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Original poster

Sharing a name with my son

31 replies

gertrudestein · 01/09/2013 19:08

My partner and I have been together for 11 yrs and have an 8 wk old ds. Dp and I are both feminists, and we're not married - for loads of reasons, including having some problems with the institution of marriage and its history of ownership/ property etc. At one point we considered it, and inasmuch as I ever thought about it, I knew I would never change my name even if we did get married - I use it professionally, I like it, and I don't want to become mrs someone else.

When I was pregnant I decided I wanted our son to have DP's surname, with my surname as a middle name. Again, lots of reasons including the fact that I think my dp is amazing a d wanted our child to share his name. Dp was surprised as he assumed our kids would take my name, but he was happy to go with it.

The only thing is ... Now I feel quite sad that I don't have the same surname as my son. It just feels odd. I'm considering changing my name by deed poll - but is this mad? Is it just hormones? I can't help feeling like our unity as a family is somehow undermined. I'm confused by these irrational thoughts - can anyone help me think it through?

OP posts:
phoolani · 02/09/2013 21:36

How about asking dp if he'd like to change his name to yours? And change the baby's at the same time obvs.

motherinferior · 02/09/2013 19:08

Give him yours too.

Fond though I am of my partner, I really don't see why my children should have his father's surname alone.

Original poster
gertrudestein · 02/09/2013 19:06

Thank you both. I agree that your father's name is not really yours anymore than your partner's name is (and you only choose one of those people!) .. I've never judged other people for changing their name (or getting married) its just not for us. ...

I think I always used to think of dp and I as two individuals who had chosen to live our lives with each other. but I had no idea how connected I would feel to my son. I think pregnancy and motherhood have really challenged my idea of myself - not necessarily negatively, it's just that I'm beginning to realise how much of my approach to life was based on the idea that I'm an independent, self determining individual. And I don't feel like that anymore.

OP posts:
nocarsgo · 02/09/2013 18:58

I did the same as you: kept my surname and gave DD my surname as a middle name (I dislike double barrelling, personally).

But it actually doesn't bother me that she has a different surname to me. Not yet anyway, but she's not quite 2. I may feel different when she starts school and teachers will assume she and I have the same surname. It'll piss me off, having to change my name after all, because people have given me a hard time and I really dislike my FIL.

Sorry, not much help there!

Lio · 02/09/2013 16:20

Just so you know you're not going mad: my children are now 9 and 7 and I still wish I'd thought a bit harder about whose surname to give them. dd sometimes says she wants the same surname as me and I wonder if she'll change it when she's old enough to make that decision. dh is also very nice, by the way Smile

Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2013 00:37

gertrudestein could you all share a double-barrelled name for family stuff and keep your main name (your name) for work?

My own feeling about names was that my 'maiden' name was not in any way a family line name, it was my dad and mum's name but not my mum's 'maiden' name and it was not my dad's mum's 'maiden' name! So it might be thought of that by keeping my own name or taking my husbands name just part of someone's male line.

Also, if I am honest my name was a horrible one and my hubby's family name was nicer so I was happy to take it! I know some won't want to do that which is fine, of course.

I do think having the same name as my daughter is a help, especially at school and for holidays etc.

If I were you I would not want to lose the name you love but I would talk to DP and see what you can come up with that works for you all.

All the best and congratulations on your lovely new arrival.