Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

Huh. I did change my name, but I do call myself a feminist, and will continue to do so. I think that it's possible to be a feminist and sometimes behave in an unfeminist way. I have friends that call themselves feminists but like wearing make up, or heels, or having their nails done. Or feel pressure to conform and do, at work for instance. I didn't want my birth name, it had nothing but negative connotations for me. I could have chosen a brand new name, I suppose, but in the end I adopted DH's perfectly ordinary name, while knowing that I was going along with a patriachal tradition. But the tradition was not my reason, although it provided handy cover iyswim. This one decision did not define my whole ideology.

I think I'm probably 1/2 feminist btw. Done the career and now have a full time job again but also regard the house as my domain entirely. Overall DH and I spend an equal amount of time on the things that make our family unit run like clockwork. I work 7-8 hours a day and do or manage the domestic stuff; he works at least 12 hours a day (cut back lately). Ultimately I do what I want and he does what he wants (within reason) and it works fo rus.

Hully you are so close I'm PMSL

My maiden name was rather more foreign and almost as hard to spell than one of the above though and I was delighted to take DH's name which was nicer than mine.

My grandad who was Russian took my Grandma's name for pretty much the same reasons .

mm

I'm just trying to work out what dh and I would have done when when dropping half of our hypothetical hyphenated names upon the birth and naming of dd1. Even if all the grandparents were as breezy and reasonable as you chibi and seeker.
I would have found that decision horribly difficult.

I mean Doreen

yy slubber

But it's actually nothing to do with me

One last word-I can agree -how true. What my DSs and possible DIL's do is nothing to do with me and I frankly couldn't care!

yes what seeker said. my two have our surnames. i would hope they pass one of them on to their children but what they do is up to them

So, Hully

I am Doreen Oak(*) and he is Gregory Beech
And upon marriage I stay Doreen Oak and he stays as Gregory Beech.

And our children are Nathalie Oak and Simon Beech.

hahah you have no idea all the crossing out I just did. Got way-laid by double-barrelleding.

OK well that is totally simple and fair.
Why don't we just do that?

(* not my real name at all)

However-I am obviously 'the wrong sort' of feminist. (I generally am on MN)

My depressingly untheoretical children are hyphenated. Whwt they do when they form relationships is entirely up to them. Their hyphenated name is theirs, in the same way that my name is mine and their dad's is his. We have made it clear from the beginning that they can drop either part of the name if they want to. However, as one part sounds nice but is unusual and hqrd to spell, and the other is one letter change away from a rude word, I will probably encourage them to make a new name for their new families when the time comes. But it's actually nothing to do with me- as people are so fond of saying on baby name threads, I had my chance when I named my children.

There is another way, my dd has blended mine and dh's surnames to make her own.

Say I was Smith and he Bones, she is Smones.

exotic you don't seem to have a point apart from: I can do whatever I like and you are all being meany to me.

I am glad that it hammered home then! That is my only point. I am free to choose and I don't have to fit in with bossy women who not only want to tell me what I should do, but what I should think!

If we are all clear on that I will leave you to debate. Nice to know it has been understood. (and I am a feminist-so to answer OP of course you can change your name and be a feminist).

Don't make you any kind of feminist, exotic, soz.

In fact it's worse if anything, you chose to follow PATRIARCHAL tradition with full knowledge and freewill.

And whose surname goes first?

But say Hermione Featherstonehaugh Cholmondeley marries Tarquin Hipreplacement Tenniscourt, what surname would their offspring have?

If I had a double barrelled name I would drop half as soon as able and I would keep the part that I liked best regardless of whether it came from the male or female side-if my mother wanted to read something into it then that is her problem. I don't like my my mother's name-it is no reflection on her-just very common and boring as a name. It is very weird to put your value in a name.

I would rather be an equal and changed my name than have a DH who couldn't cook a meal, clean a bathroom etc and yet think -'I am equal-I kept my name'!

This is why we should at least pause and think before we follow tradition.

I did-and then I chose to follow tradition.

sorry

let's say my kids are featherstonehaugh cholmondeleys.i would like them to remain so on marriage. i am not bothered which bit gets passed on to their children - as far as i am concerned, both bits of their name are wholly theirs now, and not their dad's, or mine, to get huffy about, in the same way that my name is mine, and not my dad's.

exotic you don't seem to have a point apart from: I can do whatever I like and you are all being meany to me.

I always end up with this, but why not have either the Icelandic system, or a system where females take the female name and males the male?

No need for everyone to have the same surname, plenty of places stagger along with different systems.

chibi, I'm trying to understand what you are saying but when you say 'I would want them to pass on their names to their children' what if their children's (potentially double-barrelled) spouce's parents feel the same way too.

Thinking about it personally I know I would be upset if my theoretically doubled-barrelled children chose to drop my part of their surname when it came to naming my grandchildren. I know I should rise above it but it would feel like they valued dh's side of the family above mine. Does that make any sense . It shouldn't, but it would.

I do not have theoretical children btw.

"Add message | Report | Message poster garlicbaguette Sat 24-Nov-12 13:12:00
Well, Seeker, there's a very good reason if you view women mainly as childbearing vessels for the genes of men. Which is why going along with it is un-feminist."
This is why we should at least pause and think before we follow tradition.

my kids have my name and their father's. i would hope they keep them when they marry. as far as their children go, each parent could pass on one of their names, i guess, and i don't think it would matter to me too much which one it was.

my children's names stopped being mine or their father's when we gave them to them; their names are their own. i would want them to pass on their names to their own children.

mine are under 6 so no grandchildren on the horizon yet!

I always read these threads waiting and hoping for someone to provide the solution to what happens when two double-barrelleders marry.

Because if if there is a solution that isn't a quadrupled-barrelled surname OR doesn't potentially upset and offend 50% of the parents of those getting married then I reckon that would be a great option.

choosing to maintain the same old status quo doesn't magically convert it into a feminist act