Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

I think feminism is about women's rights being equal to men's.

exotic - I think some people judge because they feel, symbolically, that you're rejecting them/their identity. So if you won't take their son/brother/whatever's name, they think maybe you're not committed to him. Or they think if you don't take your DH's name, and they did, you're implicitly criticizing their choice.

Those seem to be the common ones I've come across. It does surprise me how many people are properly offended by it, even people who have no stake whatsoever in what name you use. It's odd.

It is like 'Ms' in this respect - up until a few years ago, some people would respond as if you'd asked them to do something vaguely undignified/onerous if they asked what to call you and you said that.

Feminism is all about choice.

If I had a choice I would have my maternal grandmother' father's name. I wouldn't have wanted my mother's far too many of them in the country.

What's the point, lancre?

It does irritate me a bit, that loads of women get into feminism after they get married or after they have kids, and sometimes it feels a bit smug when people make a point about namechanging as it comes across as if they're trying to prove they've been a feminist for longer - there was a comment on the radio a while back that got up my nose for that reason.

Agree with Amanda and Notgood. It's not trivial. It's an important political statement to keep your own name. I've been questioned about it so many times and even challenged on it. It means a lot ot me and, more importantly, it means a lot to my young daughter too.

I get the argument that a (nuclear) family name can be a good thing, but I won't totally buy it until men and women change their names on marriage in equal proportions. Why is it almost always women doing the changing?

I don't think feminism is primarily about 'choice'. It's arguments like that that get us into pro-porn and prostitution territory.

Why on earth do people judge? Odd.

I am also Mrs- again trivial.

wheredoes I'm glad you raised that as a separate issue, I could drop Mrs and use Ms, none of the people who might worry about DH and his hysterical wife would even have to know!

If my DCs had a choice they would have my DHs - they find mine funny.

I am a relatively young SAHM and wife who changed name to my husband's upon marrying. I wanted us all to have the same name and preferred his to my own.
The most belittling comments about my family's choices have come from my most stridently 'feminist' friends. I think they are missing the point spectacularly.

DH does, Seeker. He uses mine a lot of the time for that reason.

I suspect perhaps only men with nasty feministy wives have difficult to spell last names, though ...

It is not a trivial issue, any more than the use of Ms/Mrs/Miss is trivial. It is a custom based on women being subservient to men.

I'm not surprised that many women do not see it this way, but I am surprised that many women who call themselves feminists do not see it this way.

I am always amused that women so often seem to have horrible/difficult to spell/embarrassing/ ugly last names - and men never do!

I agree with those who have said that changing it is not a feminist act, I didn't change mine but that doesn't make me a better feminist than those that did, I have various other feminist failings, such as hair, make-up, sacrificed career to an extent for children. We can't all be 100% feminist all the time. However I do think that the more we consider the feminist point of view when making our life decisions the better, whichever choice we end up making.

With regard to the specific point of name changing, I don't really have an issue with people changing their names but do really wish more women would use Ms instead of Miss and Mrs, I think that is a more significant issue than the name. As for Mrs Husbandfirstname Husbandsurname, don't get me started on that.

exotic, TBF, this is an issue where no-one ever minds their own business! Before my wedding was over I'd already had to justify what I was doing twice to family members who couldn't wait to tick me off about it.

Yep, I'm in England. It'd be exactly the same in Scotland for DH, though, since he is neither Scottish nor English - it's true, it wouldn't apply to him as he wasn't born there.

Someone was mentioning on here a while back, about how if you are married, it's assumed your husband is the baby's father even if you're a surrogate mother - I don't think it's a one off.

What is irritating is other people telling me what I ought to think- I am an adult and I think for myself.

Giving up my name wasn't a sacrifice and I am a feminist.

It is no big deal - it is trivial.

A sea change is not long overdue - people minding their own business is long overdue and leaving people to do what suits them.

"It's a damn sight harder for men to change their names, though. "

Maybe in England. I'm pretty sure that here in Scotland you can call yourself whatever you like, though the General Register website suggests this only applies if you were born here.

I remember watching a documentary some years ago on surrogate mothers, and when the surrogate mother gave birth her husband's name was put on the birth certificate even though he had nothing to do with it, and then it had to be changed later. Madness!

I don't think anyone should underestimate what a big deal keeping your own name can be. It's a big political statement, which your husband and your families are obliged to share in for the rest of your married lives. If there is a conflict between their expectations and yours, you have to decide whether to put your principles above their feelings - and that's not a natural or easy thing to do particularly when you're trying to ingratiate yourself with new inlaws who have never had any female children. I knew my DH would support my choice but I felt it was asking a lot of him and that when it came to naming the DC the issue would be magnified x100. It was a huge compromise for me but completely meaningless to the people I made it for. You have to be a feminist to even recognise giving up your name as a sacrifice.

It's a damn sight harder for men to change their names, though.

I sort of like the idea that when you get married, you'd both pick a new name out of thin air and that'd be your family name, but then I think that implies that marriage is a new identity and I'm wary of that. I can see why people feel that way, but for me, it's a problem because it is one more thing reinforcing the idea that until you're married, you somehow don't have a grown-up identity that's separate from the one your parents gave you.

(Mind you, my perspective is, shall we say, tinged slightly by the lecture my dear dad gave me about how marriage is when a woman really stops being a little girl and becomes an adult. )

Anyone who says "you can't be a feminist if..." is wrong, unless the end of that sentence is "you think the sexes should not be treated and valued equally".