Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

Hully - I'm saying it not a trivial thing...! Not a trivial thing at all. You've misunderstood me totally!

The point I was trying to make was simply that there was no point wading in and telling everyone to step into the 21st Century, because nobody had asked me to change my name, nobody was actually being a dinosaur about it. It was more than that. It's difficult to explain - it was my compromise; one I'm not entirely happy I made, but there you go.

Blistory - because you can say that feminism is all about choice.

And so that absolves you from having to do anything to change the world, because it's feminist not to, because it's my choice.

Dh entertained taking my name as it is very unusual, but I readily embraced the oppurtunity for something more run of the mill if dh goes his name will stay!

But I hated it. I never wanted that name. It belonged to a man who was part of a different family. Growing up I always felt like a fraud, I couldn't wait to get rid.

And it was Bones!

AND if it's such a trivial little thing, why not keep your own name?

Whistle I would have kept my name. It's mine. Simplistic but true.

Eh? I didn't say you were forced or owt? Whatchoo on about?

Whilst I understand about picking battles, I do think that women should be taking every opportunity to chip away at inequality when they can. I know it's not easy and that you get labelled as a mad, rad, lesbian feminist but if the alternative is that we leave this fight to our daughters, well, that saddens me because it means that all the other sexism remains unchallenged and more women suffer needlessly.

And yes, I do think we have a personal responsibility and a moral one even when it feels like you're on a one woman crusade to change the world. Not saying that I get it right every time but how can you define yourself as a feminist if you don't actively do something about inequality.

Nobody was forcing - or even asking - me to do anythingHully. The reasons are more than that...

And this is why it's ridiculous to say it's a trivial issue. (Amusing side note that it took Exotic, what, 4 or 5 posts in a row to stress exactly how trivial it is. )

Until the decision to keep or reject the surname you were born with, can be made without all these reasons and excuses and considerations to be made, in the society that we live in at the moment (as I did myself) - all of which feed into the far bigger picture of women as second-class citizens... how can it be described as a trivial thing...?

I reiterate, I'm not entirely happy with my decision. I'm annoyed that it was one I even had to make, I think. That is the part that really pisses me off...

Blistory - Yes I did feel more of a connection to dh's father as I had met him and he hadn't left his wife and kids for his secretary (yes that old chestnut).

I was estranged from my own father at the time so it didn't feel right to take his name at the time, plus I didn't even know what it was. I looked at my mother's family tree and decided against taking her parents names, my maternal grandfather was by all accounts a scary character who beat his children and my maternal grandmother had a name that I didn't want to take for shallow reasons, if you have a choice you don't lumber yourself with a name like Pratt. .

I did toy with the idea of changing my name to something exotic and glamorous but it seemed a little pretentious and taking dh's name seemed the logical thing to do.

Out of interest what would you have chosen in my situation?

In order for evil to triumph Amanda....

My dh's elderly father was a member of a very obscure religious sect, as traditional as they come etc, and yet when I told him of course I wouldn't be changing my name, he asked why, and I explained. Once one has explained, there is nothing to argue with. There is quite literally no rational opposition to the position.

Don't we all do things to avoid negative consequences all the time? I'm not saying it's an honourable reason, it's not.

(Altho equally you could have just laughed at them all, refused to engage with the debate because it is frankly RIDICULOUS, and encouraged them to step froth from the nineteenth century)

And therein lies one individual's compromise with the patriarchy.

I also have taken my DH's name, for reasons outlined on page 1. I'm not entirely proud of the decision. I think it is a big deal and as I say, my decision doesn't sit all that well with my principles, if I'm entirely honest. But it was my compromise to make. Along with others I make every day.

I'm still a feminist at heart, and always will be.

quite

Amanda I don't have a problem with you taking your husband's name in itself but you appear to be saying that you did so because of the negative impact that doing otherwise would have. And that's where the issue lies for me. Not on you taking his name but the reasons you describe for doing so.

Amanda - for what it's worth, I really relate to all you have written. :)

I don't think he would have been "offended".

"My surname was my mothers first husband's name (not my fathers). I changed it when I got married because I had more of a connection to dh than my mothers first husband who I had never met"

This is the kind of response I don't understand. Did you feel more of a connection to dh's father that you took his name ? Genuinely curious.

My DH was not comfortable with the idea of me keeping my name and giving the DC any other name. Given that plenty of people (including the various mysogynistic types with whom he is required to do business) would have regarded that choice as hysterical, dramatic and attention seeking and would no doubt have labelled me as one of those 'mad feminist types', I did sympathise with him not wanting me to make a political statement on this one occasion. 'Rejecting' his name would have upset his family as well and I was and still am keen to nurture a positive relationship with them for all our sakes.

My surname was my mothers first husband's name (not my fathers). I changed it when I got married because I had more of a connection to dh than my mothers first husband who I had never met.

That could get very confusing for the Census people though.

I've always said we should do a Malcolm X and just call ourselves X.

Well, she's not a feminist because she has kept her father's name. I will be changing my name to Ms. Estrogen when I get married, because I am the only true feminist around here.