"Few mothers drop out. They tend to drop from good jobs into bad ones."

The example with my dd .. She knows I won't remind her 95% of the time so has to take responsibility of thinking about what needs to be done.
DP knows I won't cook so will either prepare something in advance for me to heat up or will come home and cook himself.
You need to change their expectations and you can not control their behaviour only your own. Just stop doing all the stuff.

You are not being unreasonable. Why should women have to do all the crappy chores at the expense of their careers their well being their identities ???!!
Equally we have a responsibility to stop enabling others lazy behaviour by picking up the pieces. My dd does way more homework when I don't have time to nag care about it!

Curry you sound like me in that you are an organised perfectionist control freak. Let go. The world will not end if something you delegated doesn't get done. Let the person take the consequences. And those should be the direct consequences, not you having a go because you did the thing in the end.

I have gone from a minimum wage job to degree qualified, then to a management role, and due to start a masters in a profession soon. I have done all this since children, but my dh just does a lot of stuff at home. We both work full time, but its pretty stressfree at present even with 2 kids as I know dh is there.

Or LTB

I mean seriously that is the other option.

He stops doing it, no one has clean clothes until it affects him. Then if it still doesn't change, chuck him out, or be a stressed and miserable servant of other people your whole life, I mean, what about your career, your life, your chill time?!

Another voice here advocating splitting responsibilities (so you dont have to tell you DP to do things thereby avoiding the "boss" problem)

For example

My DP does all the shopping and cooking and I do not lift a finger or worry a single tiny thought about what we are eating. Yes it means I have to eat what he cooks but it's a fair trade. He cleans the kitchen and does washing up/dishwasher.

I do all the bills car insurance mortgage etc. he does not have to worry about these things. I also do laundry and clean bathroom. I do dd's school admin too.

We used to "share" responsibility for everything which caused massive resentment on both sides and arguments (because I'd "delegate" a piece of admin and he'd forget, or lose it, so I would have to nag until it was done, therefore never being able to truly delegate, and on the other side he would get pissy that I had not given any thought to what we would be eating that night).

Now we don't expect the other to help with the other's areas of responsibility at all, it's really harmonious. But if your partner secretly believes he shouldn't have to do an equal share, then that's a different problem I'm afraid. Although I would recommend you try the above anyway. If he doesn't do his bits, they don't get done.

OP, there is a huge amount happening in your life and in your head. It sounds to me as though you could use the services of a counsellor. With them you can say what you want without it coming back to bite you in the arse and sort out what is important, what is rubbish, what are solely your issues, what are family issues and what can be done to make things better.

With so much going on, is it any wonder you feel overwhelmed and under pressure. Get a counsellor and get it all out before making any big decisions.

My stab at advice (ha! I do not have this solved!)

Potty training. Talk to your cm. How ready does she think dd2 is? Wait until she's really really ready, take a friday off work and start then. She'll probably have the hang of it by Monday. In my (limited, n=2) experience, CMs are very willing to support potty training.

Practical stuff. Unfuck your habitat. A bit like fly lady but a million times less annoying (and more sweary). The main recommendation is to to 20mins of un-fucking at a time (set a timer) and then have a break. I've made enormous progress doing this just once or twice a day.

You are not responsible for managing your dh's cognitive dissonance. We have made progress with this, but it's included DH reading 'why does he do that' and recognising that he was using some of the techniques of emotional abusers to control the extent to which I challenge him about this (and other stuff). This is big shit, tbh and will not be resolved overnight. DH has had some counselling which has helped.

I have also really worked on myself (a bit like Lady mentions) to challenge some of my own thinking and learn to assert myself a bit more effectively. This has excellent cross over at work too.

Do you work long hours? Is there anything you could do to reduce that without impacting your career? Are you stressed by work or is it just(!) household/family stuff?

The problem with feeling you need to change jobs is the fact the YOU have considered it and your husband probably never has. he doesn't feel the weight of the home/work balance because his work is all he really worries about. he has you for all the rest.

You need to insist on something more fair. Write down a huge list of everything which needs doing and when and divide it equally.

