Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

Chickens - I think it probably did change how I felt about myself, but it didn't change me as a person, in terms of how others see me. Does that make sense?

I didn't have a personality transplant overnight, is what I was trying to say!

I don't really get that argument woozley. If you keep your name entirely, you don't need two different names or any confusion.

As for the admin, the admin involved in changing your name on all your bank stuff, passport, payslips, contacts etc etc etc is quite major isn't it?

I should say, that DS1 is now almost 13 (how did that happen?!), and already has his own opinion on this issue.

He's happy with the decision we made together seven years ago, but he now understands you don't all need to have the same name to be a family, as he has friends where they have different surnames to one of their parents. "They're still a family though Mum."

So he said if he ever gets married, he would never expect his wife to take his surname, and if she did keep her name he wouldn't insist on the children having his surname, "even though it's a really cool surname."

When I asked him if he'd consider changing his to hers, he said, "well like I said Mum, our surname is really cool, so I'd double-barrel. I'd want to keep our name. But I wouldn't expect my wife to double-barrel, or the children to have that name, unless my wife wanted it."

I've explained why I changed my name. And I do consider my self a feminist. Interesting that you say it didn't change you, Tess, because I had the opposite experience. It did change how I felt about myself, and for the better.

I just can't see why someone who is a feminist would do it

For an easy life?

Have everything in one name, not have people referring to me as Mrs W in one context and Miss X in another. So I didn't have to explain every time someone asks why one of us has a different name from the children.

I just don't really need that extra level of admin in my life.

Oh and I forgot to say, I can't get precious over a name, to me it's just a label. It doesn't change the person inside.

Tess is still the same person that Tess was. Well she's slightly older now, and thinks she's starting to go grey, but other than that.

tess - that's very sweet.

But you're not refusing to take your husband's name because he's a -shock, horror - man, are you?

It's just because only women are expected to change their names, as if marriage gives you a totally re-born identity.

In my case my surname isn't my father's, but even if it was it would still be my name which I have had all my life.

I took my DH's surname and don't give two hoots what people think about that.

I'll be honest though, it wasn't my choice alone, someone else had a hand in the decision.

No - not my DH - but my DS1.

DS1 was the result of a failed relationship in my late teens. DH has been DS1's dad since he was 2-years old and had legally adopted him (DS1's real father hasn't ever seen him, not even once).

When making the decision whether to change my surname, I asked DS1 whether he would want to change his (if I did), and he stunned me by saying he would want to change his even if I didn't. He was only 6-years old at the time, but he seemed certain he wanted to share his name with his dad, the man who loved him like his own.

How could I argue with that? That made my decision for me.

Screw what anyone else thinks.

Yes, my name is my father's name (though interestingly, his name is his mother's name, she was a single mum).

The point about that though is that I have had that name from birth, for whatever reason - it's my name. It may be patriarchal and that's a situation I would like to see change, but the fact is it's my name now. Just as a man's name is his name when he marries, even if it was his dad's. So from that POV, men and women enter marriage on an equal footing. The fact that one gender is generally expected to change their name is sexist, and if they do, even if there's no direct pressure from the man, that is not feminist.

Can they be a feminist, even if they do such an unfeminist thing? I don't know... I just can't see why someone who is a feminist would do it. It's like always making the tea at work because you're the only woman, then saying it's fine because you want to do it and it's a trivial matter. Maybe it is, but you are reinforcing sexism.

What I mean is that for most (I repeat most!) people, their maiden name is their father's family name because their mother would have taken it when they got married (or given it to their children even if they don't use it). So you are refusing to take on your husband's name so you can keep your fathers. Just seems a bit odd to me.

Feminism is not all about choice, though part of feminism is about increasing women's choices where they are limited,

I like that quotation.

But, I don't get the 'father's name' point - surely both your names are given to you by your parents? Those are the names you have from birth.

But I don't expect to be treated like a baby all over again when I get married.

I always remember these wise words:

"If you're going to do something as stupid as get married you might as well do something as stupid as change your name"

I don't really understand the feminist argument about changing their name.......given that its most likely their father's anyway.

I agree that women are very often put under a lot of pressure to change, whether that be by family expectations, actual comments or outright fuss from the husband to be. A family friend had assumed she would keep her name after marriage - it being her name and all, and when this cropped up in conversation a week before the wedding her fiance kicked up an almighty hoo-ha about it. They nearly cancelled the wedding, but then she agreed that she would keep her name until the first child was born and then change it to "match".

Pretending - as so many people on this thread and in general have done - that we're all wandering around in some kind of free choice paradise entirely divorced from outside pressure or historical context - is silly to the point of harmful really.

Loved this: "If you believe in women's humanity, then some woman on the radio telling you xy and z means you're not a feminist, won't put you off. If you're looking for an excuse to get off the bus though, anything will do." I often feel like asking people who say "X really puts me/people off feminism" just when their ardent feminist phase was.

MadameLeBean - can't you just give future DC your surname as well?

Well said Begonia, you saved me a lot of typing .

The fact that a woman chooses something does in itself not make that choice feminist.

Oh, and in the context of world problems whether women in the UK change their names on marriage is certainly not a big issue. There are far more important feminist (and other) issues - FGM, maternal mortality, domestic violence and many more. But, yes, name change on marreiage is a feminist issue.

We both double barrelled when we got married- I didn't want to drop my name and neither did my husband but we both wanted to have the same name as any of our future children so we joined names.My husband did get some stick as he is obviously under my thumb for adding my name .

I must say that I don't particulary enjoy having a double barrelled name, especially when people assume it to be a dickish thing to do but it was very much a feminist issue to me, personally.

amanda - medical drs, too? And vicars? They're Dr and Rev. It's funny, but my mate who is training to be a vicar says people keep asking her what her husband's title will be once she's a reverend - they all think somehow it'd change with hers.

I like my DH. Most of the time.

The Dr thing is staggering. Getting a phd is really the only socially acceptable way for women to achieve equality with a man in the way she is addressed. And then her husband just says "I'd prefer you not to use it"!

DH had no opinion either way about my surname. It wasn't his decision to make. I don't think we actually discussed it at all. I stayed ChickensMaidenname on official documents for 9 years anyway as I was too farking lazy to fill out any name change forms, I only got around to it when I needed a new passport. And my bank account is still in Miss. Xname. But socially, I am ChickensMarriedname. We had DS1 before we were married, and I gave him DH's name, again because I actually like DH

owl - search me, but it's a heck of a red flag, isn't it?!

I would far far rather be told that I have betrayed the cause, or set back the progress of women's rights, or done something disappointing than told its a trivial thing that I shouldn't get worked up about. At least my feelings are validated.