because my Dad walked me down the aisle though.

At Jewish weddings the bride walks down the aisle with both parents and so does the groom . Love this.

At my wedding we struck the words Who give this women to this man.... I refused to wear a veil and we scrapped the bouquet toss, which I find insulting to single women

Congratulations :)

Just to add my agreement about registry office. I got married at ours recently and we just did the legal bits - took about 10 mins as pp have said. I walked down the aisle with DH. I love my dad and he was there but as I didn't belong to him, there was no need for him to give me away. (Plus I certainly don't belong to DH now). My dad was proud that I felt that way. We didn't but I think you can add any vows you want, so you might be able to get the naming part included in the ceremony. You could have reception / dancing / food / drinks at the registry office too these days, or at any civil-approved venue.
Congrats by the way

I was walked down the aisle by my Mum. For me this was a piece of symbolism which represented my relationship with her, my admiration and thanks to her for bringing me up and being there. it really was about me moving on to a new chapter in my life, as a wife and a mother. it wasn't about ownership at all and I never felt that. I didn't see myself as a chattel moving from one family to another, but as me taking a step forward in my life which inevitably would mean a different relationship with my immediate family.

That said, I would never have had my dad walk me down the aisle. I had no admiration for his parenting skills, didn't feel attached to him in any way and couldn't think of anyone worse to be representing my family. He wasn't even there. (he was invited, but chose not to come - it meant an overseas trip).

I just wanted to point out that the walking up the aisle bit doesn't have to mean a passing of ownership and I doubt many women see it that way these days.

Well, I only have experience of one gay wedding, but both brides wore dresses (not matching ones! But I think that they had had someone see both to check that they would look ok together) and they took a new family name formed from parts of both surnames (which I think is lovely if it works with your names).

I think it's a bit odd to talk about 'becoming' a unit of four to be horribly blunt. Surely you are already? I'd have said it's more a thanksgiving for your family. Many Christian families who don't have a Christening have a thanksgiving service. Maybe there is something you could steal from there and de-religion? Or something from other religions? It's a bit cheesy, but I kind of like a variation on the bouquets thing upthread- if each member of the family had different flowers and you blended them together to make an arrangement symbolising the different things you all bring to one whole. I am sure you could do similar with other things as well. Wouldn't have to be flowers.

For afterwards, all of you choosing your favourite music and making one big playlist would be nice? Maybe planting a tree or something at your home or somewhere suitable?

dontmind - but the symbolism of being walked down the aisle is still conveying a similar thing, even without the words. Not that I can talk, as I said upthread.

Ah, velvet - the 'who gives this woman to wed this man' bit is just for church weddings. There's nothing like that in a civil wedding. See if there's details of the 'standard' ceremony on the council's website.

Oh and if you and your DH2B aren't all that traditional, your wedding just won't be!

My views on marriage (the traditional bits) are similar to yours and my children were a similar age when we got married.

A few things we did were.

All four of us walked down the aisle together. No 'giving away' or anything although I have no contact with my Dad anyway so I think some people though I was just getting around that.

I didn't have a bouquet or anything that made me 'bride'.

Instead of any formal speeches, me & DH stood up together and said a few words, just thank you for coming etc, nothing OTT.

We had a formal-ish meal but had one big banquet table with lots of dishes that people helped themselves to, which was really nice, social and didn't make it feel like a formal wedding.

We didn't do a naming ceremony like you want but made sure our DCs & other kids were part of things. We had giant board games in the hotel gardens which all guests played, made everything fun & relaxed with the focus on a family day.

No cake cutting or first dance. Big party in the evening where the DJ just coaxed everyone into getting on the dance floor. Lots of good music plus some kiddy songs too.

I'm not really getting the naming ceremony bit tbh. What does it have to do with the wedding? I know that people occasionally do a joint church christening/wedding (possibly to kill two birds with one stone?), but surely at 5 and 2 the children have already been named for quite a long time? Esp. as they already have both your names and nothing will be changing.

Instead of a naming ceremony maybe you could find a simpler way of involving your children? I like the idea of all walking in together, or them standing up with you. Or a non-religious dedication/pledge made to them by you and your DP? It's really easy to have a low key feminist wedding. I've been to loads! Avoiding all the things you want to avoid is really quite common these days Congrats!

oh and congraulations!

