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Original poster

Weight and appearance

61 replies

Simpkins · 07/01/2013 11:58

This is a bit of a personal rant, I'm hoping others out there will have opinions to share too though so we can vent together!

I have a weight problem and have done so for my whole life. I've come to the conclusion in recent years that my issues were terribly emotional ones- I am scared of failing at losing weight, and so the myriad diets I have "done" have not really started as I have not wanted to admit that I'm on them so as to not risk failing (how fucked up is that?) I also eat when I am trying to drown my emotions out- which I do a lot as the envioronment I grew up in, whilst loving and happy, was also about making sure everything appeared fine even if you were dying inside (mum was dreadfully unhappy married to dad and this was terribly obvious to my sister and I but we never acknowledged it and still haven't in any detail) and sadly I learned this very well and am now repeating this pattern. That's a whole other thread though!

On a personal level, I think that I am "frightened" of losing the 3 or 4 stone that I need to as I am so so SO cross that people will think of me differently. Why the hell should they? I will still be me, I am disappointed in "society" if all of a sudden I am slimmer and - hey presto! I am not invisible any more. Its almost like my weight is a way of shunning the way that I feel society prizes thinness- but at the same time I know that I need to lose some serious lbs for health reasons. I want to be around long term for my children and for me to enjoy life. I did lose weight in my teens and I know from first hand experience that I went from a nobody at school to having lots of attention in a matter of weeks- I lost a fair bit of weight one summer due to just generally growing up and having an active time for the 6 weeks, and all of a sudden people wanted to know me. I was just a kindly swot before that. This makes me FURIOUS. It didn?t at the time of course, I was thrilled that I was suddenly popular.

In particular, if my husband ends up treating me more nicely because I am thin (which I am terrified of as I think it is amost a certainty) then I will have to make a difficult choice- do I stay with a man that quite plainly does not love me for "me" but what I look like? I am not sure if I can bear the disappointment in him or even myself for choosing such a twat, if you'll pardon the expression.

So many issues here!

Has anyone else been in a simlar position with wanting to lose weight? What were your experiences?

OP posts:
TeapotofDoom · 07/01/2013 15:11

musttidy, he was an idiot - all over me the minute I was size 12, and acted like I was invisible when I was bigger... The way it revealed his attitude to his wife's size was the worst part. They were very committed catholics and he told my husband he didn't believe in divorce, so he felt he was 'stuck' with this large woman who wasn't the woman he married. Idiot. We were all middle aged anyway - and the most interesting part is, he was well overweight himself.

musttidyupAllTheChristmasShite · 07/01/2013 14:18

teapot what a shitbag the creepy friend is.

musttidyupAllTheChristmasShite · 07/01/2013 14:17

It has a lot to do with how I feel. Slimmer so more confident and happier with myself, household is happier, husband is happier. I really enjoy the fact that he is proud of me but I do see the flip side that he wasn't so proud before but if I was pissed off about that I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face IYSWIM.
I think the bottom line is what weight loss will do for you and bugger anyone else's attitude to it.
For me the moment was when my eldest DC 'noticed' that I was fat am you know how tactless they are Grin. It made me realise that I wanted to be healthy and slimmer and live a longer life. And I wanted to look like to peron I felt like. Now the big thing is keeping it off Smile.

TeapotofDoom · 07/01/2013 13:24

Simpkins, I celebrated and then within weeks, my dad went into the final stages of his illness and died. After that, I totally stopped caring. Now I have that same 40lb to lose again! So am in the same boat as you.

I'm wondering if we're not a bit similar in that we self-sabotage. I didn't go on a crazy faddy diet, but lost weight painfully slowly and carefully by eating wholefoods, and just being sensible really and never, ever cheated, felt hungry or had a problem with it. But the end of my weight loss coincided with what was to be one of the toughest times in my life, as I was very close to my dad, and it has taken me maybe five years to get back to the point I feel I am ready again, to eat clean and sustain it, this time.

