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Original poster

If you have a male DP/DH?

58 replies

dashoflime · 19/11/2012 09:50

Does he pull his weight around the house? And if so, how have you got things to that point?

I ask because DH is supposedly on board with feminism but his actions (or lack thereof) continually fail to measure up to the ideals.

He is not terrible (I don't want to LTB!). He does some cooking, helps with baby and walks the dog for example. Its definitely a help having him around. Its just noticeable that things aren't equal.

DH works part time from home. I am on maternity leave with our first DC. I do the vast majority of the housework as well as some extras like making a batch of jam to save us money on Christmas presents. When he saw me doing this he said "Wow it would never even occur to me to do that"

I thought that was very telling, and maybe the crux of the issue: Things like that do occur to me because I've somehow taken the responsibility onto myself.
By contrast DH doesn't appear to notice really obvious things that need doing, like putting clothes away in drawers.

I feel like I'm fighting a rear guard battle to keep him on board with the practical running of our home. Is this just what heterosexual relationships are like or has anyone here achieved equality in the home?

OP posts:
Noren · 19/11/2012 11:34

In the main, yes. He is the laid back type and has grown up being told when and how to help by his organised type parents. I am the more organised/self-motivated type. As a result, he's often late/disorganised/not especially productive at getting stuff done. He takes a lot longer to cook than I do because I have a mindset of getting things done quickly whereas he is slow and careful.

This has led to a few discussions recently because I feel like it's easy for me to slip into doing all the work of organising him - for example if we're going out he's got used to me reminding him to get ready. I've taken a step back because I do find it work and irritating, but it does seem very hard for him to learn. He is like this at work too, and really hates about himself that he doesn't have good time management. But gets too bogged down in feeling bad to be able to improve. However, his tendency to do things slowly and carefully also means PROPERLY. So, for example he started the task of painting a ceiling by not just moving the baskets of our clean clothes into another room (my technique) but by folding and putting all the contents away, seeing it as an opportunity to learn the new system I've devised for my clothes.

He does plenty. He cooks very well and won't complain if I've not been working and he has (I am part time) but I don't feel like cooking. Each morning he makes me tea and breakfast and generally unloads the dishwasher at the same time.

He is less likely to do the big cleaning jobs unless something makes him think of it, like if we are having visitors or I remind him. So our house isn't as clean as I would like. I think it's partly because we are fairly busy people and a big cleaning task would take him a lot longer than me and so he runs out of time. Usually we will clean together, such as loading dishwasher together, or cleaning up before vistors together, but I will end up doing extra stuff when it's my day off.

I do feel like I come in for a lot of the work like reminding him to buy cards/helping him to think of presents for his family. I have taught him the ways of Google Tasks/Calendar reminders and I think he's getting better.

What I really value is if I point out something is not fair he will make every amend to fix it, even while hampered by some of his natural flaws, and very much appreciates the things I am good at doing for him. We don't have children yet but we have discussed how things will need to change when we do like being cleaner, and that we don't want it to be all me. We are going to share some of the maternity leave so this will hopefully help with the issue.

MikeOxard · 19/11/2012 11:32

Dh does more than his fair share. I haven't 'got it to that point' at all, he has always been like it. At first he just felt uncomfortable if I was doing housework and he was just sitting around, so he never would, we would do it together or he would do it while I did something else. Now with 2 dc, usually if one of us is doing housework, the other is looking after the dc. Dh works full time as well, and I am on mat leave, but usually work f/t.

My ex was the opposite, a lazy, selfish git, who thought that doing one bit of washing up, once in 3 years or so was 'helping me out', like it was my job, even though we both worked full time. At the time I was very young and thought maybe this was what marriage was like, but then I wised up and LTB.

givemeaclue · 19/11/2012 11:10

Why wait? Why not improve them now he you feel you are living in the fifties.

What was the ss scare?

Original poster
dashoflime · 19/11/2012 10:35

Up until now it would never have occurred to ME to make bloody jam either! Why am I making Jam for cristsakes? I think I am just super bored on maternity leave and looking for ANYTHING to do.

In the past I have not been very house proud either, as many past house mates can attest. Before DS, me and DH used to "share" the housework in the sense that neither of us could be arsed to do it and the house was a tip.

I think post DS, I have upped my game and DH has not. Just before he was born we had an erm.. "social services scare" which I posted about on here. I think that may have influenced me. I was very aware that there would be health visitors and such like coming over and they would be looking and judging. Plus, an ordered, clean environment is of course good for the little one, in itself. So now, I follow the flylady and do my little bit each day.

I suppose what bothers me is that before DS, we were both very politically active and now it seems that he has time to continue all that but I do not. So I am obviously a bit jealous about that because, y'know, I'm an intelligent person that wants that connection with the world as well.

I guess I see the same pattern in the relationships of people around me as well. Everything nice and equal before kids, then somehow, the 1950's descend once they are born. There was a really good book about exactly that called Shattered which I read before I had DS. I always hoped it would not play out in my relationship, but it seems like it has Sad

Maybe things will improve when I go back to work?

OP posts:
PeggyCarter · 19/11/2012 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2blessed2bstressed · 19/11/2012 10:01

It would never occur to me to make a batch of jam for Christmas presents either.....so I don't necessarily think that's a gender thing. I think that some people are more house proud and notice things needing doing, more than others.
Messiest house I know, with nothing put away in drawers, and light fittings with no shades etc...belongs to a female friend of mine. She just isn't interested in that stuff. She reckons life's too short.

Don't suppose that really answers your question though!

givemeaclue · 19/11/2012 10:00

Yes we have equality in the home, we work as a team . he notices things I don't, I notice things he doesn't etc.I would struggle in a relationship that wasn't like that, but each to their own!

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 19/11/2012 09:55

It's the other way around in our house. DP is much tidier than me. It's just the way he is I am on mat leave also. But if I'm struggling with feeding baby DS and watching DDs, then he will make meals. I do sometimes have to hint at the time though.

He was like this when I met him. I love it. It makes me do more too.