You have to be married in licenced venue that has to be indoors, but a lot of places get round that by having gazebos with a liecence so you can sort of get married outside, so long as you are both stood under it...

I've been to a wedding where they walked in together down the aisle rather than one waiting for the other - so not so much as being 'given away' more "grand arrival".

If you are having a civil wedding, ask what are the bare legal bits and how much alteration you can do to the rest. I think you only have to confirm your names, that you enter into the marriage freely, and you aren't married to anyone else and sign the register. (but worth checking) Everything other than that is just padding so you can alter the padding as you like, but not put in any religious bits to a civil wedding.

It might sound silly, but if you want to take a lot of the male/female traditional roles out of your wedding, it might be worth looking at gay weddings/civil partnerships - there's lots of websites with gay wedding planning ideas.

Offensive crap!? Well I have fell down the rabbit hole. I got married in a registry office and all we said was there was no reason for us not to marry.

did I miss something? Got married two decades ago in a registry office and don't recall anything in the 10 minute ceremony about passing from ownership of one man to another. I think it was love, honour and cherish - obey was long gone even then.

nope, looked really hard and can't see anything paternalistic or about ownership. I've been to other reg office ceremonies since and never noticed anything like that - and they were still lovely moments full of meaning for the couple.

no fuss, no hassle, job done. I think it costs about £100 now, you might want to buy a new outfit but it isn't compulsory.

I agree with Mildred that standing up involves people a lot more (with seating for those who need it).

I don't think you are allowed to marry outside in the UK either, but bear in mind that the legalities are fairly short. You could choose to have the formal legal bits done in a barn type venue and then move outside afterwards for more informal readings, naming, etc. I think as long as the registrar has departed, you can do pretty much what you like. Probably want a back up in case of showers too!

I went a lovely wedding in Spain which took place in the groom's parents' garden. Someone took the phone off the small table in the hall and carried it out when the registrar arrived, that was where they signed the papers. we all stood around except for some older people who sat on about 10 chairs that had been brought out from the house, the wedding took about 3 minutes and then it was dinner and dancing. All night. It was lovely because it was so informal but it could also have been lovely if the wedding part had been a bit longer and wordier (although I would not have understood it as it would have been Spanish)

I also went to a handfasting which I loved, which took place outdoors with people standing around in a circle... I think the people standing around outdoors bit is really nice! Not squashed passively into chairs into places with air conditioning... people active and alert and involved in your ceremony, under the sky

I don't think you are allowed to get married outdoors in this country but you could get a light barn-like venue and stand right in the doorway or something ;)

It is a pity you don't want to do speeches because I think you and dp are the people to officially name your children if you are not religious. It would be nice if you could bring yourself to do a short sweet announcement of how happy you are to have dc1, how you named him Alfonso after dear great Uncle Alfonso, and how he lives up to his name, or doesn't, because blah. If you do not think this is "you" then you should just sit in a giant throne and make the dcs kneel in front of you while you touch them on the shoulders saying "arise, Alfonso!"

All walk down the aisle together. Aisles are fun!
Get the kids to read or sing a poem or song (there's stuff in the owl and the pussycat, or various lear poems, or a a milne etc). Have children involved generally.
Husband and wife not man and wife
Happy songs not "bridal" ones. Whatever you like!
Have drinks in the venue before hand.
Put photos of your family on the programme.

Hmmm. I am not an expert. I do own two children of a similar age to yours though.

If I was planning a wedding now, I'd probably do it as 'a celebration of the X Y's' I think it'd be a bit odd to have anything that was too much about making a new family because (unlike a blended family, where the wedding may well be cementing something) you obviously already are one.

Have you thought about maybe stealing some ideas from Christening ceremonies and de-religioning it? You could each make promises to your children and have some of the significant adults in their life do too?

Have you thought about the food? I've always thought that the meal bit of a wedding is hard work if you have small kids. Keeping them quiet and sitting down, etc. Maybe a big bbq or buffet or something where it is all more relaxed? And if you're not into speeches a little slideshow of photos is really easy to compile with some wording at the end (much better worded than this but expressing the sentiment) "Thank you for being part of this celebration of our family and we look forward to sharing the next stage of the journey with you all"

Watching intently for inspiration as I have strong views on a lot of the traditional bits too and it is putting me off organising it!