Changing your surname

I've kept my surname. There was never any question for me of changing it - he doesn't own me! I have dual identity, and my second nationality always use both parents names (its wierd not to have 2 names in that culture) so I have taken my husbands name after mine on that paperwork, and my son has both our names - its not faux double barreling, its so he fits in culturally. Anyway why shouldnt he have both our names? On official paperwork he has both names, but usually just goes by his dads. I have no probelms having different names and I enjoy a chance to bring up the point - why should I have a man's name or a title indicating my marital status?

I kept my name when I married, it's "me" and I didn't want to change it. DH was cool with this, never pressured me and was fully supportive. My whole work identity - and much more - is tied to my name and I like it, it's also a link to my parents and roots. It certainly makes it very easy to spot a telemarketer: "Hello can I speak with Mrs. ". My older relatives don't get it though, and every year I receive Christmas cards addressed to Mrs. - I'm not offended by it, I understand for them that's how they see it and have no intention of picking a fight. In fact my grandmother to this day still mispells DH's family name, oh well. Interestingly I still can't get used to my sister's 'new' name though she's been married for over 15 years now.

We gave our boys DH's last name, I'm fine with this - did not want to go the double-barreled option, I find it awkward. While I wanted my family name for me, I've got no problem with them using their father's name, is it society expectations? is it because my last name is foreign? is it because they're boys (though don't feel different for girls)? is it because they're the next generation - I can't really pin it down but it did feel 'simpler' and I'm happy for my brother to have the responsibility of carrying on the family name into the next generation (he too has two boys, conveniently). We did discuss options at the time of their birth and again DH was open, though I expect he's secretly pleased. I've never had issues at school or travelling, different surnames are so common everyone seems to take it in stride.

girlwiththemouseyhair I've had that David Bowie song running around my head since yesterday now, but still can't reach the top notes

I have mother's surname not fathers as they were not married, I didn't change name when got married. I love my surname, its really pretty.

Expecting DD in three weeks and we've decided to use my pretty surname as a middle name. DH really wants her to have his surname as he's the last in hs line (only boy) even though it's not te nicest.

He was fine about not changing mine though. Said he doesn't really get the why anyone would want too. And tbh neither do I.

mmbovary I deleted a lot of stuff from my post, because I was trying not to be too critical of those that craved the titles and accolades; but by trying to see their side of it, it looks like I've agreed with them wanting / using the title. Too much devil's advocate for me . I don't agree with status seekers, in general, but my slight sarcasm about the Queen obviously backfired

I too think most people do charitable work anonymously and expect no reward, other than the pleasure of helping others.

At a previous workplace, someone was made "Sir John" for being a captain of industry / charitable work / name on wing of landmark building etc. His secretary insisted on calling him "Sir John" but all the other minions, including me, went out of our way to avoid mentioning his name, from then on. It was funny, but it was reverse snobbery on our part too. It meant a lot to him, but possibly because he wanted the recognition as he'd not come from a privileged background.

In an equal society, how does achievement get recognition? Can everyone be purely altruistic, with no need for status symbols?

greenhill, I do see your point, but you can still do a lot of charitable work, and achieve many things in life without having to introduce yourself to the world, as "the person who achieved this or that/or the person who did this or that".

If you are capable and accomplished within a field or social arena, people who care about what you've done or achieved, will know it anyway. Why do you have to advertise it in a title?

Also, in the case of Lord/Dame/Sir, a lot the time we are talking about people who come from a very priviledge background. It's easier in life (easier NOT easy) to achieve degrees/positions and do charitable work when you come from that background. So it's not so much that they got the title on solely personal merit/ability/intelligence/charity, but the fact that they came into a world full of opportunity, and yes, they made the most of it. And the title is just reinforcing that.

I think this society has too many hung ups about social class and status, and the title issue is just a reflection of that. Again, it's a vestige of patriarchal values and a very male orientated way of thinking and dealing with the world.

mmbovary It is interesting how a title is actually to establish a hierarchy or 'pecking order' in academic / medical circles isn't it?

In academic circles they are just mr or ms until they get their phd then they are dr. But in medical circles once they are a surgeon, they lose dr and get the more prestigious mr or ms.

But at least it is a demonstration of achievement on their part i.e. they have completed x amount of years of research / study and are fully qualified. So the increased status is a reflection of something of value.

Those that become Sir / Dame etc after years of charitable work / long career in entertainment / captain of industry etc probably see it is a 'just' reward for all the time / effort they put in over a period of years. Of course, they do not have to accept the accolade in the New Year's Honours List etc. Those that do, hope to appear modest by saying that they have accepted it on behalf of their family, as if it was their partner's desire to meet the Queen and not theirs...

I think the whole idea of going about life using titles quite old fashioned and conservative, in many ways.

I don?t even agree with people using the title Dr when they?ve done a PhD, worse still, using Lord or Sir. What are they trying to convey behind the title? That they?re more respectable, educated, or belong to a superior class of people?

Is ?a Mrs? more respectable than a Ms or Miss? I think all these promotes a very shallow, and in many cases, erroneous idea about who these people really are. You can be Lord, and still be a drunkard who beats his children up when he goes home.

