If your self esteem is a bit shit, how do you bring up your children to be different?

57 replies

weightofresponsibility · 23/05/2013 22:00

That's it really. I'm watching the documentary about the sex gangs and thinking that the victims may have been even more vulnerable due to low self esteem. I know in my early teens I was pathetically grateful for any male attention.

I have a DD and I need her to believe in herself and how much she's a valuable and precious person. Ditto my son of course although I guess men are less likely to fall victim to this sort of thing.

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 24/05/2013 09:19

OP, feeling flattered by attention from the opposite sex isn't a bad thing, pretty sure men do to. But I'm guessing you mean something a bit deeper than that.

Kim, thanks for the reminder about praising the action, always good advice!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 24/05/2013 09:16

Marking place, interesting thread.

kim147 · 24/05/2013 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 22:57

I have very few memories of my mum. But one that is strong is me asking, at about 13, 'am I pretty?' she looked me up and down and said 'I suppose so' and walked off. I felt hideous from then til I was 25. I tell my DD's they are beautiful, strong and clever all the time (they are). They seem pretty confident.

ArabellaBeaumaris · 23/05/2013 22:51

I think about this a lot too. I have low self esteem in similar ways to my mum & I don't want my two daughters to be the same.

Lots of letting them succeed, I think. Try not be overly critical & snappy & controlling. I find it hard to work out what to do as my parents were good, loving, responsive parents & my mum still transmitted the issue to me.

Original poster

weightofresponsibility · 23/05/2013 22:46

That's a good point. I try to encourage them both to be strong and brave and kind, rather than going on about how they are (so gorgeous though!).

It's odd because I have no brothers and my mother was very much the leader of the family in that she was the main breadwinner and ran the show, my dad did DIY and spent what little he earned in the pub. So I've grown up confident in my abilities as an individual, I am as good as any man in terms of my career etc, but personally I've defaulted to feeling flattered any time a man pays me any attention. I don't want that for my daughter.

OP posts:

AmandaPayneNeedsANap · 23/05/2013 22:08

How old are your children?

My daughters are pre-school, and one of the big things I try to do is avoid over-commenting on appearance. I have really noticed how easy it is to repeatedly comment on how cute they look in a particular top, or with their hair in bunches, or whatever it may be. And how (comparatively) rarely boys receive the same compliments. This sends a very early message to our daughters that these things (being cute, looking beautiful) are central elements of what people think is great about you.

I try really, really hard to regularly compliment them on being strong, or brave, or caring, or many other things. Sometimes I deliberately rephrase my compliments - not "what pretty new trainers" but "what fab new trainers, can you run really fast in those". Not because I can't say nice things about how they look, but to counterbalance the over-emphasis that comes out otherwise.

I hope that by emphasising all aspects of their character, I build their all round self esteem.

I'll let you know in 20 years if it worked at all!

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