Surnames

I'm in the same boat with Scone and eurochick. Keeping my name was a feminist statement - the only acceptable alternative was us both changing, either hyphenating or a new name.

DS is Firstname MyName-HisName. Five syllables.

FIL and I no longer speak over this. Not so much about the fact that he didn't like it (which we were expecting) but the awful poisonous vitriolic misogyny directed towards me that he spewed while expressing the fact that he had a problem.

I completely agree.

I am clear that I kept mine for a number of reasons (feminist but also because I'm an only and so is my dad so I am the last in the line, my SIL has the same first name so we would end up with identical names if I changed too). But it is absolutely a feminist statement. As was not wanting my dad to hand me to my husband on my wedding day.

Wood head, in the hospital babies are referred to by their mother's surnames - I'm not sure that this wasn't always the case it's just that mother took father's surname.

Ie the actual "default" is "child has mother's surname"

I don't know if that's right though.

I am very honest about the fact that the main reason I kept my name was to make a feminist statement. The societal expectation that a woman will change her name is a vestige of the common law doctrine of coverture, whereby a woman's legal existence was entirely subsumed in her husband's when she married. I fully support women making their own choices in this regard, but for me that particular fact makes the symbolism pretty powerful.

With various possible permutations of the options 1-4 given upthread; the only regrets I've heard are from women who kept their own name and picked option 1. The regrets seem to be most stated when the parents have later seperated and the mother has been the primary carer.

As the mother being primary carer post seperation is greatly more common than the father; I'd say 2-4 are the most sensible and logical choices.

When I look up a home phone number at school I always quickly check if the mother has the same surname as the child, it is all on our system. It's not difficult unless you want to make it difficult, just to make a point.

As people have said upthread, you didn't have any problem calling me that name before I got married, is there something confusing about...nothing changing at all?

'Certainly not worth giving up my own name for'

Absolutely. Think about what you're giving up, just because it's more 'convenient'. Your name you have been known by your whole life - a huge part of your identity. The last name everyone knows you by. A mate of mine took her husband's last name (and boy is she regretting that decision now) but said to me 'oh well I'll always be a HerLastName at heart'. Well why the jeff are you changing it then?!

And to those who say it's just a name, how would you feel if someone started to call you Ermintrude Ermintraut just because they felt like it? Would you be cool with it because hey, it's just a name, you would still be the same person?! Names matter.

I have my surname, DD has DP's surname. I wouldn't have changed my name even if we were married.

In terms of what surname to give DC, double-barrelling sounded absolutely awful, the names didn't blend in any way, and so as DP had slightly stronger views than me we went with his surname. It sounds better than my surname would with her first name anyway.

The way I look at it is that is is their name, their own individual name, with a surname chosen just as we chose their first and middle names. It just happens to be the same surname as one of her parents. I don't know if I've explained that properly! But it doesn't really matter to me that their name doesn't reflect my name in anyway, because it is their name.

FWIW, I've been referred to as Mrs DP/DCsurname a few times, and if it's not worth mentioning that isn't my name, I don't react. I don't really see what is to be gained from a public and pedantic argument with a doctors receptionist I am never going to see again who has innocently said "Can you just fill out this form, Mrs DCsurname?"

OP, I kept my name on marriage and we plan to do the same as you.

If people put the wrong names on cards, I gently remind them. It's no big deal. Certainly not worth giving up my own name for.

I'm an SLT and I work with young children. I would say very few of my families all have one name and it has never been an issue. I use parents' first names when talking to them anyway but I make sure I have the correct surnames for both parents on record. It's never caused the slightest issue.

Most people can cope with much more than a 'omg these people are married but have different names!' scenario

I can never work out how my family people managed to remember our names before we got married, but now have trouble with exactly the same number of pieces of information.

Surely teachers etc must be used to dealing with all sorts - including names from other countries which may be in the opposite order.

Good on that hotel Tolliver.

It must get very tiring for them to have to go through this with every teacher, or club leader their child comes across

No, it's never been an issue. But then nor has booking a hotel in one name and having credit cards in the other; the only time it's ever given any problem was with one hotel when we were on honeymoon, who had put everything in my name and couldn't cope with DH's signing the charge-something-to-your-room slips (but then another hotel on the same honeymoon had written their welcome pack letter in a "Mr and Mrs DHname" format and a Mr DHname and Ms Groat format and then just slipped the right one into the pack when we arrived and they knew which we preferred, I noticed using my outstanding reading-upside-down-skills).

DS has my name not his Dads and I have since married my lovely DH

I was always going to keep my own name but DH has a gorgeous last name so i nicked it for the 2nd half

ME - Mrs Booster - Seat
DH Mr Seat
DS Master Booster

And as my maiden name could be used as a 1st name if we ever have another DS I want to call him Master Booster Seat

Just for a laugh

I do agree it's easier to have one name for all than different personal and professional names for the reasons you suggest.

No, not tiring. And not that common either - surely enough parents are either unmarried or have different surnames if married that it's not really a thing?

Never had a problem having a different surname from my dc.
It isn't a problem unless people see it as an aberration. Most people can cope just fine. Perhaps they are particularly well organised? I think they are just normal though.

It must get very tiring for them to have to go through this with every teacher, or club leader their child comes across.

Nope. It's fine.

x-post with Tolliver - its normal for women (unless they actually want to take their DHs, as I did because I had an ugly name before) - it should become normal for men.

arsenal do you really think marriage is all about sharing a surname? Rather than legal protections, public commitment to each other and shared lives? Curious.

He understands for me to double barrel he would need to as well, but isn't sure about it. Partly because he is a journalist and his name is known.

What a lot of women do, if they have a name which is recognised in their profession (eg academics who want to remain cited under the same name) is to simply keep their existing name for professional purposes and then either take their DH's or double-barrel for everything else. I know quite a lot of Dr Oldname/Mrs Newname. Couldn't your DH do that?

You could both double-barrel and use the d-b name socially but keep your original names for work -- that wouldn't be at all unusual.

In your case if the two names work together I would definitely d-b the children's names; we would have done that but one of our names is a noun and the other an adjective so they sounded deeply silly in combination. What I wish had happened is that my own parents had double-barrelled their names when naming us as my mother's original surname would work really well in combination with DH's. But my mother says regretfully that when she married she didn't realise that keeping her own name or double-barrelling was even an option.

If your only connection to your DCs is that they have your surname then that's a bit sad.

That's precisely why I changed my name when I got married!!!

I tried keeping my own surname for a while, for professional reasons, but used Mrs DHname when we were out and about together. It led to so much confusion, and I would turn up for (say) a hotel booking made in one name, with credit cards in another etc etc.

Tried going double barrelled (just me, not DH), but it made my name too long, and was just a pain in the arse. In the end it was far easier to change my name to DH's.

And that was before we had children.

As someone who deals with children and their parents (both parents) in the guise of Brownie Guider, I find it very confusing when family members all have different surname, and am always being corrected by one parent or another. It must get very tiring for them to have to go through this with every teacher, or club leader their child comes across.

I'm glad I made the decision to change my name, so that all our family could have the same surname. It's not a big thing IMO, it's just a name.