Why would you be proud to be married?

I am married. It was a sexist solution to a sexist problem (namely ensuring that my children and I would not be left destitute should things go awry) but I did not have the time nor the inclination to draw up a plethora of separate legal documents. I still resent it as I dislike contributing to marriage being an enduring patriarchal socio-historical institution, but I am hopeful that it is slowly changing through moves such as allowing same sex couples to marry.

Having said that, I love DP and I am very happy in a relationship with him. But it has nothing to do with marriage.

Beautifully expressed Plinkyplonks! x

NoArmaniNoPunani "I don't agree. What does that mean for people who are divorced? Do you think they've somehow failed?"

No, it just means that people value it even more when two people manage to make the relationship work, stay happy and true to themselves for a long period of time.

I know people who have been married for 50 years? Why shouldn't they be proud for making their marriage work for 50 years? I feel sad that some people here think it's OK to define what others should feel proud about.

Marriage doesn't have to be oppressive against women/men or a cage. Marriage can equally be an 'enabler' for people to thrive in a loving, caring and secure relationship. I don't see why women should feel guilty for being proud of their marriage, their decision to get married, their position as a wife/partner?

Yy Flora, sad but true.

Grennie...but you did take the concept from that thread and so need to keep it in context if you are to achieving the understanding you say you are looking for. Otherwise, the question is at best abstract and at worst superficial and provocative.

The women I know who would describe themselves as proud to be married tend to come from conservative backgrounds where marriage is considered to be the pinnacle of achievement for a woman. And by achievement, I mean walking down the aisle with a man, not 20 years of partnership and support. When my DPs separated, my DM was an object of pity even from women whose husbands beat them because at least they had a man. I think a lot of women still get these messages that they have achieved something by bagging a man.

analysing/them

I suppose I don't go on about 'feeling proud to be married' in RL - that would be cringeworthy and v 'smug married'ish, yuck.

I don't think that the status 'married' has lost all its allure for women yet otherwise the wedding industry wouldn't continue to go from strength to strength . Look at all the threads on here about wedding lists/guest dilemmas/with or without kids/cars/cakes/cateteres/dress etc etc, people saying they 'cannot afford to get married' - all that guff.

'Tis a bugbear of mine that some people confuse 'wedding' with 'marriage' - one may lead to the other, but they are not interchangeable. And a massive wedding is not prerequisite for a happy marriage.

"I saw a few women on that other thread saying they were proud to be married. It wasn't only the OP. And I just thought it was strange"

It seems from what you said earlier that you were more intent on analyse other people's posts from the perspective of finding it 'strange' rather than from a feminist perspective.

Being divorced and picking yourself up and getting on with your life is also an achievement

divorcing an arsehole is an achievement

being proud of those things doesnt mean you look down on people who haven't done them, it just means that YOU are proud of them.

being in a long-term, healthy relationship IS an achievement

I don't agree. What does that mean for people who are divorced? Do you think they've somehow failed?

Pacific, if anything you should be more proud of a long term friendship or unmarried relationship. In those relationships its not the legality of marriage holding it together....

Since when did a "feminist perspective" come to mean highly individualised personalised experience alone and nothing else?
Since neoliberalism and the subsuming of feminism into a liberal mainstream movement about individual choice and self actualisation. So now we are only allowed to say "yep good for you, individual choice all the way and stuff the politics"

What is feminism...anything you want it to be, it would seem.

Grennie.... having been one of the earlier posters who used the word 'proud'..... please rest assured that, for me, there is nothing 'more going on here'.

I am married and proud of it. I am happy that my husband and I have made a spiritual, legal and loving commitment to one another. I am proud to call him my husband. I am proud because we have been through some tough times and staying together, working through our issues and coming out stronger is something we are proud about. The terms boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did not seem enough. I don't care for the historical context of marriage. My husband does not own or define me. Neither do I own or define him. We are equals in our relationship, he encourages me to be a happier, healthier person and he encourages me to achieve my goals and ambitions as do I for him. The law may define what marriage is legally, but we defined our own marriage. For me, marriage is a partnership and commitment to each other through good times and bad times, with the legal and social benefits it gives us.

I'm proud of my dp, I'm proud of our children, I'm proud that dp is committed to me. But I'm not ashamed of not being married.

I think it's a "pride" in being married that often kept women in unhappy marriages. Being "married" is nothing to be proud of in and of itself.

Grennie, I disagree: I think people are rightly proud to maintain longterm friendships or good relationships with their parents or whoever.

Is this about why people on the other thread said they were proud to be married, or how marriage within patriarchal society can make people proud? .

I suspect that semantics do come into it and that many of us say 'marriage' as shorthand for 'successful longterm committed relationship'.

I did not read the other thread btw, so feel free to ignore me .

I am happy to call other people's Significant Other whatever the hell they want me to call them.

Read it....and no, I don't mean that my marriage is an achievement or an aim in my life. I was not a young woman who felt I needed to be married to validate or complete my existence. I adore my Husband and feel that sharing our life together, as equals, is something to be treasured. I totally accept that this is not the right path for everyone and probably wouldn't have been for me with anyone other than my Husband.
The original thread was about one woman who felt it was important to have her Husband referred to, my medical professionals, as her Husband and not as her Partner. I agreed that it was a reasonable expectation having made a polite request. It is a fact that the man I am married to is my Husband and I am his wife. Life is simpler when we call a spade a spade!

I am proud to be happy but I would probably be proud to be single. I would also be proud to be married to another woman. I guess I dont have self esteem issues

I have been with my DH for 30 years and I was 18 when we first lived together. I AM proud of that. It doesn't just happen by magic - you have to make it work. I do however realise that there is some luck involved and I don't look down on people who are not married or who have been divorced.

Grennie you say that you guess people who say they are proud to be married have bought into the idea that marriage is the pinnacle of ambition for every woman. Really? That's a bit of a leap. I bet you can't find one person that thinks that.

For some people getting out of bed is an achievement, who are you (or anyone else) to say what should or shouldnt be considered an achievement?

I am smug - because I "chose well" , and, what of it?

I think a long and happy marriage is quite an achievement, I'm as proud of my marriage as I am of my Daughter.