Why would you be proud to be married?

MistAllChuckingFrighty, yy esp the idea that some people are smug because they chose well. No luck involved? it was completely within their control, as is everything else in their life and they know with absolute certainty that their husband will never run off or misbehave.

Its a little like saying that the free market can be played to ones own advantage if you work hard and you are very bright. All those who have to claim benefits are just not trying hard enough. Individual self centred narcissism gone mad!

like it

I got married for many and varied reasons, one of them that it was the 'done thing' at a certain point in your life, so nothing to be particularly proud of as an achievement.
The legal side of it was purely practical: we had been talking about having children and as the Law stood/stands there IS more protection for married couples than for those in any other relationship. I don't think that is right, but that is as it stands.

I hate the notion of the woman as the husband's 'chattel' which is why I struggled with my dad 'giving me away' . I let him because it ment a lot to him.

So, no, on reflection I am not particularly proud to be married, but I am quite happy to be.

No, I won't leave it - it's an open forum and it's not up to you to dictate who takes part or doesn't, that's not how MN works.

So - are you any clearer as to why the people on the other thread might have said they were proud to be married?

I'm married and like but I'd never say I was proud of it.

I'm proud of our relationship, but not of being married.

being in a long-term, healthy relationship IS an achievement

I love my DH and I'm very happy to be married to him but I wouldn't say I'm proud to be married. It's not an achievement

Grennie: Perhaps your lack of understanding is more about how you have interpreted the sentiment expressed as 'proud'. What do you believe it to mean?

I feel proud to have been married for almost 30 years, proud because my husband is a wonderful man and a fabulous father, he's proud to have me as his wife - what in the world could be wrong with that?
Proud because we've achieved a wonderful life together, despite being mere teenagers when we got together.
Same as I'm proud he's been to war and served his country.

Do you think that was OTT?

Instead of asking the few people on another thread who stated that they feel proud to be married (although let's face it, it's not really anyone else's business, is it?), the OP starts a thread entitled "why would anyone" - roughly translated as 'why on earth would anyone', goes on to relate marriage as 'living under the patriarchy', and then asserts that marriage is sold as an aspiration to girls and women.

Sweeping generalisations made by someone who really doesn't want to recognise or acknowledge that another woman may feel differently to her, but instead chooses to demean them for feeling 'proud'.

I am proud of my achievements

That is what being "proud" means to me. Looking around the FWR and relationships boards it seems that if you have a husband or a marriage to be proud of it is more a matter of luck than a personal achievement.

I guess it's where the term "smug married" comes from. There comes across a certain amount of judgement from those who picked well towards those who picked less well. I don't think it comes from a kind, sisterly or pleasant place, tbh.

"Why would a woman under patriarchy be proud to be married?"

Because getting married is the highest achievement a woman can aspire to.

She has somehow convinced a man to validate her socially.

I'm not proud to be married, but I do prefer my husband to be called my husband and not my partner.

I have a lot of partners of various kinds (business, collaborative) and only one husband.

I can't really see why a nurse would refuse to use the world husband if asked. It seems very churlish and rude.

SirChenjin, that is a bit unfair. Marriage is absolutely something that feminists need to be talking about.

As things are we have a patriarchal, capitalist system that subsumes and repackages cultural messages, selling ideas back to us, shaping human behaviours and aspirations. Marriage benefits patriarchy and capital in many ways and helps to glue society together in ways that create and recreate the conditions of inequality for women. From unpaid labour, reproduction of labour power/the species to all the bloody expense of getting married. On top of that you have the legal system and the institutions of religion that help to enshrine marriage as necessary in terms of legal/property rights and social status.

I'm proud because my mental health problems made it very unlikely for me to find and stay in a committed relationship and I have managed to do that.

I am proud of myself for being married for 3 and a half years and together with my husband for 8 years.

I'm married and very happily so but it's certainly not something I'm proud of. In fact I would have to say I'm slightly ashamed to be married when marriage equality for gay and lesbian partners doesn't exist around the world.

Well, our wedding day was lovely (much nicer than I had feared, having dreaded the whole being-the-centre-of-attention-first-dance-oh-isn't-her-makeup-dreadful) and I suppose I am proud of the fact that we have stuck with each other through ups and downs and in spite of the fact that we are very different personalities.

I am not specifically 'proud' of my status as a 'married woman'. I never felt I signed any rights away, on the contrary, my rights as an individual, part of a partnership and as the mother of our children is more protected than if we were not married. I am not defending that odd fact, I am just stating it.

I have an unmarried aunt who is very proud of never having married .

I want to echo Jimbo.......proud to be married to MY man not proud just to be married...
And OP I don't feel I don't deserve love and commitment.....more proud that someone thoughtful, intelligent and wonderful loves and is commited to me. I know he feels the same....in fact now I sound nauseatingly smug!!! Urgh! But it's a resounding endorsement of oneself if someone you think so highly of thinks the same of you......reading the forums on here does make me grateful but I don't feel undeserving.
And thinking further I think marriage is just a shorthand and explicit public declaration for 'love, commitment, trust, respect' and if I had that explicitly without the marriage (but with explicit agreement to always work on the relationship if things felt less good) but with all the legal stuff (turning off my ventilator, inheriting my stuff rather than my parents/kods) then it would be much the same....

Wow SirChenjin, that's a bit OTT.

Not quite the same thing, but I've never understood why your family, and particularly your father, is supposed to be proud of you on your wedding day.
I've done loads of things to be proud of: getting married was awesome, but not one of them.

Grennie - you don't really want to know, do you? You want to sneer at, patronise and diminish any woman you feel is 'under the patriarchy' and who, for whatever reason, is proud to be married.