If your self esteem is a bit shit, how do you bring up your children to be different?

It's difficult isn't it - I don't want my daughter thinking she has to wear makeup or fancy clothes to be beautiful but she watches me do my hair or put makeup on and she is bound to pick up that this is something 'good' to do. I'm also ultra aware about food and diet and never talk about my or other people's weight at all - my mum and dad are both very weight conscious and as a result always feel like I'll be a bit of a disappointment for not being the size I was pre-dc (although they are lovely and would never say anything negative to me).

weightofresponsibility I think, IME, that is a pretty standard way to be, especially for women, in the UK, or at least in the part of england that I'm from. Sure, there are assertive people around, but generally it is considered extremely important to be polite, and for children especially and to do what adults tell you, and of course girls are socialised generally to be pretty passive. So don't think it is just you, it's everywhere.

I had a plan to try some role playing with the DDs when they get bigger - my idea was that if they have had practice at saying No thank you and walking away, or just walking away, then they will find it easier IRL? I know that when blokes did weird stuff at me, right into my 20s, I would just pretend it wasn't happening as to do anything else would be rude and might draw attention to me.

Like I say this is all academic, they are small yet.

The other thing I think, and I know it is a difficult thing, and the reason why rape myths etc exist. But sometimes shit happens, and it just does. Wrong place wrong time through no fault of your own. Which is where I have a nothing will happen but if it does hopefully they wil feel they can tell someone even if it's not me.

It is horrible thinking about this stuff though.

Oh and also porn my intention is to tell them that it's not a representation of "real" sex, and that people should only do stuff because they want to and it makes them feel good. Again, how this plan will actually work out when I have a recalcitrant pre teen on my hands is anyone's guess

I got it, Nice. All good points. That book about the power of fear might be a good one for teens - if someone has made you uncomfortable by eg getting in your personal space, you owe them no politeness, they've already been rude.

Hmm

That wasn't entirely comprehensible

May try again tomorrow

Just read the OP and skimmed and will go back and read properly in a bit.

But the OP post was specific IRT the being vulnerable to sexual abuse thing.

When it comes to self confidence there is a whole host of stuff and stories on here and I would have some and frankly many teens are that way - hormones society spots you name it, it's a difficult time.

But to address the sexual vulnerability thing. I have thought about this a lot (I have 2 DDs) and as well as trying to instil confidence as discussed. I think:

• it is important to teach children especially girls (who are generally socialised to be passive) that it is OK to say no / to move away from someone / to not talk to someone if you don't want to talk to them. We drum in politeness at all times but that can of course be counter-productive
• so eg on a bus a man touches you on the thigh, you can just get up and walk away, that is not rude. If you are uncomfortable then that is fine to do what you want and not what you feel you should. In terms of being polite, that sort of thing
• sex educations respect etc you know the stuff
• that you will listen and love them no matter what
• that if they can't tell you something who they can talk to
• .... that stuff?

I have to admit my kids are young so a lot of this is academic, but I have thought about it.

Many many teens are vulnerable though just because they are young and eager and want acceptance and want to get out there and do stuff and, well, there's no guarantee, you know?

Complete carbon copy of them, particularly my mum. This terrifies me as it seems like I'm doomed to create kids who are as miserable as I am. (Bad pregnancy panic day!)

My parents never suggested I was anything less than wonderful and yet I have very low self esteem. I think I picked this up from them; they may have thought I was great but they had a very low opinion of themselves, and now I feel a c

I think its a bit more complicated than that. I think you learn relationship roles from both parents. Im a woman and I behave much more like my father did in a relationship but I can see aspects of my mother too.

Are they? I don't think there's widespread agreement that that is true. What evidence do you have for that?

it's my opinion why do I need to show evidence.
MOST self esteem issues are about feeling 'I'm not good enough....' Basically no confidence in their abilities.
Same goes in relationships 'I'm not good enough....'(lack of self esteem) feeling will make people tolerate shite from their partners.
Hence lack of confidence I'm their abilities or how they interact with the opposite sex.

Also I don't think men's role in children's lives is just to teach girls how to deal with the opposite sex. I think their role is far more wide-reaching than that, for both sexes.

I never said men's role is just to...I'm talkin in regard to self esteem.
How? You're not explaining how you think men do that differently from women.
In OP's case her DD's relationships in the future will be based on her early interactions with men in her life.
Just as if it was her DS, Her son's relationships will be based on how he interacted with his mother.

I worked on the principle that 'it takes a village to raise a child'. I made sure that the DC had influences from a variety of sources so they didn't only have input from just me.

That's slightly depressing, AltogetherAndrews.

We're always taught that if you give your kids a real solid grounding that you think they're great, they'll basically have high self-esteem, aren't we?

But that's clearly not always true.

