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Original poster

If you're uncomfortable with marriage but got married anyway, what made you decide to go for it?

58 replies

Lottapianos · 15/04/2013 16:15

DP and I have been together 8 years, living together for nearly 5. Lots of ups and downs but have come through it all and I would say we have a very supportive, loving relationship. No DCs and that's most likely the way it will stay.

I've always been staunchly anti-marriage but in the last year or so, I've been feeling that I would like to make our relationship 'official', or take it to 'the next level' or something Smile I'm not quite sure exactly what I'm looking for. I would not be a Mrs, I would not take his name, I would not wear an engagement ring (already wear a silver ring that he gave me as a gift) so nothing would really change outwardly but I find myself getting extremely excited about planning a wedding day (not a huge production at all, a quiet cheap-ish day but just a celebration of our relationship).

I support the Equal Love campaign who have launched a legal bid in the ECHR to extend civil partnerships to hetero couples, and if/when this judgement is passed (probably next year), I would absolutely jump at the chance to have a CP. So would DP, we have discussed this issue and he is up for either married, or CP, or stay as we are. So it's not the commitment issue at all, it's the 'married' part that bugs me.

I would love to hear other people's thoughts, whether you got married or decided not to, just to give me some extra food for thought Smile
TIA

OP posts:
MaterFacit · 16/04/2013 16:09

It was the quickest and easiest way to protect myself legally and financially.

It made a lot of the older generations of my family very very happy and brought everyone together in a joint celebration.

The public formalising and legitimising of an established relationship appealed to me.

notcitrus · 16/04/2013 15:28

It was the only way to stop my parents being my nearest relatives - my mother has repeatedly said she would refuse to permit my organs to be used by others. While I felt strongly about it, MrNC who had been with me a decade by then said if I did die, offering my organs would make him feel a bit better.
So we decided to head down to the reg office. It would also make things easier if we had children, and looked like same-sex marriage was about to be allowed - we got the registrar to say "marriage is between two people" rather than a man and woman, but leaving that statement out isn't legal. The half-hour wording debate was 30x longer than the ceremony!

StickEmUpPunk · 16/04/2013 15:20

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StickEmUpPunk · 16/04/2013 15:19

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AnyFucker · 15/04/2013 22:29

I got married to simplify my life (legally and financially) and that of any future children

HullMum · 15/04/2013 22:23

permanence maybe? hard to explain. I'd felt all alone in the world for a long time and suddenly someone who I loved had legally in front of our friends and his family swore to be there for me. it was nice and made what I already felt feel more "legitimate" in a way. Dh isnt very vocal about emotional things at all but he was a weepy wreck on our wedding day... its something I may have never seen otherwise. I knew I'd always have him no matter what and wouldn't always have to rely on myself. Smile the truth is looking back dh would have always been there for me if I had needed him, so it was more mental then reality based changed I guess.

if you aren't planning on having children I think there is a possibility that people may never quite respect you and your dh as a family unit if you aren't married. That's there problem obviously, but it can still be hurtful and annoying.

Original poster
Lottapianos · 15/04/2013 20:41

Thanks for your post HullMum. I hear you on the 'boyfriend' thing, it sounds so casual - we've been together for 8 years and he hasn't been a 'boy' for a long time! I get around it by saying 'partner', which isn't ideal but I can't think of an alternative.

Can you say more about the positive change you feel it had on your relationship?

OP posts:
HullMum · 15/04/2013 19:09

one reason is I was sick of saying boyfriend. shallow but it seemed ridiculous after a couple of years and when referring to a 35 year old.

we wanted children and we would likely spend years moving to different countries (with different languages) and being married kind of made things safe wherever we went with out worrying too much about wills etc.

I'd always been anti marriage till I met dh and then tbh I think because I knew he believed in marriage it became important to me that he wanted to marry me.. iyswim.

if he had the same views I think we might not have married except maybe for sorting the legal stuff for kids.

I really am happy I did it now. it's weird even after being together for years it really does actually change things, in a good way. I was suprised by that.

I wish I hadn't changed my name now though or that we had chosen a family name together. I had a good reason for changing it but still feel I lost some if myself