Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

That's bloody ridiculous.

What if you don't have regular contact with the other parent?

I'd be well pissed off if I had to ask my xp, who has no PR and very little contact with his kids, for his permission to take my kids on holiday.

I did it HippieHop

I think it was because I had a vague idea that I'd have a work name and a home name and that eventually I'd change it to his for use when dealing with schools, medical authorities etc.

Seemed like a good idea at the time but I wouldn't do the same now. Would just give them my surname name.

The border thing isn't about surnames, it's about child protection. Many countries (Canada included) specify that all children should have their birth certificate and a letter of consent from the other parent, when travelling with only one of them. Parental abduction does not discriminate with regard to surnames!

I also struggle to understand why a woman would give her child the father's surname over their own. There are a few women I know who aren't married but choose to disregard their name in favour for their partner's when naming their child. I wouldn't do this in a million years- I just don't get it.

Agree with Hully that "Mrs" would feel uncomfortable for me as a feminist. In fact it makes me cringe a bit. Think even if I take DP name would still call self Ms

There can be an issue and it's recommended that you travel with the birth certificate or a letter of consent from the parent with the same surname as a child. Just had that spat recently at the Canadian border travelling with an unmarried friend who gave her child the father's surname.

I think for certain countries it's wise to have the letter of consent to travel with just one parent regardless of surname because of heightened fears of parental kidnapping.

I chose to keep my name and tag OH's on. It wasn't a feminist issue for me, it was a me issue.

Could be misconstrued as a feminist issue though, because I was partly remaining myself and partly refusing to become just another Mrs X in an extended family with mostly male offspring.

I agree with OP, it sometimes seems like you aren't allowed in the club unless you do/don't do the right things. Thatparole of the reasons why I don't describe myself as a feminist, despite my beliefs.

Actually passport control is one of the places I've never had any trouble re having a different name from my kids.

It's more everyday parochial places who get their knickers in a twist about it.

There can be an issue and it's recommended that you travel with the birth certificate or a letter of consent from the parent with the same surname as a child. Just had that spat recently at the Canadian border travelling with an unmarried friend who gave her child the father's surname.

No, dh has taken ours abroad without me, without any issues whatsoever.

There is no problem with differently-surnamed parents taking children abroad.

I get annoyed with the whole pride thing. That somehow retaining your own name diminishes your husband but you're both proud that you now add a different collection of letters to the end of your name. What an achievement.

And as for trading one man's name for another, my father didn't just give his name to me, he also gave it to my brothers and if they don't have to give it up or question it, why should I ? As for children, why do women feel they have to give their children their husband or partner's name - I've never understood the responses I get that they feel it somehow diminishes the father's role if they don't. So the man gets appeased yet again, his wife, his children.

'What an arse-badgeringly stupid rule to follow. Says that only stuff men do is valid'

Actually, the rule was to do with deciding whether something is sexist or not. Is women changing their names on marriage a sexist practice? Do men do it too? Generally - no. So yes, it is sexist.

It works well I find

I don't really get that argument woozley. If you keep your name entirely, you don't need two different names or any confusion.

As for the admin, the admin involved in changing your name on all your bank stuff, passport, payslips, contacts etc etc etc is quite major isn't it?

Not once you have done it all. The children would have to have one surname or the other so there would be fairly regular confusion caused by that. Not the least if the non-matching surname parent wanted to take them abroad on holiday. If I were professionally so well established that changing my name would cause me to lose business or clients or whatever I could understand it. But otherwise it would seem pointless going through the rigmarole of getting married and then appearing as if unmarried to everyone. Sorry, but I didn't want to appear unmarried with children. I am not judgemental about other people having children and not being married, but it's not something I wanted for myself. Of course the best thing would be if we were all Mrs or Miss so you wouldn't know anyway, but you'd still have the surname issue.

I've never had any trouble at all with keeping my own name, or with my family's decision to give our children my name rather than my dh's. He has never had a problem either.

I do feel surprised when women take their husbands name, or regard their children's names as a foregone conclusion (i.e. the same as dad's). But I just never see it as something to judge women about: among older women, they might have decided to avoid a particular battle that would be administratively irritating every single day, to concentrate on other battles that might have more effect on their qality of life or that of their children. Among younger women, it may be that they see the battle about names as a done deal, where other battles are still far more pressing (or that they have family reasons that I have no idea about). I'd always assume that they focus their feminist efforts in areas that make most sense for them.

Don't think that was quite the rule Woozley.

It was more "if the claim is that it's empowering, does it empower men when they do it?"

IE, where do men get their power from, versus where do women get their power-lite from?

DH was quite happy to take my surname if I'd have asked him to, or we could have double-barrelled. We discussed all the options. I chose to take his since he was so reasonable and I liked his name. If he'd been named Poobottom I'd have rethought.

Who was it who said that when thinking about whether to do a thing or not, look at the men and see if they are doing it...?

What an arse-badgeringly stupid rule to follow. Says that only stuff men do is valid. I shall immediately renounce my membership of the WI

Interesting. I must have a touch of the hard stare about me because I get NO SHIT from officialdom
A reminder not to extrapolate from my own experience.

I don't get into trouble as such. It just causes embarrassed flusterings IYSWIM.

No-one's demanding explanations or anything, it's just a "oh one of those different types" response.

Slightly wearing, but no big deal.

Still "different" though. Different enough for it to not be utterly unnoticed, utterly trivial, not an issue anymore, etc. - all that stuff some people are saying which clearly isn't true.

Fastidia, do you really get trouble for having different names? Apart from a few twits in a social context, I have never once had a problem with having a different name from my husband or children. (For the record...we gave the children his name because it's a lot nicer than mine. I've come to regret this slightly because it simply mirrors tradition but it's done now.)

Well ok having thought further I will concede that LRD

I've always found it to be a tricky one to dissect, because I know so many women who are full on feminists who have nevertheless changed their names. They don't fall into seeker's description of women who are happy with the status quo: they might be actively fighting to change society, living their words, spreading their successes. I can't condemn them for having changed their names. (At least one I know is a feminist activist, and does struggle with her name, but puts it down to having gone a bit soppy at the time of the marriage )

I truly don't think that we need to look further than 'it's somewhat traditional' and lump it in with all the other shit that's 'somewhat traditional' around weddings. With a bit of pursed lips from parents in there somewhere.

Having said that, there is a definite group of women who like to sneer at people who do differently, and knowing a few and having been on the receiving end, I like seeker's explanation as it fits them all to a T. Very conservative and dependent on their husbands. I find them sad but they make me angry inside too. I dislike having my own identity questioned, deeply. If there weren't something easy to point out, I have no doubt they'd be finding fault for other reasons, though.

"because I don't have the same name as my DC's."

Did you give your DCs your DH's name then?

I agree with Seeker.

Also I'd like to add, if it's such an unimportant thing, how come so many people make such an almighty fuss about it?

I regularly get teachers, medics etc., flustered, shocked, disapproving, non-plussed etc., because I don't have the same name as my DC's.

Like so many other things in life, it's a battle that's been legally won but it has hardly even started socially.

If it mattered so little, I wouldn't be getting such ridiculous reactions from other people as I stumble through life, just for having a different surname from my DC's and people wouldn't be getting so defensive about the whole subject.

It clearly does still matter, as this thread shows.