"Most self esteem problems are generally linked to either Lack of confidence in your abilities or Lack of confidence in dealing with the opposite sex."

Are they? I don't think there's widespread agreement that that is true. What evidence do you have for that?

"Hence good male role models are important to young girls. They teach them how to deal with the opposite sex ie. teach subtle signs that differentiate guys with good and guys with bad intentions."

How? You're not explaining how you think men do that differently from women.

Also I don't think men's role in children's lives is just to teach girls how to deal with the opposite sex. I think their role is far more wide-reaching than that, for both sexes.

I think that how their peers respond to them plays a huge part in this- I had very low self esteem, but had no doubt that my parents thought I was wonderful. I thought that they had to, as they were my parents, but that they were obviously wrong, as I struggled to make friends, and was never fancied. In retrospect, neither of my parents are terribly sociable, and maybe I never learned how to make myself appealing as a result. I don't mean sexually, but socially, I was never, and am still not someone that people warm to immediately. So, I would say, teaching social skills, and installing positive attitudes is fairly important, otherwise all that confidence boosting will be undone the minute they start school!

Basil Most self esteem problems are generally linked to either Lack of confidence in your abilities or Lack of confidence in dealing with the opposite sex.
Sometimes its both but in most of the times, one of the above is the primary driver for lack of self esteem.

Hence good male role models are important to young girls. They teach them how to deal with the opposite sex ie. teach subtle signs that differentiate guys with good and guys with bad intentions.

I think Apileofballyhoo also has a very good point: one of the best ways for building children's self-esteem is to spend time with them and enjoy spending that time with them - they need to know they're enjoyable people to spend time with.

I need to get off Mumsnet and enjoy spending time with my DC's.

I am teaching dd that she can do anything and nothing is off limits by being a girl and to do things for herself.

My mother praised me a fair bit and both parents were affectionate and vocal with 'I love yous'. But father was quite impatient, shouty and critical and mother quite arrogant about her parenting skills being superior to his, further negating his self esteem. I am not trying to boast but all of my siblings and myself are attractive, intelligent, warm people. We all have terrible self esteem and have made poor life choices.

My mother thinks all you have to do is love your children... I say the majority of parents do love their children. You must show that love, over and over and over again. Your children must feel that they are important to you, more important than anything else (within reason). I think that time with them is the biggest way of showing this. Words are easy but actions will determine the outcome. I am more sure of my damaged father's love for me through his actions than my mother's - she still talks the talk but doesn't always walk the walk. Hard to trust - which brings me to my final point - your children must be able to trust you - so your words must match your actions. I was desperate for male approval - my mother modelled this and my father didn't give me much time or positive attention. I know I was loved, but it is so easy to neglect your children. Involve them and be involved with them. Listen to them. Know what is important to them. Have time for them. Approve of them. Be pleased with them. And work hard on your own issues.

This thread has been a kick in the arse for me. I have to do better and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Very interesting topic.

I have terrible self-esteem stemming from my mother being critical, controlling, and narcissistic throughout my childhood.

I am ttc at the moment and my biggest fear is that I make the same mistakes she did.

I'm going to be taking notes from this thread

I can only really remember my mum telling me she loved me once - when I was about 17
I don't doubt that she does love me - she's just not very good at saying it (although to giver her due, she does tell her grandchildren 'smile])

I tell mine that I love them several times a day - I'm pretty sure that goes some way in helping their self eseteem

Would you like to expand on how male role models can help ensure the children for whom they are role modelling can develop good self-esteem instead of just popping in to remind us all that we should be talking about men Arsenal?

This comment struck me: "
"I am realising that I need to model good self-worth to my DCs for them to take it on for themselves."

I think that's really true. We know it's true in other contexts - children learn from what we do not what we say and it seems reasonable to assume it's true in this context too.

It's worth bearing in mind that just because many women are brought up to have low self esteem (as are many men) that doesn't mean we're stuck with it - we can take steps to make sure our self-esteem rises. Counselling, reading, talking to our friends, working things out on MN and in RL are all incredibly helpful in ensuring that we can reject the narratives our upbringing left us with and give our children better ones.

Some people may disagree but good male role models are extremely important.

As a daughter of a mother with zero self esteem, I find myself being the opposite! I'm assertive, and almost too confident. My mother is excellent and it was her installing a sense of how great I am that made me like this, but also I made myself like this so that I could 'protect' her and make sure no one could hurt us.
As an adult its upsetting seeing her constantly bullied and belittled and hating every aspect of her appearance. It makes me angry/sad/frustrated and there's nothing I can do to help her.

So I think your children will be perfectly fine, but you should do something to raise your self esteem. (Working with the general public is good- makes you see how shit most people are and therefore how excellent you are in comparison!)

Marking my place, very interesting topic.