Surnames

Maggie, I'm sure a man opting to change his name would get a lot of comments, more than a woman who kept or who changed.

Getting married provides legal protection to both sides that cohabiting does not would be one reason, arsenal.

Things change. Obey got dropped from the standard marriage service in the 1930s, I think, didn't stop marriage being marriage.

We double barrelled on marriage, so our children have the same. Vast majority of women I know drop their surname though (apart from two, actually)

It very much is a feminist issue for me, but I accept to being in the minority with this!

gibber I completely agree. As lots of people at the start of thus post pointed out there are 4/5 options for women (dare I say couples) to choose from. Noone should then make assumptions if the woman chooses to give up her surname. There wouldn't be the same comments that the man shouldn't give up his name if he chose to do so.

My choice may not be the same as the next persons but it will be exactly that - MY choice. And if others get it round I'm happy to correct them but I'll not lose sleep over it.

Btw I had planned to keep my surname, I was adamant about it... Right up until I was on honeymoon and someone called me Mrs oh and I thought, you know what, I'm happy with that too. And it does make it easier for the kids now too. But that's my opinion for my circumstances, I shouldn't be judged on that, nor would I judge anyone else for the decision they come to.

could all have a notional family name to connect us historically to our parents
Isn't that a surname is anyway.

My wife's connection to our DCs is she carried them for 9 months and my connection is they have my Surname.

Why get married if the reason not to change a surname is because it represents misogyny.

Totally agree, kickassangel.
You're right, there's no practical use at all. It would make genealogists pull out their hair, I suppose.
Perhaps we could all have a notional family name to connect us historically to our parents, but we needn't use it. Like a ghost name.
And then we choose a few good public names and use those officially.
(All possible anyway, as the law stands.)

Recently I've been wondering if we need surnames/family names at all. Why can't we just have 2 or 3 names we like?

After all, men no longer own women, so they don't need to label them any longer, last names aren't used all that often. There is some slight convenience to saying "we are the xxxx family" but beyond that, there is no practical function.

And living together, being a family together etc surely means more than any name a person could have?

Official forms could just be your full name, starting with the one at the beginning, so it would be easier to look up people as they would be listed by the name you actually use.

I still get birthday cards addressed to me using my husband's surname. Been married 20+ years. Some elderly rellies just never get it.

not worth worrying about. Smile and wave.

My own last name is a total PITA that hardly anyone can say or spell properly. I have a rubbish relationship with my parents and have no sentimental attachment to the name at all. I would be happy to lose it, but would never take DP's last name even though his is very cool and easy to say and spell!

Personally, I couldn't live with making that statement - one half of the couple ditching their last name and taking on the other person's sends a very strong message about whose name takes precendence.

Or Lotta
It says that my born surname was a bit different and I always had to say like the boys name (imagine it's Robert) to spell it as people assume it's a similar better known surname. Plus the years of being told I'm a boy, being teased for having a boys name etc as well means I was quite happy for my children not to have my name and to take my husbands more normal name which I never have to spell or be questioned about.

People who assume there is only one option are the ones who are wrong but just because someone chooses their husband's surname doesn't mean they consider it to be more important. They may have just chosen that option out of the four.

Exactly what DonDrapers said. If you take on your husband's surname and give up yours (and it is yours, no matter who else you may share it with), you are telling yourself and everyone else that his name is more important than yours. Maybe you're ok with that, but at least be honest about what it means and what message it sends.

I raised my son as a single parent (was single when I was pg and I was unmarried so DS had my name) but I'm married to a new partner now. I didn't change my name as it would have been complicated and unfair to change DS's name (he's a teenager now) and I didn't want to have a different surname to him. One thing to bear in mind is that whatever you choose for your child's surname now, it will almost certainly stay that way, as it's quite hard to change a child's surname even after divorce. So if you ended up splitting from your DH (however unlikely it seems now!), they'd always keep his name as part of a double-barrelled name if that's what you decide now. Lots of lone parents are surprised when they realise that they don't have the right to change their child's surname, and having different names to them can be complicated in situations like going abroad etc, plus it can be an unpleasant reminder if the ex was abusive. Personally I'm very glad that DS has the same surname as me, even though it was more out of circumstance than a conscious choice at the time.

Dp and i are not married. The madthings have a double barred surname. So my surname-dps surname. Its fine. My.mil didnt like it and for ages sent post to childs name dps surname, but as soon as the kids were okd enough they complained themselves and she soon stopped dropping my part of the surname.

Its not been an issue at schooletc. I had one gp make a comment about it and about how children should rake their fathers name! And i told him.no they have the name we chose to give them and i didnt want to blindly follow some archaic social tradition routed in patriachy and mysogony thanks very much.

I always thought I would have kept my surname but have ended up taking my DHs. It is just so so much easier. His Dad was not someone who we would want to 'honour' but neither was my Dad. DH didn't have any strong feelings and neither did I so we just ended up doing what was most conventional and 'normal' .

It makes your family easy to understand for everyone else if you have the same name.

We lived for a long while in Quebec where women keep their maiden name (whether they like it or not) and everyone survives just fine!

I am not a huge fan of double barralled names.

I don't think it's a biggie whatever you do though. It is just a name. I don't think it has to be a huge symbolic statement.

But you loved your previous surname, sonly.

I'm quite tradional so while I did love my maiden name I didn't mourn its passing I was quite proud to take my DH name I wouldn't expect a man to change his name for me and I wouldn't want a double barrel name.

Me and DH kept our own surnames (and yes, although my surname is the same as my Dad's, it is also my name - the only surname I have ever had). The dds have my surname with DH's surname as a 2nd middle name. The two surnames weren't double barrable (? sp)

Inlaws and various elderly rellies didn't like it/ couldn't get the hang of it/ wouldn't get the hang of it. But so what

We are not married - tho even if we were I wouldn't change my name - but I was happy for the children to have my partner's surname. Partly because I am already double barrelled and he has a long surname so to combine the 2 names would have been fairly monstrous. But also, and I know this is a bit odd, I felt somehow that I had the most incredible experience of growing and giving birth to our babies, and it seemed right somehow that my partner should give them his name as a consolation prize. Interestingly though my eldest who is a girl has started saying she wants my name instead... Glad to see her feminist education is paying off at the tender age of 6!

We've been married 16 years, and are Ms CMOT, Mr Hisname, and DS CMOT-Hisname. The animals are the same as ds.

People get it wrong - some as they don't know, some just can't get the hang of it (cos they is silly). But I only have to correct people every few months, and dh is just as likely to do so. We both have taken family members to task on the subject.

GP, school etc least likely to get it wrong ime.

my brother actually told me I had 'no right' to call myself ms. dadsname after marriage! and he was serious! it really pissed him off!

We have our respective surnames, and kids are double barrelled surname
Slight harrumph from some folk,wee hiccup with names on cards
Overall not problematic to have double barrelled surname for the kids

What's troubling you,minor social irritation on cards or the surname of baby?
What about you both maintain,respective names and double barrel baby
I don't understand your pov that family unit has same name,it's old fashioned

Re the double barrel name,when I habitually got cards for the kids addressed to dad surname I eventually sent them back marked not at this address. That soon got the message through and sharpened failing memory

I don't think you need to make any change to your surname, or his and just double barrel for baby

DonDrapers and Bue beat me to it. Well said, Don.

DonDrapers beat me to it.