Small things that make you angry and you feel you can't mention elsewhere

Peonies, I do that! I also refuse to let them take up my space on trains etc. I spread out as much as I can, and/or ask them to shift up. They get confused and then really hate it!

Vioso, less student debt as a nurse and comparable access to earnings/higher degrees in many cases?

I got annoyed with a friend posting on fb about how her husband didn't clean the kitchen right and it was because "men just don't see the mess". No - your husband pretends he doesn't see the mess because he knows that then you'll clean it anyway and he won't have to. Not ALL men.

I am angry at myself, because today I came out with, "That's because men never read the instructions." I would have (rightly) picked any of my male colleagues had they come out with, "That's because women never..." and then I'm doing it myself, and it's no more acceptable that way round. I did apologise.

(I did know the answer to their problem because I had read the instructions...)

Rare child-free moment over the weekend found myslef and DP walking up to the bar in a pub. I confidently got out my purse and said to the barman, "A pint of Guiness, please" then turned to DP and asked what he wanted to which replied half a Stella which I reiterated to the barman. Barman then places pint of Guiness in front of DP, half a Stella in a sort of wine glass thing (rather than a half pint glass) in front of me, and tells DP how much it all is.

I really don't get that. Because large numbers of family GPs are female. And unless they have health issues, those are the doctors children really see. DD's have once in their lives seen a male GP. Their RL models are pretty balanced.

So it must be popular culture. TV is generally pretty careful these days. It must presumably be the way people refer to doctors, and maybe books and stories?

My DD's want to be zoo keepers. Does that cheer you slightly?

Nursery graduation today. Part of it is that the children who graduate go up and say 'When I grow up I want to be a .....'. The 4 boys want to be a doctor, a doctor, a diver and a policeman. Of the 3 girls one wants to work where her mother works (customer support/sales role), one wants to be a nurse and one wants to be a princess. At least all present adults laughed loudest about the princess idea, perhaps because its highly unrealistic? Nurse and customer support role are of course completely valid choices, but i felt sad that none of the girls dared to want to be a doctor.

I was on the phone to an IT contractor in the US. I emailed him something which happened to show my current sig saying my holiday dates coming up. He said "And where are you going away to, young lady?" in a patronising jovial tone. I thought (but did not say) "how do you know I am young? I am actually middle aged and very senior". (my senior looking job title is also in the sig too). I did not. why not? I giggled and told him where I am going. AAAAAAAAAAARGH I hate myself.

I know in his mind all he was saying was "oh a holiday coming up, how nice, where are you going" BUT THAT ISN'T WHAT HE SAID, WHY ARE MEN ALLOWED TO TALK TO WOMEN LIKE THAT

Just got called a 'good girl' by a train conductor. I just sat there gawping until the lady opposite me asked if she'd just heard right and burst out laughing. At least it wasn't just me!

Coo, I would want to knock on his head!

I realised another territory/taking up space thing today:
one man who comes in our department at work (most of our department is a restricted area, we don't get lots of passing people), always makes a point of knocking on my work bench as he walks past. Sometimes he will speak, often he won't. This morning he did it while I had my head in my microscope, trying to concentrate. He shouldn't even be in my room, but it functions as a short-cut.

I have seen men doing this before. I have never, ever seen a woman pointlessly banging on someone's workspace to distract them for no reason.

I had my car MOT'd today. I was told that my tyres were OK but will need replacing in the winter so "ask dp to keep an eye on them for you." Surely I can look at tyres myself????

I'm coming up to 9 months pregnant and since I started showing the number of young men who stop me in the woods to talk when I'm with my dog has dramatically decreased. My fetus has given me almost complete immunity, it's like these men can't even see me anymore.

I was with a non-pregnant female friend the other day walking our dogs in Epping Forest and a male dog walker came over, butted into our conversation and started asking her about her dog and where else she walks, all while not-so-subtly eyeing up her boobs.

Although the same man had done the same thing to me a few times last year, me and my big baby belly were miraculously invisible on this occasion. It was as if my friend was standing there completely on her own in the forest. Even when he said that he hoped to bump into her again and goodbye he didn't even look at me once.

I'm glad I haven't had to deal with these kind of creeps over the past few months. That incident reminded me how they seem to think that as you're out of the house without a man or child (or obvious fetus in your belly) then you are fair game and just walking around waiting for them to come and slime onto you.

Elephants, do you tell the no-woman-panel organisations that this is unacceptable?

I don't think you owe them anything, but

• if you did, then they would know better, would that be good?
• but would there be any sort of comeback from sour grapes eejits arguing that you are being "discriminatory"?

