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Original poster

Is there a time and place to NOT speak up about misogyny and abuse? eg facebook and the like

82 replies

alltoomuchrightnow · 02/09/2013 18:50

To try and summarise.. i left my alcoholic and also extremely misogynistic and abusive fiance this summer. I fled everything and am in the horrible position of being back at my parents, in a complete mess, traumatised and with a life to rebuild.
I have tried to keep my head down and just get on with things, but ex's abuse and harrassment still reaches me. I'm waiting to see my DV advisor and will probably have to get an order against him as he's stopping me from moving on.
Ex is continuously spreading vicious lies and rumours about me, inc on public forums such as facebook and a podcast he does. So far i've tried to keep dignity and ignore it all, though it's hard. But it all came to a head last week.
I know Facebook isnt the place for it,but it's all i'm on , apart from Mumsnet. Even then, i did not lower to his depths..and did not mudsling at all . I put (on my status) that i was sick of the lies and having to justify and explain myself all the time.. and felt i was being punishing merely for having left abuse. I did not name him personally, just referred to as my ex. And warned others against him..with good reason..he was harrassing my friends and family right then. That is all i put.
I should explain that when he puts vicious rants about me, there's very few that stick up for me. Most people just ignore..i guess by now, they know what/ who he is. (i have blocked him by the way, but people keep telling me what he's put) Sadly, some people actually support him..enablers..and send him money to live on, as his now slashed benefits all go on booze. He is very charming and charismatic so is very good at pretending to people he's in the right all the time and will make up lies as to why i left..eg i had affairs or whatever...he will tell people i'm mentally ill and lie about abuse (when he himself is mentally ill, and I am not, though i have bad anxiety and depression over all this)
When i put my statuses saying i thought the lies were unfair.and to warn people.. my inbox was flooded. Strangely enough..it was male friends offering sympathy and support. It was some women... who were the opposite. Telling me to take down my statuses as i was doing myself no favours . That i was laying myself too bare and vulnerable (but unlike my ex, id given no specifics about anything)
They said i'd be laying myself open to more attack from him.
I took down all my statuses.
But he's still kicking off at me and spreading muck
I'm angry i should be told to keep quiet and not speak out. Why should i try and protect him ? Pretend it never happened?
I realise FB is not the place..but i wasnt mudslinging, merely warning others that he was harrassing my friends and it could be them next..and not to believe any lies.
So..should i have removed them ? After all, others make a stand for things on FB be it something they're promoting, or something they believe in.
Why shouldn't i promote anti misogny, if i wanted? And be empowered that i left him?
why is it women telling me to keep quiet as it's airing dirty laundry (and i emphasise again..unlike him, i gave NO details)
HOw is me talking about him , letting him win? (that was their accusation) He's stripped me bare, there is nothing more he can take from me.
Why should i pretend DV doesnt happen, so people can go on ignoring it and burying their heads?
I'm not trying to be a victim..I'm a survivor. I'm happy I left. Why are other women warning me to keep quiet?
I would really appreciate views here but please go easy on me! i'm still reeling from what he's put me through and the damage he's still causing.

OP posts:
Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 04/09/2013 20:11

i wish i could Herrena but no. and im housesitting for a month soon. after that i need to really push for getting out of here

OP posts:
Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 04/09/2013 20:11

police didnt come . if they dont come tomorrow i dont know what i'll do. im away on friday for weekend as i need to get away to friends for weekend away from all this madness

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MotherOfDragon · 04/09/2013 19:38

Your best friend is NOT a good friend to you. Lose her. You don't need crap like that.

MotherOfDragon · 04/09/2013 19:36

My Abusive XH did exactly this. I kept my head down and said absolutely nothing. Dd not even refer to it. It went on for over a year. The last time we were in court re the DDs I gave screen shots to the judge. He said it was an offence and wrote a court order banning him from doing it again.

HerrenaHarridan · 04/09/2013 19:33

He's a sheep and an idiot.

I can't Bellevue the police still have come.

Is there any way you can raise a deposit and got private rent and just get the duck away?

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 04/09/2013 18:10

The boyfriend-who-almost-was (ie the one my ex scared off); by now believing my ex's lies and doubting me..is he an enabler? abusive himself? or just, very weak?

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 04/09/2013 17:33

Octopus, if he has info on people..very private personal or would be harmful stuff. Doing it to me..it's now starting to wash over my head. People can believe what they want. But others..it really affects. I've lost friends from this. People who are very very private and can't handle his threats of undoing them publicly. My ex will mudsling publicly. Ive been dumped because of this, last week. It all kicked off again today (and yes..still waiting for police) the man who dumped me over this hated my ex for what he'd done to him (very personal stuff exposed on Facebook to several hundred mutual friends) However..this man is now believing my ex as to lies about me and wondering if my ex was justified at all.. it's totally hideous and making me ill. I realise ive had a lucky escape from this new guy if he can actually believe the person that hurt him so badly (ie my ex) but it really hurts and i'm just so bloody angry. Ex is a sociopath. There are many close to me, who do listen to his lies and start to doubt me, or merely excuse my ex as 'he's a very sick man'. I'm worn out always trying to defend myself or his behaviour..i want it tattooed on my forehead 'i am not with him ' !! Going to Al Anon helps as i know he is powerless to alcohol and therefore so am i..so i know i couldnt have done anything different when with him. But he's still 'attacking'me, or attacking others to hurt me.

