Not putting the man in your life at the centre of your life

What kind of examples are you talking about?

I don't believe that. Sorry, but as a woman and a feminist, I sometimes say or do something that is sexist against women. I have to catch myself, examine my belief system and be more aware the next time.

I simply don't believe there is a man alive who hasn't inadvertently said or done something sexist. Doesn't make them a bad person, just unaware.

I dont blame them. I was originally commenting to the above comments that there are only 3 options. be single, compromise/hope to educate him or be a supporting woman. They are far from the only options.

You are incredibly lucky, but I wouldn't imagine many women are in the same position.

Good for you, petey. I do too. Lots of women don't, or more to the point can't

Do you blame them for that ? It sounds like it.

I cant say dh has ever said or done anything thats sexist in the slightest. I cant say my dad has either, and I would call anyone out on anything I believed to be sexist.

You're right in that's the way it should be petey

We should all have high self esteem and never settle for second best.

But that's not reality for most women.

And that's kind the whole point of the article and this thread.

This isn't the space to educate you about the reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Certainly making sweeping statements like you have done is more likely to put someone off seeking help as they fear they would be judged for putting up with it.

Sorry, that should of course have been Petey.

Petty, you don't get it, do you ?

It's not just about the bad and abusive relationships. The most wonderfully supportive partner can still be a sexist twunt without meaning to be. Because very few of us recognise or call out all the everyday low levels of sexism, either because we don't see it ourselves or we get fed us being called humourless harpies.

Why do you say that? I have had friends in those types of relationships before. One was hit by her boyfriend her parents said I know she can be hard work but you cant hit her and that was all they said to him Through talking to her and making her realise she didnt have to put up with such poor treatment she left him and said she never would of done that before as just thought she had to change.

Petey, comments like yours are one reason why many women from all sorts of backgrounds hide the fact they are in abusive relationships

Not choosing a bad partner but the higher your self esteem you wouldnt put up with any bad behaviour from the start or as soon as you are aware of it. There are plenty of men who do their fair share, support all a womans decisions be in the home or in their career and are there for them throughout everything.

You cant always help who you get with but you can only get treated how you allow yourself to be.

Petey, you are dangerously close to blaming women for "choosing" a bad partner

Did you realise that ?

I must say, I made my ex-girlfriend the centre of my life, and tried to change myself far more for her, than I feel I've ever had to do for my husband. My husband is a top bloke that fully supports my career decisions etc, and literally wiped up my blood after I miscarried our baby. My ex-gf, as lovely as she was, was too insecure to fully support me when she perceived me as being more successful than her. So it's hard to judge if this is a feminist issue or a confidence issue, in my experience.

I think if a person has high self esteem and standards then it attracts a higher calibre of partner.

Ive discovered a few male feminists on Twitter. But physically in RL ....nowhere to be seen.

There are lots out there

Lucky you.

I don't.

I suppose it depends on who you will settle for. I have never changed for a man and never will. I know lots of men that arent sexist though.

Yeah well that's the idea petey but for a lot of people if they didn't change themselves and compromise, just waited for a decent man, then they may never have a relationship, get married or have children. That may not be the end of the world to everyone, but when you've been socialised to believe that a husband and kids is everything, it's hard to go against the grain and stay completely true to yourself.

I would say this was obvious surely? You arent supposed to change for a man, and decent men like you just as you are.

The idea that it's worth putting up with all kinds of niggles or compromise or even abuse just so that you are not single is second nature to a lot of women, myself included.

I'm trying to change.

But it's scary.

I'm recently separated and realising that I don't know a single man, including friends, family and acquaintances who hasn't done something to demonstrate sexism, whether consciously or subconsciously. Not always in a deliberate way but a throwaway comment that hints at the fact that they haven't questioned our sexist/gendered culture.

Maybe real feminist men exist, but I am yet to meet one.

So I have 3 choices:

1. Remain single.

1. Get a decent guy and 'educate' him/compromise and hope he gets it.

1. Get a guy and put up with anything (i.e. be his supporting woman)

It is only now I am a bit older, wiser, financially ok and have a child that I can contemplate number 1.

I appreciate some women are stronger and if I ever have a dd I hope to raise her to be the 'leading man' in her own life from the beginning.

As an aside, this bit interested me:
They learn to be ?forgettable supporting characters? to their male lead: ?Men grow up expecting to be the hero of their own story. Women grow up expecting to be the supporting actress in somebody else?s,?

I recently went to see The Heat, about 2 female law enforcement officers who have to work together (Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy). It was hilarious, really enjoyed it, so did DH. But the reviews? Pretty poor. And I came away with the feeling that the reason many of the reviews were poor was because there WAS no male lead. That the women were the lead characters, in a habitually male setting - and that the reviewers somehow couldn't accommodate this in their world view so gave it poor reviews. (Of course they might have just not liked it, but I prefer my version)