Then stop worrying about his list. if he forgets, it is his fault.

maybe you could also BOTH take one week off work while the kids are at school and sort out everything in the house so it is a fresh start.

Thanks minipie for suggesting that - I had it at the back of my mind - was put off taking it further by: a. cost. b. you need to give a month's notice, so it is not something to be done in an immediate crisis, and if not an immediate crisis then what justification do I have for this upheaval? c. what upheaval? Well, the cost to my family in £; and at work, no one does what I do and it is often time sensitive. Taking a fortnight would be a right headache.

but by suggesting it independently you are reinforcing my sense that there are things to done and I need to be there to do them (true)

A short term suggestion : can you take some parental leave from your job? the up to 13 weeks every parent has the right to take before their child is 5.

It is unpaid so depends on whether you can afford it, but could give you a little bit of breathing space to get things in shape, potty train etc. Your employer can ask you to postpone to a different time, but can't say no, I believe.

Totally hear you on the wifework/getting DP to truly believe he has equal responsibility for home stuff. Don't have any magic solution as I have the same issue (I blame maternity leave/lack of compulsory paternity leave). I think Lady's suggestion of having him entirely responsible for some areas is a good one. Preferably ones where he will be embarrassed if he gets it wrong rather than ones he clearly just doesn't care about.

The cognitive dissonance is a hard one to tackle. Both for you and him.

I found it easier to start with myself and start acting as if I felt I was equal and things should be shared. Also as if I really trusted him to do things right.
It seemed that just by pretending that he would take the responsibility, do things the right way, this gas been enough to make him to do it that way. Hope it makes sense!

A summary would be that you are exhausted because even though you don't DO everything, you are still the one who is supervising and being in charge.
And that is exhausting, prob even more when someone else is supposed to do x or y.

Your DH needs to get the responsibility for some things. Let say, he is in charge of the meals so dies the shipping and cooking. Whether he wants to do some meal planning it not us his choice but he has to get on with it iyswim. No input from you.
And you, let's say, you do all the clothes stuff. Sorting out what can be worn, buying stuff, ironing etc...

Would that work?

Just read your last post. That sounds really difficult. Are you able to talk about it with him?

My DH does accept that I'm the person who knows what needs doing etc, but he still doesn't like me asking him to do anything. In theory he agrees that we should make an equal contribution, but in his heart of hearts he clearly doesn't believe it.

I actually would consider LTB over it, because it's a fundamental issue of fairness and equality and it's also the lesson we're teaching our dds.

He's been working away during the week for the last 5 year, but will be back soon and we're going to need a major renegotiation. I'm quite nervous about it, but I really want to stand my ground.

You've moved twice in a year? Fucking hell. The fact that you didn't misplace your kids during the course of the year deserves a medal. I'm terrified of moving and the disruption to the fragile set up we've got working...

The wifework/tinkering is such a problem. I work mostly from home too and that is probably the main thing that stops the wheels coming off completely. I can't do much during the day, but getting the laundry in the washing machine/loading the breakfast things into the dishwasher/putting some clothes away all helps keep evening chaos at bay.

My dh has worked away during the week for the last 5 years (god, I can't believe how long it's gone on for!). It's a nightmare in many ways, but at least means that I'm not resentful during the week that he isn't pulling his weight. He's chaging jobs soon and will be back here. I predict a riot. WHY SHOULD IT ALL BY MY RESPONSIBILITY?

Ooh I feel your pain. I largely work from home which helps enormously. I can sort socks on a conference call!

I too want a housekeeper. DH is useless at the wifework of life and prior to me lived in a horrid pit. I blame his mother who worked full time in her own business, raised 3 children and did all the housework. I haven't a fraction of her energy.

I really sympathise, Curry. I got very very stressed out towards the end of last year and considered a similar move.

I ended up discussing with my manager and working out a way to delegate some of my job so that my hours were reasonably under control. I also worked on my time management (hence the daytime mn-ing! ha!) and that helped reduce stress.

I do constantly feel like I'm letting the kids down though. Huge backlog of clothes to be sorted, not enough time to sort their social lives properly etc etc.

A housekeeper would be fantastic - that's exactly what I need. Ho-hum.