Random men speaking to you

I think men speak differently if they are talking to random women, and I think women can sometimes speak differently to random men than they would to random women. tbh, it isnt something I have given much thought to before.

In your case,op,no I dont think he would have said that to you if you were a man.
I think, in your case, that he was being friendly and having a bit of an added joke with his mates to cover up his embarassment.
I think if you had been a man, he would probably not have said anything, and been even more embarassed.

I made a point of speaking to random strangers today- they all replied. I didn't think 'he is male and early 20s - can I speak to him?'
I would bet that they have all forgotten it, they are not analysing what I meant, would I have said the same to a man, should I have phrased it differently, should I have spoken in the first place? It is a wonder anyone dares open their mouth!

Why, inde, out of interest?

exotic - am I reading this wrongly, or is this you saying you do actually accept there is a gendered difference?! Good for you. I agree.

But I disagree it doesn't need analaysing. If you don't fancy it, feel free, don't... others may.

I can't see why he wouldn't say it to a man- the only difference would be 'mate' instead of 'love'. It didn't need much response, 'yes' and a smile was fine and move off - which is what happened. I can't see why it needs analysing.

I can imagine they might say "did you see that mate" to some random bloke. To an extent I do see where you are coming from enimead. When I'm just going about my business I don't really want to be engaged in conversation with lads who are messing about, but it happens. On one occasion I even had a teenage girl who was passing in a mixed group gently pinch me and make a comment. She did it in a completely non aggressive way so I wasn't particularly bothered but if a male had done it to a female I would have thought it was disgusting.

Like almost everything in life your view of this is personal and situational.

I live in the rural west of Ireland where I have to add in extra time to go anywhere as it would be seen as incredibly rude not to pass the time of day with almost everyone.

I am generallly a chatty, outgoing and enjoy talking to people,butI have had random commments thrown at me by men,that weren't wanted.I think most women have.Also what I consider annoying is sometimes based on my mood ,whats happened that day etc.

Also in terms of relating to men I am single and dont mind men talking to me as an opener to getting to know me ,perhaps getting my number.I have also had fun conversations with men and women for the hell off it.

I enjoy my corner of the world in which regular ineraction between people is seen as the norm.I like my children growing up somewhere in which this support is seen as beneficial.I also want both my ds and dd to feel equipped to challenge people when they feel threatened or demeaned.

Well, like I say ... I don't think it's very easy to know, over the net. I read it one way - sounds as if lots of people read it the other. Who knows? IMO it doesn't really matter, since it's happened and over - I assumed the OP was trying to start a bit of a debate about what we all think about this sort of issue, is all. Maybe I read her wrongly.

Okay LRD, I am not making myself very clear here. Apologies.

What I am saying is, what did the guy who slipped in the OP do wrong, and how should he have acted? Because in my eyes all he did was draw attention to his own embarrassment.

Oh, what a lovely Christmas name!

I agree, btw.

I do think that this is a situation where being on the net makes it much more difficult to know what's going on - no matter what your position on this one.

If I say I habitually call everyone 'sweetheart', you've no idea how that really comes across. Maybe you'd hate it - maybe you'd find it friendly and nice - maybe you'd roll your eyes and think it was affected or twee.

But I don't reckon it does any of us any harm to muse a little bit on shared experiences - why do some posters seem to have had similar experiences, while others don't get it at all?

It is interesting.

Myself, I think it's gendered (whoopee shit, no surprise there), so naturally that's how I'm talking about it.

I don't see why it's complex, so sorry, I'm not really sure what you're asking.

Well, as a toy-thrower, I am looking for some pointers LRD. Specifically in the case of the OP and the guy who slipped and then spoke. Would you (genuinely) help me with the complexities of that one?

Million, I don't think the world would miss my sparkling wit and repartee too much

It isn't something I do a lot of, really. I am quite a private person. I will only usually chat if required, e.g. if someone needs help, directions etc. But if I made a tit of myself by flying across some ice, I might save face by making a comment and not think twice about anything than my own embarrassment. This thread has got me thinking that this might disturb some people, so maybe when this happens we should just grin and wander off.

chickens - your DH must just be prettier than mine.

I have to say, while I do understand that many people, men and women, find social conventions hard to grasp, it always slightly irritates me when people take a martyred tone and declare they just can't cope with these complexities like, um, not making someone else feel uncomfortable so they won't bother. To some extent it sounds a bit like toys out of the pram to me. And I notice it's both male and female posters, so I don't think this is a particularly masculine/feminine response - just an 'I can't be arsed with the silly feminists' one.

For me, if I hear from a load of people that they're uncomfortable with x, and x is something I regularly do, that does make me think twice. Sure, I might decide all these people are silly whiners and I'll continue to do x, but I can't quite imagine myself ever taking the tone that it's somehow unreasonable for other people to be uncomfortable. Or acting as if they've somehow constrained my freedom of expression by telling me they're uncomfortable.

That would make me feel like an arrogant person (and while I'm used to that, a little more would be de trop).

And, I'd suspect you'd be wrong about that amillionyears.

namechangeguy, I assume you are a man.
I dont think you should not do small talk. Imagine if all the guys, and women come to that, did that. The world would be a very lonely place for everyone.
I can understand you wanting to do that, but please dont.
I would like to hazzard a guess that 90% of women at least wouldnt want that.

Xenia, that is a cut and dried situation, and wrong on so many levels. Some of the other examples, like the OP and the guy on the ice, have genuinely got me wondering though. It's a bit of a minefield at times, and I am looking for pointers in some of these situations.

The only way to be sure that you are not going to upset someone or make them feel uncomfortable or threatened is to not make smalltalk. I am all for this. The nuances otherwise are just too complicated for me, and I wouldn't know when I am doing it wrong

Better safe than sorry though.

At times I feel like I am in a parallel universe on this thread. Most women surely get all these chat up lines from men (I even had one man ask for sex at the end of a business meeting last year and I am not making it up - it was ridiculous. We were here. My adult son was in the house. I don't what he expected, ugly little man). I wonder how many women have ended a business meeting by asking for that?

Obviously most of the time we don't have these problems and if people are saying men have stopped this kind of thing that is great. There is a time and a place to chat women up (or men up) and men should only do it in the right place and context.

LRD, my DH has been told he's pretty and propositioned Once at a bus stop, and once in a cinema. Both strangers. Both dudes. And there was the memorable Hair Sniffing Incident Of 1997. But we don't talk about that.