OP posts:
OctopusPete8 · 04/09/2013 15:52

What is he threatening to expose, I'm interested as to this power! he has over all of you.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 04/09/2013 12:16

so at the moment..completely reliable on my parents..and they know it

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 04/09/2013 12:15

the police didn't come, i rang 101 again, they were too busy :-( so it could be today..or tomorrow..sigh.. i can't wait in for two more days.. i don't know what to do. Getyoursocksoff, I lost my job in February when i left my ex the first time . That was in the town where he lives, i couldn't afford to stay there. I was in limbo period for a while after returning to him in April but still spending time here at my parents. I've not been well enough to work nor had a fixed address.I'm back at my parents now but not for long term. I don't think i could cope with paid work as my insomnia's far worse. I go many nights without sleeping a second, anxiety and panic attacks are worse at night. I usually work in retail management so i couldn't cope with being on my feet all day with no sleep. I'm going to look into voluntary work until i get a new address and hopefully then sleeping patterns will come back. I don't have any income or savings now.. i'm on ESA

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OctopusPete8 · 04/09/2013 11:21

silence enables abuse, while graphic details is crass and innapropriate on the web and believe me ppl will be rolling their eyes and see what a nutter he is.

Its okay to stand up for yourself.

slug · 04/09/2013 11:16

I don't Facebook for this very reason (stalkerish ex) I'd be tempted to add a status "Consulting a solicitor about libel" or "Beginning injunction proceedings" or "Talking to the Police about harassment". For fun you could rotate them.

It's a bit flippant I know, but why on earth should you be ashamed of escaping violence and abuse? You are standing up to him by refusing to take the crap any more.

OctopusPete8 · 04/09/2013 10:58

Hmm, what is he threatening to expose? things you've told him that they thought were confidential?

you should have dealt with this before but can't change time, and you are a victim too.

I would ring the police first thing tommorrow or better go down? and report all of it.

You're friends shouldn't blame you, he is abusive but maybe if my above is accurate a coimbination of running your mouth and this tirade of threats has pushed them over the edge.

Your parents sound vile, no wonder you end up in a bad rel, tbh keep strong and break the cycle, I would if you can look at another place to live could you bring it up with your DV worker?

GetYourSocksOff · 04/09/2013 10:38

Right my lovely, how are you getting on?

Have you spoken to the police?

Do you have your own income? Can you start looking for somewhere to live away from your parents?

'Friends' who do not support you through this are not friends. Ignore them and begin by taking steps to take care of yourself. You need an injunction (call the police again if you haven't heard) and you need somewhere to live without negativity.

Keep posting and be strong x

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 03/09/2013 20:34

all the other addresses are far from here.. but i can give numbers

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 03/09/2013 20:34

it's gone 830 ive been in all day and missed my weekly counselling session. no sign of police no call and they said 8 at latest..i've waited since 130. this is why so many people don't pursue things

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WafflyVersatile · 03/09/2013 20:29

Can you call the police again. When they come I would give them your friend's (and others) addresses so they can visit them to get statements of threats he's made to them. Then they can't say you are doing nothing.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 03/09/2013 20:15

My mum and I are both ill.. i should say. she's very sheltered and can't handle anything..not that she deserves this. but i went backto him before, to protect them and because of lack of support

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 03/09/2013 20:14

hmmm FB is both a blessing and a curse. Herrena, i'm holding out for them going away soon for a month. I will really make the most of that month for peace and doing what i want, I will use it to my advantage (and i need to be here to look after the pets anyway). After that.. i need to get out. My mum is ill with stress from all this and my dad is a bully. It's that simple.

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HerrenaHarridan · 03/09/2013 20:04

Hi it's all too much.

I remember you posts from when you first split and in sorry to hear that you fears were so thoroughly justified Sad

You need to ditch this friend, she is not the sort of person you need in your life.

In response to your op I would say rarely but yes.
This Facebook lie spreading is a modern day version of the smear campaign that follows then end of many relationships. I have found that the best way to deal with ex going around saying nasty things about you is to refuse to engage or defend yourself. Your true friends can see from his smear campaign and your dignified silence who the arse is.

That's not to say it's actually wrong for you to speak out, it isn't and if it helps do it but beat in mind
A) it just feeds his fire by getting a response from you
B) it feeds the gossip mill
C) it gives people the option to really thrash out your private life and take sides

Can you get out if your parents house, their attitude is distinctly unhelpful?

BasilBabyEater · 03/09/2013 19:55

I think you should tell your "best friend" that she needs to go to the police if he is making threats to her.

If she's not willing to do that, why the hell does she think she has the right to pressurise you?

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 03/09/2013 18:44

i'm actually really torn and confused. as half the people i know think i'm too harsh (as they dont know the truth)and he's ill and should be excused/pitied..the other half think i'm not harsh enough and shouldve stuck the boot up his arse six months ago and i have to constantly justify why i haven't , and apologise for it

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 03/09/2013 18:40

no one saw what went on behind closed doors. he was a functioning alcoholic. not now..he's starting to unravel in public

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 03/09/2013 18:39

she didn't understand why i didnt go the police in the past, but i had my reasons and not the strength. i dont blame her.. but there's many others i keep having to justify to.. as he does the poor poor me act.. they just see what they want to see. He works in music so many just accept alcoholism. but no one else is abusive and vicious like he is! and people rely on him for contacts.. so im often seen as the baddy for not accepting his drinking. i accepted the drinking..hes not actually heavy.. i can't accept being told everyday that he wants me to die, or he's going to arrange someone to rape me.. or his threats, stalking, bullying, not letting me sleep..

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WilsonFrickett · 03/09/2013 18:14

What I'm trying to say there ^^ is that perhaps your ex is the one behind your friend's behaviour - it's down to him - and maybe when the dust settles you and friend can sort things out?