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Original poster

Why would you be proud to be married?

261 replies

Grennie · 03/11/2013 18:06

I am just trying to understand this from a feminist perspective. Why would a woman under patriarchy be proud to be married?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 03/11/2013 20:43

It is also true that not marrying is used in the same way by certain abusive men. To ensure that the woman does not have the financial and legal security that marriage at least theoretically provides

Good point Penguins.

happybubblebrain · 03/11/2013 20:42

I'm proud that I stand on my own two feet. I'm proud that I question what I am told I should aspire to by the patriarchy. I think people are far too compliant and unquestioning. I really don't see how marriage can be something to be proud of. For lots of women around the world marriage is enforced slavery.

SirChenjin · 03/11/2013 20:41

I know Grennie - see the last part of my sentence 'for women who have made their own decision to marry (or not)' ie those not coerced/forced.

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:41

Penguins...lovely!

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 03/11/2013 20:41

Marriage is used as a cultural prop- Yes. In certain communities; in certai relationships, in certain situations. Yes, totally agree.

It is also true that not marrying is used in the same way by certain abusive men. To ensure that the woman does not have the financial and legal security that marriage at least theoretically provides (though enforcement is obviously a troublesome issue).

I am not sure that, in many groups, being married does have higher social status. Certainly in older age groups. In certain communities. With younger people and urban areas, I'm not so sure. I can think of a lot of couples where I don't know if they are married or not. In fact, one couple posted wedding photos recently on Facebook and it was the first time I had given their marital status a thought either way.

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:40

You make some very valid historical points, but they do not wholly reflect marriage in our society today. I certainly do not view my marriage through this lens which appears to focus on a negative perspective.
Rest assured I would not feel 'proud' to remain in an unhappy or loveless marriage.

Original poster
Grennie · 03/11/2013 20:36

Sir, it really depends which women you are talking about in the UK. There are still women coerced or forced into marriage in the UK. No it is not a choice for some women, in some communities.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 03/11/2013 20:34

Has marriage always been a choice?

No, it hasn't - but I think we're talking about now, in the UK, for women who have made their own decision to marry (or not).

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 03/11/2013 20:32

I've noticed in the past that the word 'proud' always seems to get a pasting on MN. It seems to be seen in a very 'Wow, look how great I am. Look what I've achieved' way, whereas in real life I am not sure that is such a common perception. I have a friend, for example, who is incredibly 'proud' to be Welsh (think Catatonia on repeat). It's not an achievement. She hasn't contributed anything to Welshnesss as such. She doesn't promote (or even speak the language), devote herself to preserving the culture. She's just Welsh because she happened to be born to Welsh parents and she's proud of it. And I think that most people just accept that as a characteristic of herself that she likes and values.

On the issue of marriage. I am married. I am proud of my marriage (not of 'being' married per se) and the work we have put into it over the years. I am proud to be in a relationship with my husband because I think he's a wonderful person. When I introduce him to people who haven't met him before, I feel good that he is the person I am introducing. Because I (at a personal level and without any judgement on those who have made different choices) value the promises and commitment I have made through marriage, I guess that means I am proud to be married to my husband.

Original poster
Grennie · 03/11/2013 20:31

Marriage was designed as a patriarchial institution, in which women were owned and controlled by men. It wasnt that long ago, that a married woman was legally owned in the UK, by her Husband. And many of the customs of a wedding reflect that status.

So it makes sense to critique marriage from a feminist perspective. I think marriage has changed, certainly legally. But it is still used as a cultural prop to control and subordinate women.

Look at the emphasis on the wedding day being the best day of your life. And the emphasis on making your marriage work, and the subsequent shame many women feel if they end up divorcing.

I think making your marriage work is BS. If you have chosen the right person, then yes there will be conflicts that you have to deal with as in any relationship. But the working at it trope, keeps a lot of women in bad marriages.

Also in society women who are married do have higher social status than women who are not. That is a reality, and that makes marriage very attractive for many women.

So given that context, being proud to be married, or being proud to have a long happy marriage, is open to feminist critique.

OP posts:
HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:30

It wasn't always, and in many cases may not be now. For me, it was and is every day. One of the best choices I have ever made x

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2013 20:28

Its that word choice again?

Has marriage always been a choice?

Geckos48 · 03/11/2013 20:26

I got married because for the legal benefits it brings I would have had to pay lots more in solicitors fees.

It makes things a lot easier as far as children go.

NoComet · 03/11/2013 20:23

Because in a world where people treat me as the fall guy, the butt of their jokes, I can smile and say some body loves me and has done for 25 years, so there!

SirChenjin · 03/11/2013 20:22

Fine - horses for courses and all that. One person's choice does not trump another's...

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2013 20:20

Hurrah!

SolidGoldBrass · 03/11/2013 20:19

I'm proud that I have never married, because in a world where women are still mostly only taken seriously if they have 'caught' a man (ie allowed one to take ownership of them) it's quite an achievement to have a) escaped the trap and b) made a good and happy life without engaging in heteromonogamy.

Geckos48 · 03/11/2013 20:19

What constitutes a 'feminist perspective' in your eyes?

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:18

Perhaps your view of what constitutes Feminism is a little narrow?

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:17

I didn't say you didn't but surely you needed to understand the quote in its original context first??

Original poster
Grennie · 03/11/2013 20:15

HRH - My post may have been clumsily written. But of course I wanted a feminist perspective on it. Otherwise why would I have posted it in feminism section.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 20:14

It was a sexist solution to a sexist problem (namely ensuring that my children and I would not be left destitute should things go awry)

Yep.

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2013 20:14

FunnyFadge, could you define what you mean by legal and social benefits?

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:12

Hurrah!

FunnyFadge · 03/11/2013 20:11

I am married and proud of it. I am happy that my husband and I have made a spiritual, legal and loving commitment to one another. I am proud to call him my husband. I am proud because we have been through some tough times and staying together, working through our issues and coming out stronger is something we are proud about. The terms boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did not seem enough. I don't care for the historical context of marriage. My husband does not own or define me. Neither do I own or define him. We are equals in our relationship, he encourages me to be a happier, healthier person and he encourages me to achieve my goals and ambitions as do I for him. The law may define what marriage is legally, but we defined our own marriage. For me, marriage is a partnership and commitment to each other through good times and bad times, with the legal and social benefits it gives us.

^^
This is practically what I wanted to say. I'm proud to be married. I'm not bothered who knows it. Don't like the idea of marriage, don't do it.