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Original poster

Keeping my surname

31 replies

popsnsqeeze · 15/10/2013 11:27

Hi All,

DH and I were married about 7 years ago now. I'm from the UK, we were married abroad and have now moved to a third country.
Out of sheer laziness and lack of money I never updated my British passport to my married name. Now, in moving to country 3 the visa is being issued in my maiden name as per my British passport. And I like that!
So in country 3 I want to revert back to my maiden name. Obviously I have to check into the legalities but aside from that I want to be able to coherently explain to DH why I want to keep my name.
My reasons are,

  1. I simply prefer it.
  2. I have become much more feminist thinking and don't see why I need his name.

But I think I'll need to really be able to explain it to him as he'll argue that as a family we should all have one name, and he thinks I'm being a crazy feminist. I've only recently started thinking with a more feminist approach, and I don't know that I'll be able to explain myself adequately.

So I'm looking for the more thought out reasons as to why this is really not a big deal for him. And I guess just to develop my own thoughts and reasoning.

Thank you!

OP posts:
slug · 15/10/2013 12:20

WoTamia is right. that's the exact same discussion I had with DH re name changing before we were married. i.e.
Him: Are you going to change your name?
Me: Why? Are you?
End of conversation.

If you do want any extra ammunition, it may be worth pointing out that all your qualifications are (presumably) in your maiden name and should you apply for a job you may need to take your marriage certificate too to prove you are who you say you are and are qualified to do what you claim. Would he put up with having to do that?

Original poster
popsnsqeeze · 15/10/2013 12:10

Country 3 is the USA, not so sure of the norms. I suspect it is not the norm to keep maiden names.
I really just want DH to broaden his thinking and understand my reasons and support them.

OP posts:
dotty2 · 15/10/2013 11:48

PS - what's the norm in Country 3? There are plenty of cultures where it's much more usual for women to keep their name.

dotty2 · 15/10/2013 11:47

I didn't change my name when we married, and DH completely accepted that, and was actively supportive - as I would have expected. But I can see that reverting back when you have changed it might feel like more of a big deal to your DH. So while I'm sure you'll get lots of people saying 'you don't need to explain yourself' (and they're right, of course), perhaps you do need to help him understand why so it doesn't feel like a moving away from him, IYSWIM. I think it partly depends on the thinking and influences you're exposed to? Is part of your explanation to him that you simply hadn't thought about it as a possibility at the time but now because of how your thinking as moved on, it is more important to you?

WoTmania · 15/10/2013 11:42

If he says that you need the same name as a family you could suggest he change his name to yours...
But, really, it's your choice. You don't need to do any convincing.

Boosterseattheballcleaner · 15/10/2013 11:37

You don't need to explain yourself, DH respected my decision to keep my name and that's the end of it really. Its your name and you may do as you please.

He wouldn't be the man i married if he tried to make me feel guilty for doing something I didn't want to.