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Original poster

AIBU? And I could do with some support

69 replies

kickassangel · 24/08/2013 22:01

So, I grew up in a family where my father was not to be upset. What he wanted went. Apparently this was because he worked, so we all had to be sympathetic and he never had to do the dishes, or vacuum etc.

I hated it, he gets very upset very easily, is pretty OCD about routine and people not touching his things etc. I think of my childhood as unhappy and me being controlled a lot.

Now I have been staying with my sister and family. Today we were getting ready for a big party tomorrow for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. My sister, 2 nieces and dd and I have worked flat out all day. Her dh is in the garage doing work on a car. This is his hobby on one of his many classic cars, not an essential repair.

All day we have provided cups of tea and meals. Then my younger niece came in and said she's told her dad she was busy right now (she was) and if he wanted tea immediately he could make it himself. My sister sighed and said that she wished her daughter wouldn't upset him like that.

This is just my childhood all over again, isn't it? The father being the great I AM and no one else is allowed to upset him or contradict him. When not working he does what he wants, and everyone else does all the typical female servitude..

If I dared express such opinions I would be told that I am awkward. AIBU to think like this. In my head I'm not, but everyone around me would tell me otherwise.

OP posts:
ILoveSpaniels · 25/08/2013 20:57

(Just to speak up for manual workers after Sparkly's post) My dad was a mechanic - retired now. He and mum raised five girls and one boy and never once has my brother been treated differently. If anything, Dad was maybe more loving towards me and my sisters, but really, no...there was no difference. He can barely read or write, left school at 14 and worked 14 hour days, seven days a week to provide for us, working in a freezing garage . Yet he still found time to sit and watch tv with us, play games and take us out.

My mum is MUCH more accomplished and just as great as dad!!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that men who aren't educated can be pretty amazing fathers.

Kick, I think all you can do is stay true to YOUR beliefs, and live them when in your family's company. Talk about them too. Maybe then at least you will give your nieces food for thought. You are probably a real role model to them!!!

Original poster
kickassangel · 25/08/2013 08:30

Thanks people. I usually try to let it all wash over me, but a week of staying with family is getting to me. I really was starting to think that IABU and should accept their version of the relationships, and start feeling guilty about how ungrateful and stubborn I am.

I try very hard to ignore ignore ignore, but staying with them makes it hard to do.

Dsis just brought me in tea. She asked last night what time I would like to be woken up. I told her that I have an alarm set and will get myself up, but she can't help herself, has to make sure I am getting up. This is not , IMO, how respectful adults treat each other. I know it's only a small thing, but it just goes on like this. (Btw, it's over an hour and a half before I need to be ready to leave the house, I haven't been lying in bed until the very last hour).

OP posts:
garlicagain · 25/08/2013 01:52

Yanbu, as I hope you now realise. It's very usual for relationships to repeat down the generations; you are the exception for having resisted the 'programming' and understanding there are other & better ways. Give yourself a frequent hi-five for that - and, if possible, boost your niece's sense of her own special value, too.

As far as dealing with them all goes, I recommend Zen-like calm! It's quite possible to be compassionate and see the bigger picture, without trying either to 'convert' others or indulge/enable them. The key is managing your own expectations, and in close relationships this can be painful at first. There is help on Stately Homes if you need or want to work at it :)

Darkesteyes · 25/08/2013 01:37

kickass yr niece has a wonderful aunt
My niece is currently living with my parents so often has to listen to my mothers slut shaming and mysogyny.

Sparklysilversequins · 25/08/2013 01:20

I despise this. My ex FIL is one of the stupidest, ignorant men who ever got up on two legs. His wife is far cleverer than him, she's an accountant, he does manual work, yet she waits on him hand and foot and what he says goes. She quotes him on every subject and hangs onto his every word. Someone said up thread this kind of thing makes her nauseous. I know that feeling, kind of a sick anger.

Worst of all they raised their son to be the same. MY ex H.

Crumbledwalnuts · 25/08/2013 01:16

Btw I'm glad your niece will get to spend time with you.

BitBewildered · 25/08/2013 01:15

Your DN will benefit hugely from having someone who acknowledges her (correct IMO) feelings about her parent's behaviour. It would have helped me when I was a teenager.

Crumbledwalnuts · 25/08/2013 01:15

You're so right. Stupid, neanderthal attitude.

Original poster
kickassangel · 25/08/2013 01:03

And tomorrow I am meant to be giving a toast and thanking them for being my parents!

Dsis keeps telling me how much dniece is like me. I intend to take her under my wing when she's a bit older.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 25/08/2013 00:40

kickass YES i was angry and confused about it as a teen It wasnt until i was much older that i understood it for what it was ....mysogyny.

Darkesteyes · 25/08/2013 00:36

OP I feel yr pain. Males come first in my family too. Not allowed to discuss planning for funerals with 37 yr old DB because he finds it too upsetting.
So last year when parents were buying their plots (sorry for being morbid) he wasnt told anything about it.
DH says there will be hell to pay if he dares to blame me afterwards for doing or organising anything he doesnt like.

FreyaSnow · 24/08/2013 23:19

It is great that your DN is talking about coming to stay with you. The only positive thing I can see about the whole thing is that having been through the whole thing yourself, you are ideally suited to supporting your DN. Plus, as your relationship with your DH presumably isn't like that, she'll get to experience a different kind of family life.

There is some kind of relief in being able to give to someone else the thing that you never got in your own childhood or teenage years.

Original poster
kickassangel · 24/08/2013 23:11

Dn is 14 and gets sulky and upset, just like I did. She is planning to do her degree in the US and stay with me, which says a lot. (I just found this out today)

Def notice it more clearly now the when I was younger. As a teen I was angry and confused and hated my parents.

It is worse when I visit without dh, there is a whole load more respect on offer when my owner man is there to make me a real person.

OP posts:
FreyaSnow · 24/08/2013 22:57

Do you think it is worse when you're with them because you are usually in the normal world and you are then sucked into their stressful reality?

Presumably your DN at least is seeing what is going on and will eventually escape.

Original poster
kickassangel · 24/08/2013 22:42

Thank you. I was actually wondering if I was BU! Honestly, I need to get out of here.

I love coming back to the UK for a bit of nostalgia, but wish I didn't need to stay with family.

2 more days then I can put some distance between us again.

OP posts:
BitBewildered · 24/08/2013 22:34

No. YADNBU.Sad

Original poster
kickassangel · 24/08/2013 22:30

My sister is completely of the idea that this is how family life is.
Me not getting on with my dad is because I am argumentative and awkward. Her dd not getting on with her dad is for the same reasons.

She kind of sees how much I am still treated like an irresponsible teen by my parents, but does the same thing herself. Staying with her is better than staying with my parents, but then I see the pattern repeating itself in her kids.

At new year I was staying with my parents. I went to bed at 10 and cried cos I was so miserable.

OP posts:
FreyaSnow · 24/08/2013 22:11

YANBU. Situations like the ones you are describing make me feel nauseous. I find it stressful to even read it, so I'm not surprised that it invokes strong emotions in you having to actually deal with it.

Has your sister talked about it at all?

kotinka · 24/08/2013 22:08

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