My husband is acting like I am making a fuss about nothing over the way he talks to women.

I remember you mentioning before that you find social interactions difficult .

I was amazed because your online self is so full of wisdom & insight.You always seem to know just what to say.

Has anyone other than him ever told you you're very socially awkward ?
Is there a bit of undermining going on here?

Hec I'm not so sure it's just that you have him on a pedestal, I think he has himself on a pedestal too.

Anyone who uses that kind of phrasing does so because they feel themselves superior to the person they are speaking to. I think the language/culture thing is a red herring. He is perfectly capable of conducting himself in English, yes? He uses English as his day to day language. The one he uses at home with his wife and children, and at work, and has done for how many years?

I don't think you should doubt yourself in any way on this one. I think you've got it spot on. In his mind he's placing himself as the dominant force and the women he is talking to as his inferiors. He's also trying to be the flirtatious older man. The one the "young girls" swoon over.

Unfortunately for him you are also bang on when you tell him he just sounds like a letchy old twat.

I honestly don't know what the solution is because I can't imagine how he could ever accept what you're saying without admitting to himself that he's being a knobber.

Aaaargh, you make me so angry! Ok, I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you in RL admittedly, but just by what I read on here you really aren't "crap". You understand people. You're insightful. You're kind without taking any bullshit. You have way more social skills that a hell of a lot of people I know. I can understand that you lack confidence in that area but I get the impression that he capitalises on that rather than reassuring you that actually, you aren't as rubbish as you think you are.

Don't you back down on this one!

If someone talked to me like that, I'd be very tempted to reply 'I'm fine old man, how are you doing?' Even if I just thought it rather than was brave enough to say it.

How do you think he would like to be called old man by them? In the sense that from what you have said he is older than them, not that he is actually an old man! But still, I think the comparison remains valid - particularly if you emphasize that the old man is not meant in a nice reverential respectful way in this context (just in case in his culture it is a nice reverential respectful thing to call someone!)

I would be very taken aback if someone said "Hello young girl" to me at work, and probably I'd be asking myself if I heard right. Then I'd hopefully say, "My name's Bear, please use my name." (I can't be sure that in reality I might not just chicken out and seethe silently and avoid him in future.)

One of the men at work (of which there are many more than women) did refer to "the girls" and I pointed out that we are women (and in my case, I'm old enough to be his mother.) Don't know if it really made much impression or if he understood why it annoyed me.

Most people, when tackled about a linguistic mix-up in their third language, would just say 'oh right, I only meant [x] or [y]' and understand that something had been lost in translation. And stop it.

I think you are being far too hard on yourself about your own social skills. What you describe is about 90% of all human interaction across the globe!

And Hec you have no problem interacting with people. With nothing but the written word, no tone of voice, no facial expressions, no non verbal signals at all, you are funny, kind, forth right and sensitive by turn on these boards.

I agree with AF.

If you've explained to him why it's bang out of order then he's choosing not to get it Hec.

From what you've said about your husband before, this is not atypical behaviour for him. It's surprising really.

if these women are clients, he is focussing on what he wants to call them - not what they want to hear.

if these women are business partners he comes over as very dated and not someone to be associated with.

as AF says, you have him on a pedestal. so does he. one of you needs to see him like the rest of the world.

to call me young lady...and actually be charming.... you have to be at least 90 and looking for someone to talk to at a bus stop. if he is less than 90 and not at a bus stop, he needs to cease this language.

His genuinely baffled and slightly amused reaction has pissed me right off

My DH uses this type of reaction. I suspect it is not genuinely baffled, he is deliberately using a slightly suggestive, slightly superior choice of words imv (as my DH does). Very sleazy imo, they are in denial.

Can you print it out and send it to HR anonymously??

He probably thinks he's doing it in a pleasant avuncular manner. But regardless of what he thinks, it will come across to the recipient as odd, patronising and demeaning.

He NEEDS to understand that; if his social interactions are so good, then it is something that he should be able to grasp without too much difficulty.

It really is patronising. And pretty offensive. He is not treating them appropriately as fellow professionals or business people.

Maybe he is confusing young girl/young lady/mrs.

If English is not his first language/native culture (as op has stated) perhaps he is confused in the usage/understanding/context. In French you have mademoiselle and madam. One means girl/young lady/young unmarried lady and the other, a married lady or a lady who is slightly too old to be called a girl. (iyswim).....could that have any bearing on things?

and also a sledgehammer

You should point out to him that you couldn't be jealous because these women more than likely find him completely repulsive for talking to them like that.

Even if I was 7 years old and a male was patting me on the head saying "hello young girl", I'd find it very weird.

There is no situation in the UK where that phrase is suitable, especially when dealing with adult females and especially in the course of business.

< hands hecsy a sledgehgammer >

I think you have this man on a pedestal, hecsy, my love

It's creepy because it's overfamiliar and belittling. If someone kept calling me that, I'd probably maintain a professional front and quietly look for someone else to work with. I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to help him with something. I assume your business relies on good relations with these people?

If English isn't his first language and he just doesn't get the nuance of it then he just needs to trust your opinion that it is inappropriate. Why is he dismissing you? That's another good question.

Imagine they replied with "Ah yes...hello there old man"!

Would he like being called old man do you think, or would he find it a little insulting?

Exactly.

Just ask him how he'd like to be addressed when doing business and then suggest he addresses all other people regardless of age and gender with an equal level of respect. If he doesn't want business colleagues skyping him with Hello old man - I know you're a slow old chap but have you had a chance to read X yet? then he shouldn't use similar tones with others.

Professional neutrality never hurt anyone. He knows that, so it surely won't be difficult for him to adopt it.

I wouldn't think of it as flirtatious - I would think of it as patronising, arrogant and unprofessional. If you're talking to him, I'd go with the unprofessional line - I think refering to 'young man/girl' is not appropriate in a business context - it's so clearly one-up-man-ship/reinfocing a position of seniority. The extra dimension with women/male-female social positioning adds to the sting, but actually they're both pretty unpleasant.

Haven't you had a million past problems with your husband?

Anyway, in this case it's a big UGH from me

Urgh what a hideous way of talking to people

Well done for trying to get through to him though

Please forgive me if I'm wrong or over stepping here, but doesn't your husband 'advise' you on social niceties because you feel you sometimes struggle with it? If so then surely he should accept your advice when the tables are turned

Patronising, creepy, unprofessional, and I'd be avoiding him as much as possible Hec.