I think, like me, you just need to let go of all the over-thinking and just plunge in and go for it in whatever way seems best to you. x That's what I'm doing.

That 40lb was radical enough for me to see how people's reactions to me changed and I really didn't like it but now, looking back on that reaction, I wonder if I was already sewing the seeds of sabotage when I reacted so badly to the creepy friend, and my family's bitchiness/ignoring my achievement? I mean, I thought I was doing it for myself. But maybe, I still wasn't ready.

Original poster
Simpkins · 07/01/2013 12:39

Teapot- 40lbs (or thereabouts, wherever you've ended up at) is such an achievement! Hope you celebrated it :)?

I suppose my dh is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't- if he's nicer to me should I lose weight then he's shallow, if he is the same then he didn't support me enough in wanting to lose weight. No wonder we just don't discuss my weight, he's probablby terrified of getting it wrong :)

OP posts:
TeapotofDoom · 07/01/2013 12:32

I have PCOS so my weight fluctuates. At one point, I lost nearly 40lb and was very disenchanted by some people's reactions. My niece, who is morbidly obese, made some really bitchy comments - she felt threatened because she had been hiding behind excuses why she hasn't got healthy her whole life, then I go and do it, despite obstacles. My SIL was blethering on about my nephew losing 20lb - but never even once remarked on me going down 5 dress sizes.

My husband loved me at any weight but for me, the weight loss had the opposite effect. I began to resent him for being equally attracted to me at my fattest as I felt that meant he didn't care that I was unhealthy. (Weight makes the PCOS symptoms far worse, and can risk you tipping over into diabetes, etc, much faster than for a woman without PCOS - which he knew). I wondered then if he had ever really loved me, as I got no tough love when I was fat.

Meantime, some of his male friends treated me like a whole new person - were creepily all over me, in fact. One of them had a morbidly obese wife who he makes no secret of no longer fancying, and he kept making wistful remarks along the lines of he wished his wife had done what I'd done... Which I thought was vile! My weight loss (which was over two years, so not dramatically fast) made me see people very, very differently.

I realise now I was too hard on my husband. But maybe should have given his pervy friend a piece of my mind, rather than bit my tongue when he used my weight loss as a stick to beat his poor wife, with.

Original poster
Simpkins · 07/01/2013 12:29

Musttidy- my dh does have a tendency towards being a bit controlling, and whilst he knows this and we sort of work together on managing that I do worry that he would "reward" me with nicer treatment if I was thinner. Because I know how much prouder he would be of me if I wasn't this overweight. His background is one of "fat people are lazy and repulsive, the disgusting overwight stupid fools" and whilst he doesn't outwardly believe this, there is a bit of that attitude somewhere in there.

But then I haven't discussed this with him and so maybe I am being unnecessarily crititcal!

OP posts:
musttidyupAllTheChristmasShite · 07/01/2013 12:20

Why is weight so bloody well intertwined with womens' view of themselves!!!
We, for me, because I look and feel so much better without the extra weight. But that's easy to say after having lost it I suppose.

musttidyupAllTheChristmasShite · 07/01/2013 12:19

My husband treats me differently since my weightloss. He's more attentive and affectionate. It's nice that he really fancies me again so, no, I don't think he's a twat for it, I think it's natural. He still loved me when I was fat, but now he loves me and fancies me too. I don't blame him - I now like the way I look for the first time in my whole life (with the exception if my pregnancies, which I loved) so why shouldn't he?

Original poster
Simpkins · 07/01/2013 12:09

Do I really Bonsoir? Not being disingenuous at all- are these lots of issues? One of the "things" about not really dealing with emotional stuff is that I tend to downplay anything so never quite sure what is a "big thing" and what is not!

Re: what's critical to my identity- ummmmmm- tolerance? Not really sure.

Why is weight so bloody well intertwined with womens' view of themselves!!!

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 07/01/2013 12:01

Oh gosh you poor thing. You have a lot of emotional baggage and you are very fragile.

What, apart from your weight, is very critical to your identity?