(not sure what you do and what sort of legal or other constraints apply)

peonies, well done on your walking-along experiment

I am being a bit weird about all this at the moment because, well, full disclaimer, I am having a sort of bi-annual nervous breakdown (seriously I have to change my life), but I am engaged in a horrible battle with dp who I believe (but am probably paranoid) is obstructive and belittling whenever I ask him to do something, but is completely relaxed and natural about asking me to do things and do them his way. I hypothesise that:

I am oversensitive because I am exhausted and am only being asked to do things in the normal way and having my own wishes negotiated or questioned normally, but it feels unbearably exhausting because I am exhausted;

or

there is an imbalance, and it is an unconscious man-expecting-woman-to-fit-in-with-his-wishes thing

or

there is an imbalance and it is an unconscious older-sibling-conditioning thing

or

I am really controlling and cannot deal with normal give and take

or

any or all of the above

I just wish there was a big Tanya Byron in the sky for adults who could beam down her verdict on who is being a pathetic git and terribly unfair. but a feminist one

Here. I was quite impressed.

Amanda - no I didn't. That's excellent.

Bling - Did you see my post about Liverpool FC of all people recognising the offensiveness of those type of phrases. Along with racist and disabilist language, etc, things like 'played like a girl' are in their new guidance.

I went to a playground in a fairly posh bit of town today. It is the sort where there is a fenced area with the little kids equipment, so mostly 5 and under in there.

God, it was like gender conditioning and stereotyping 101. In an hour I heard:

• Don't hit her, little girls don't like it;
• Girl who panicked at the top of a climbing frame being told that yes it was a bit scary and would she like a lift down whilst same age male friend was being told it wasn't scary and he could do it because he was really strong;
• Pregnant woman with a girl saying that if the new baby was a boy they'd stop at 2, but if it wasn't then they would try again;
• Friend of pregnant woman claiming girls had high pitched screams compared to boys but boys were more physical (all the children were under 2- I heard their ages mentioned);
• In the context of DD2's fierce independence, woman saying her two were the same but she thought it was a girl thing (older one a boy). Er, no, it's a second-child-with-someone-to-copy thing, and personality;

It made me want to whack my head repeatedly against the railings.

I have been doing some interesting experiments the last few days which have been making me grind my teeth a bit. When I walk to the station, there is a long straight stretch of road, which is quite busy. Recently, I have been heading to the station as others are heading home so I've been going against the flow a bit, although there are usually a fair number of others heading in the same direction as me. I noticed that when I have to pass women on the pavement, it is roughly 50/50 who moves over for the other one. However, with the men, it was always me.

So I decided to stop moving over for the men to see what happened. Very often they will keep coming at me until we are almost touching, before moving over. Several men have also huffed at me when going past. I have been very careful to not make eye contact or act in a way that demonstrates that I am doing it on purpose, and I think all the huffing and not moving over is completely subconscious on the part of the men who have been doing it.

I know it is a small thing really, but I wonder how much quicker and easier men's journeys on foot are if women always move aside for them? It is a good example of subconscious privilege. It is also really hard for me to fight the urge to just move over when a bloke is striding towards me and expecting me to do so!

Elephant, I know I love you a bit. That's bloody brilliant.

I had never even thought about the men talking to me when out and about. It's so true. They always talk to women, and if we don't want to chat, we're rude and unfriendly. Arrgh, I hate it when these kind of things have passed me by.

Although having said that, noticing all these little things is making popular culture hard for me. I saw the trailer for some new super hero movie and it starts with a girl (teenager) beating up a boy and she says, "Oh stop crying like a little girl" and then "take out your tampon." So even the kick ass girl is using language to suggest that girls are weak and pathetic.

that makes me want to weep.

I think I love you a bit.

I have to deal with a lot of invitations for my work. It's amazing how many organisations still think it's ok to put up an all male panel. I must say, I grit my teeth about those with one woman, but the all men ones go straight in the bin. My logic is that if the organisers are so clueless as not to notice an obvious flaw like that, what's the value of the event going to be?

Well, I have a new one. And it's double-layered.

I was chatting to a mate who is a great feminist about a mutual friend, in the context of difficulties around childcare/gender roles. I mentioned that I got the impression this woman's husband was honestly not very nice. My mate immediately said no, he was in many ways a lovely person.

But ...

Wel yes, it was true (as I'd said) that he did about 10% of the childcare because she could do the other 90%, since she was 'only' studying full-time.

smallclanger - yeah, I know what you mean. I think it's because men's bits in public are just kind of rude, whereas women's bits are sexualized. So it's seen (by some) as no more rude to piss in public than to push in in a queue.

crumbledwalnuts you are so right

I work with a lot of women and a few men and we are all used to that dynamic.
Every time men from companies with much fewer women come in for meetings, the dynamic pisses me off.

Yesterday 3 men came in for a meeting. One of them I have only met once and never dealt with directly - he had clearly forgotten me (I don't care I only say that to show we are not friends). I popped out of the room to gather things / people before the meeting started and he was in my notebook when I got back! He said "Is this yours? Can you spare me a few sheets of paper?" I said I would get him his own notebook, came back with one and he said "you're an angel".

Am I paranoid? can you imagine a man tearing sheets out of - even opening - another, external man's notebook? what about calling him "angel"?

I am nearly 42 and a director. If that makes any difference.

Also the man at the train station bludgeoning me to say "good morning" pisses me off but I suspect that is unreasonable (he does not literally bludgeon of course that would be taking it too far)