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Original poster

Raising Sons

115 replies

BertieBotts · 29/11/2012 18:05

I'm sure this has probably been done before, but I thought it might be nice to have a new thread on it to discuss opinions/experiences/ideas.

I'm finding my 4yo DS hard work at the moment (I put a thread over in Parenting if you want to know details, I won't replicate it here) and I've had a lot of reassuring replies about testosterone surges but also a lot of the standard "Boys need exercise" and suggestions to read Raising Boys. (And I think these are great helpful suggestions and am very grateful for the responses so please don't think I'm complaining about these Blush) - it's just that responses of this type always make me come back to my feminist views and wonder if it's really a boy thing about needing "exercise" and whether you really need a specific book about raising boys, or not.

My gut feeling is that although I don't think girls and boys are fundamentally different, things like hormonal changes obviously will happen at different times and it's worth being aware of these, and also, because we live in a gendered society which has such different expectations for men and women there probably are some differences in approach needed. So I wondered if anyone knew of any books, articles, resources etc about raising boys to be aware of their privilege (without totally disillusioning their sense of self!) respect women/girls as equal, minimising the (societal) link between masculinity and aggression, etc.

The only thing I can offer is the film "Tough Guise" which is very good about society's link between masculinity and aggression. It used to be on youtube but the full thing isn't there any more - it's around 10 years old and American but very relevant here I think too. If you can get hold of it without too much trouble it's really interesting to watch, if not there are various articles, blogs etc about it online.

OP posts:
MavisG · 29/11/2012 20:12

Biddulph's statements about testosterone surges at around 4 weren't scientific/proven, I think he reworded or redacted in later versions.

Totally agree re individuals. And he's very young to be told he's growing up to be a member of the ruling/most privileged class - children aren't privileged & teenaged boys are often quite horribly reacted to/treated, so maybe that stuff is better left (at least explicitly) until adulthood? If you bring him up respectfully and gently (I'm sure I've seen UP posts from you?) you'll have his ear when he's a young man.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2012 19:25

your ds isn't disadvantaged not having 3 bid sisters.he cant replicate his dad life
raise him with love and laughter and he will be a fine wee boy and fine man
i dont agree children need gender strategies or books to be raised by.just love

exoticfruits · 29/11/2012 19:21

I have 3DSs- they are as different as chalk from cheese- they need different things.

exoticfruits · 29/11/2012 19:19

I wouldn't over think it. Just enjoy your DC and take your lead from them. DCs actually do as you do- they take it in without noticing. You do not need to make a big thing of it, it is likely to be counter productive.

BeerTricksPott3r · 29/11/2012 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 29/11/2012 19:10

YY this is what I mean though - I don't want to focus on anything like "Boys need to do a sport" or anything like that because I think that's ridiculous, a person is a person with their own needs, wants and desires, but society places different expectations on (and gives different messages to) boys and girls especially into teenage/adulthood and thought it might be useful to think about ways of countering this perhaps?

DP is very equal/feminist-savvy (although he's a bit bemused by feminism in general, because he would never dream of treating a woman in any sexist way and it baffles him that men still do) but he was raised in a very strongly female household with three older sisters, and DS doesn't have that.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 29/11/2012 19:10

You have to deal with the DC you have and not the one you might want!

exoticfruits · 29/11/2012 19:09

I would treat him as an individual and not worry about gender. Any child who is hard work needs to be worn out! Lots of mud, walking, running, riding bikes, fresh air, climbing etc.

webwiz · 29/11/2012 19:01

I've just been to read your thread in parenting and your DS's behaviour is very similar to the way DD1 was at 4 (without the willy guitar of course Smile) and nothing like the way DS was. I agree with taking the gender issue out of it -you aren't happy with his behaviour so I'd work on that rather than worrying about whether its a testosterone surge or something to do with the fact that he's a boy.

AbigailAdams · 29/11/2012 19:00

Marking my place. I have 2 boys and at the moment they are as different as can be. I have been stunned in fact that the same two people can produce such differing people. So I am even less convinced that girls need one thing and boys need another. As someone famous send there is more differences within a sex than between the sexes. That is so true.

I know what you mean about society and your sub concious having an influence though and do you need to think differently about bringing them up. For example we talk to girls more than boys so I make a point of talking a lot with mine (the eldest doesn't need much encouragement!)

Cordelia Fine might be good on this.

BeerTricksPott3r · 29/11/2012 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2012 18:32

dont read biddulph raising boys,imo its deeply anti-working mums,badly written
im not sure wee boys need more exercise than wee girls.dont like gender clichés
i dont like idea of raising boys,dont like idea of raising girls-prefer to think of raising well rounded wee folk

Svrider · 29/11/2012 18:28

My ds is very different to his two sisters
Tho they are also different to each other
Can you just treat him as an individual with his own ideas etc, rather than pigeon holing him as interested in "boy" things

TreadOnTheCracks · 29/11/2012 18:25

I am interested in this too. I have DS almost 6, and work as a TA in a primary school.

I purchased the book Pink brain blue brain, but haven't managed to read it yet.

5madthings · 29/11/2012 18:08

Marking place to come back later...four boys here age 13, 10, 7 and 4.