Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

furo - I'm going to quote you because it's a bit back up the thread - you said: 'We are arguing over a battle which has been won. Unlike the 23746 other battles like the pay gap and FGM etc.'

I'm not sure we are.

I can see that the pay gap and FGM are more tangible issues than women changing their names, which has for a very long time now only had symbolic value. Yes, women are no longer their husbands' property. But I think even though the issues around what name you use are more difficult to quantify, they are still real issues and we haven't 'won' yet. All the little things ultimately do add up.

'When I realised that my heart actually sang with joy'

Good for you. And them.

Out of all the hundreds of women I have been at uni with/met socially/worked with/been friends with, only 3 have not changed their names to their husbands, and two of those went double-barrel. It's and . One friend said 'oh well I'll always be a at heart' Well why are you changing your name then??? headdesk

I don't like being told whether or not I am a feminist. I have never been told that on Mnet.

Only in rl by people who choose to describe themselves as intellectuals. So in a way this thread has made me feel defensive. But not because of my name.

Great post, seeker. Totally agree. Three women on my university course have been married in the past few months and all of us have kept our names. When I realised that my heart actually sang with joy.

Also agree with seeker. People who moan about how totally trivial something is get on my wick anyway - there's loads of it on MN these days

Agreed seeker. If it really didn't matter so much I doubt we'd have so many people lining up to defend this practice.

That's an interesting point, seeker.

I don't think that's quite right, seeker. I mentioned below that I thought it a relatively unimportant issue, and I "rocked the boat" to the extent that I kept my own name and arranged with my dh that our children will also have my name.

I was reacting to the form of words in the thread title, which suggests women being given a hard time for a choice they have made and being told that other people know better than they do how adequate their feminism is.

I just think that there are many more important ways of bringing you feminism into your life than this particular matter, and that it doesn't seem fair to judge women on this issue. There might be family reasons why they make a different decision to the one I made.

I agree with Hully with it not sitting comfortably with feminist ideology.
But

What message does it send? I have been married for 11 years. I have always been a Ms. The majority of people I worked with and the majority of parents and teachers at school have always tended to assume I am unmarried.

Before I got married I had a chat with my Dad. He said to me that a name is a gift. It's a gift given with love not expectation and its up to you what you choose to do with it.

I think that women who say this is a trivial point, or who go on about there being no difference between a father's name and a husband's, or who justify changing by saying how horrible and ugly their name was are just doing what some women have always done. They are disassociating themselves from other women who want to rock the boat, and making it very clear that the status quo suits them very nicely, thank you.

'I don't think it's so bad because he is clearly not doing it just because everybody else does. Bit unnecessary though'

Ditto. I would hate for DP to take my name because I would see it as him 'joining my family' - and we are both best off as far away from my family as possible! We would love to have a CP one day (waiting patiently) but wouldn't do any name changing if/when we do. Not planning on any children but honestly not sure what we would do - maybe my name to one, his name to the other? Assuming we had two

I haven't read the whole thread as I'm on my lunch break, but what the hey, here's my tuppence worth .

I'm Dr DH name, or Ms DH name at a push. I like it - I lost my family name, which was slightly OTT with my forename, and was apparently difficult to say / spell, and that I didn't feel overly attached to anyway. I gained a simple surname that I share with my lovely DH and DS. Overall, I'm relatively happy with my decision.

Interesting point about keeping your Dad's name versus taking your DH's name .

I remember a midwife said to me once she wished more children had their mothers last name, just because it makes it so much easier to find people.

That's another mystery to me just giving a child his dads name with to reference whatsoever to the mother. It just makes no sense to me.

Unnecessary, exactly. I do wish more women felt the same

What do you feel when a man changes his surname to his wife's?

I don't think it's so bad because he is clearly not doing it just because everybody else does. Bit unnecessary though.

What do you feel when a man changes his surname to his wife's?
I know it's rare as hen's teeth but it does happen.

I also know a lesbian couple who recently had a CP and have blended. I just see that as a slightly unnecessary but well-meant sentimental gesture. A marriage isn't the name of itself.

Euro agree 100% with your first point

Euro agree 100% with your first point

oh yes, lotta, it was her. It is a good one. Simple and effective.

I kept my name and really don't understand why anyone would ever change their name just because they got married. The DCs are double barrelled. In 16 years his has never caused any problems whatsoever.

To all the women saying "I hated my name so took DH's name when we married" if you hated it so much why didn't you change it before? Genuine question.

My cousin has changed her and her DC's names four times. She is now back using her birth name (although may get married again, I don't know what she'll do then). I don't know what name her (now adult) DCs use.

No it isn't (see above) but it carries the freight of those associations and connotations: the woman is assimilated into the man with his name. Come on, she changes her identity label to his!

Hully, is it? Is it really still thought of is ownership? I just don't see that.
I think people find it easy if a couple has the same name, because categorising them as 'together' takes no thought. They don't think much further beyond that, surely?

Hully, I think that was Caitlin Moran. Not a huge fan of hers but she does come out with some gems and that's one!

I don't think "Mrs" sits well with femininsm either.

Who was it who said that when thinking about whether to do a thing or not, look at the men and see if they are doing it...?