You can be a single mum, and not therefore not be worthy of any titles, and treat your children with love and respect, and instil in them a sense of decency and humanity.

My issue with title using is that the title holder wants people to judge them because of that. They want to create the ?good first impression?. I?m usually weary of people who are to hung up on titles, and reserve my judgements for after I hear them talking or seen their behaviours or attitudes.

I used to have a Mrs MN username, it was meant to be a bit of a joke / disguise given that I am well known in RL for never using Mrs, however after coming on a few threads and arguing against the use of Mrs I decided the irony was probably wasted so I changed to a song title.

I didnt change my name on marriage, and I have a non-gender specific title. If I didnt I would use Ms. Mrs to me sounds a bit strange. I quite like that people cant tell my gender from my surname. I wouldnt want them to be able to know what my marital status was either.

I think some posters are mummy (and some daddy!) as that role was
In their minds when they joined.some of the Mrs titles are to do with admiring physique talent eg MrsCumberbatch - I wonder if many men use something like MrJolie as their forum name?

Is Madame equivalent to Mrs, or is the mademoiselle/Madame change broadly girl/woman like master/mr is supposed to be boy/man?

Mine's a song lyric...actually

Yes, I think we should def leave the title Mrs or Madame as nicknames only :) for women who want to sound important because they "caught" a man. It would be make women of the 24th century laugh.

For the rest of us, Ms is more than enough :)

Interestingly enough on this thread, only mmbovary has a nickname with a title in it, but that it is taken from a book as is anneelliott and doctrineofsnatch or is a pun, like eleanorhandbaskets usual non Halloween name change. Very few of us have a gender specific name either unlike zara or dudesmummy or girlwith up thread.

I wonder if this lack of gender definition, is representative only of the FWR topic, or would be similar across MN in general.

I think name changing for women is another vestige of old patriarchal values that has to be done away with completely.

I haven't changed my name and wouldn't do it either.

I think it's sooooo wrong for women to fall for that without thinking what they're doing.

I prefer it when couples decide to use both surnames for both of them, eg Looker-Smith and name the children that as well. Therefore the whole family is called the same, without the implication that women only "have to change".

Also, I would do away with the title "Mrs" altogether. It would be "Ms" or Mr" only. I don't need to know or to go about life making my civil status public or known.

Oh My PhylissDoris if changeing your name upon marriage for a women is a sign of 'growing up', I think you should really apply that rule to the man, he should give up his name in favour of his new partner, so he can at last grow up!
Who actually wants to be known as someones' Mrs in the 21st Century?

Men whether married or not are referred to as MR..but somehow women are expected to adopt a new title and name upon marriage that smacks of their ownership to another male....Mrs from Miss....
I refuse any title and woud never change my family name for someone elses no matter how awkward it might be....

Slaner keep your own name you have done so for the best of reasons....your choice, a matter of principle .....no effort to place your birth cert in your passport if it saves hassle.

I like the idea of blended names, if we had it would have been 'Hamland'. Love it, a land of ham...

Round here each keeping own name and giving child the fsther's surname is much more common. I only know two families with double-barrelled children, in one case the father was born double barrelled and the wife and children took his name, in the other the parents have kept thrir own names but double-barrelled the children. I do know two families where the wife has double barrelled her name with her husbands but neither the husband or children have double barrelled names, they all have father's surnames.

Haven't read past page 3 but here goes. I changed my name on marriage. I liked DH's name and I felt it would be nice to have the same name as we wanted to start a family, and we would be "the Joneses" (just an example). I understand those who don't want to, each to their own, but it was right for me. It'll be good when it's just as common for men to change as women, as I think it is nice for a family to have the same name. Having said that, someone I work with has changed his name to his wife's, and he gets a bit of stick for it which is a shame.

I also wonder about those who go double barrel, as it seems to be more and more common. What are all their kids going to do when they grow up if the trend continues, go quadruple barrelled? Serious question!

I've always liked Callaghan. However, Marshmallowpies - you have turned me onto Delaney. Yes, I like it.

Narrowboat yes fantasy surnames is a great topic...I like names ending in Y like Mulvaney, Fairley and Delaney, they have a nice ring to them. Also Fairfax as it sounds very romantic and dashing.

I love the idea of making up a new family surname. I wonder if dh would have gone for it if I had suggested that pre-marriage and kids.

Maybe in the baby name topic we should have a 'fantasy surname' thread. I think mine would have been Richmond. I would love to be Mz Richmond - no idea why. Sounds posh and the name of someone who always has a plan.

MoonHare - it's a great idea, the amalgamation, isn't it!

you didn't have to change your names strictly before she was born, though, DD was registered with her own surname even though neither of us had that name. (it did make thee registrar ask me if I was certain that my name was Don because DD's name had an extra 3 letters before the don part. )

slaner - my point was that if you don't want to change your name, then don't. It makes no sense to change your name just because "that's what's done" or because a silly man at passport control thinks it's easier for him

You obviously don't want to change your name, and that's your choice. you shouldn't be bullied into it because "it's easier". It really isn't.
:)