Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

Apparently not YouSeveredHead- feminism is choice to me, but it appears you have to make the 'right' choice which effectively takes it away!

I don't think anyone is begrudging the name.

It's a choice within a context, is all.

I would have rather have had my husbands name than my abusive fathers tbh but everyone's circumstances are different.

Surely it's about the right to choose?

It would have been dreadfully upsetting not to have his name. He was under 30yrs and left his name and DS- and it seems some people would begrudge the name!

Oh, exotic, I'm so sorry.

I can understand that.

No one pressurised me, the one thing that would is women telling me I shouldn't change it. It is my personal choice and nothing to do with other women.

You never know what is around the corner- DH died 2years after I took his name- it was a great comfort to me to have it.

Sorry but feminism does NOT equal choice! I'm sure that all those women who " choose" to be prostitutes and lap dancers are perfectly happy and not oppressed by men at all

Not that I am equating changing your name to prostitution before I get accused of saying that! But think about how much "free choice" you actually have on this??? Women are SO pressured by society into changing their names

I am so conflicted on this. My dd from prev relationship has my name so don't want to change mine when I marry DP

And also I'm a pretty vehement feminist and I do feel like I would be betraying my own principles by changing it and I wouldn't change it at work anyway even if I changed it officially ( I have a "network and reputation " type job )

BUT

If DP and I have our own child it won't be able to have both our surnames as they are not possible to double barrell ( one of them is an O'Something for a start) so this means that at least one of my children I won't share a surname with whatever I do !

(Can't change DD's as she has her dads as well and not worth the aggro / legal challenges )

I agree with you you shouldn't get people making judgments on something like changing your name (no-one ever judges a man on his name, do they?).

I can't agree with you about that being what feminism is. I don't think the major problem with the world that feminism sets out to right is 'other women'.

IME it's as much men as women who judge this issue. Often very rudely, too.

To me feminism is being able to make a simple choice and not have other women telling me what I should think and what I should do. I wanted to change my name, it was an informed choice and I did it- it is absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. I also refuse to be Ms- I can't stand it. However I will address other people as Ms if they wish - and whichever name they choose without reading anything into it or making judgements.

I changed my name to match dh's. I felt no association whatsoever with my father's name, I loved him very much but he died 20 years ago and his family have had very little to do with ours ever since then, I don't think I've seen any of them since his funeral. I wanted us all to have the same name and his name is as good as any. My sister (unmarried as yet) wanted to change her name to our Mum's maiden name at one point but never did as it would be too much faffing about - I don't think she'll bother changing her name if/when she gets married.

I know of at least one person in RL whose dh changed his name to match his wife's when they married, I'm sure there are plenty who do it. I also think it will get more and more common as time goes on.

No, I do get that. I'm just thinking, all these choices look simple in the abstract but as soon as you put them into a human context, there's a load of pressures or paths of least resistance that complicate it.

seeker "I am always amused that women so often seem to have horrible/difficult to spell/embarrassing/ ugly last names - and men never do! "

Yes, this. And I always wonder why if it was so bad they didn't change it long before getting married, by deed poll, which is easy enough to do.

I think we're going to double-barrel the kids, or give them DH's name as an extra middle name then my name as a surname.

I anticipate a lot of angst, drama and confrontation from more traditional members of the family over this but they will just have to get used to it!

I am very glad I kept my nameaand my Ms as I have taken a lot of flak from it at work, from the people at the registry office, from family. A lot more than I expected. People still believe changing one's name and title is compulsory/automatic! I like to think at least I have made people think. I do think it's a feminist act to keep it. I wouldn't say someone isn't a feminist for changing but I do get frustrated that I know almost no women who've kept their names when so many of them claim to be feminist. But then I'm a hairy-legged no make-up wearing THING, so I'm just odd.

I suppose, LRD. I mean, technically I could have just changed my name at any time to any thing once I hit 18, but it would have caused ructions. Changing it when I got married didn't ruffle anyone's feathers. I did consider keeping my birth name, but it never felt like mine iyswim. It was always my father's, and used as a stamp of ownership. I chose to take on DH's name, so it feels more like mine. That's probably really confusing, but I hope you get the gist. If my relationship with my birth family was less fraught, I could imagine preferring to keep my own name. But as it is what it is, keeping my Father's name didn't feel like any kind of prize. I was quite happy to give it away, tbh.

"Feminism is all about choice. "

No it's not, it's about equality.

I mean, say "preferred her name to my own".

"I wanted us all to have the same name and preferred his to my own."

How come men never say this?

I changed my name but found it a bit weird this year when I took my MIL away and realised we both have the same name iykwim and I had never thought about it before and I have been married for 15 years

at chickens.

That is an example of choice being complicated, isn't it!

I changed my name when I got married. Dh and I talked about which name we should use - neither of us had any strong feelings about our own family names but as we were planning to have children it was important to us that our own 'team' had the same name.

I get that keeping your own name is a political statement, but I'm afraid I changed my name when I got married. Not having my father's name meant more to me than the political statement. ChickensMaidenname was forever being told 'You have MY name, you will DO AS I SAY' etc. Now ChickensMarriedname can stick her fingers up at all that bollocks and is a hell of a lot happier. For me, taking on DH's name was like shaking off chains.

Really, a man's choice to look at page 3 and a woman's choice to pose for it? Or my choice not to have to sit next to someone on the tube who is looking at it? Choice is not uncomplicated. Just stating that something is 'my choice' doesn't mean it's right or trumps someone else's 'choice'. It can't. Who decides on the correct hierarchy of choice?

exotic I guess for the same reason I feel I have to justify feeling this is important to me in the face of you twice dismissing it as trivial - we all feel we have to justify our decisions and we shouldn't have to feel that way.