Responses to gender stereotyping children

Really, really hard.
I got rebuked by a mum for showing my daughter the best way of climbing trees.

She's now an accomplished rock climber.
at "typical girl"

"why is it typical girl?"

yes, questions like that with a completely baffled face normally silence people!

I have a boy and a girl and try to keep things 'neutral'.
now that ds is in school, he asks a lot 'is this for boys or girls' my standard answer is 'it's for both'.
for (relatively girly) dd we have a clothes rule: pink clothes are not allowed to be frilly. dc can wear what they want as long as it's weather appropriate.

"I wasn't aware that she had grown a penis in order to climb"

"i'm wearing blue today. I checked I had my penis before I did"

"We don't do gender stereotyping"

"and why can't girls climb? "

Oh, just look at them, typical boy and typical girl. What children playing with childrens toys?

Oh, just like having a boy then." No, just being a toddler.

I think Emmeline nailed it.

My DS had a lovely dolly for a while. You need a firm stare and a growl for situations like that. I just used to say "He's playing at being Daddy" when anyone said anything. Sad how often people mentioned it though.

If I'm right in thinking your main purpose in responding is so that your daughter overhears a rebuttal to the stereotyping then you need something equally short and simple to comment back. A long explanation won't stick in your daughters head and may come across as less sincere.

I normally try to say something like "Typical? Hardly!" with a big smile and then maybe (out of the other parent's hearing) something like "your cousin B never plays with trucks does he DD?"

But I also think you need to accept that she will hear this stereotyping a lot and you need to do most of the work outside of these interactions with others. Mainly by giving her the confidence to hold her own against peer pressure when she wants to, lots of positive reinforcement for anything she's interested in and wide, non-gender specific, experience. Then, when she's older, the insight to understand how our society creates and polices gender norms.

Perhaps the best way is to just respond in a matter of fact way.

For example with the first comment about "typical boy and typical girl," perhaps say one or two of the following sentences, "Actually, she also loves playing with tractors and tool sets. If I had a son, I would hope he would play with tea sets and dolls. I think it's so important children have the opportunity to be what they want to be and not be pushed into doing things adults think they SHOULD because they are boys or girls. I think it's so important that boys get a chance to be nurturing and caring and girls get a chance to be active and make things so they will be more rounded adults."

With the second scenario, try something similar, maybe like, "Oh, when I was a child, I was very active, more active even than my brother and I'm glad my daughter is so she'll be likely to remain fit, healthy and happy about her body. I'm quite concerned about so many girls being reluctant to do sport because they feel bad about how they look, so I want to encourage her to be active and healthy all I can," or even a slightly more sharp, short and sweet, "No, I just have a healthy, happy, active daughter."

Basically, it's not accusing the other parent of being "wrong," but stating what YOU feel to be the truth and why. That's less likely to be confrontational and most likely to be seen as "food for thought" rather than an insult.

However, that's not saying that other parents won't SEE your comments as an insult to them. They will firmly believe their views are right, are common sense, are natural, and you are the cranky one, trying to upset the apple cart with all your hippified, feminist claptrap about boys and girls not being all that different, not born "hard wired" to be princesses or pirates, choose the blue toy or the pink, etc. They will have invested alot in this "it's only natural for boys and girls to be different," crap, not just for their children, but perhaps in their own relationships.

So, be prepared to not be popular, but at least you'll keep your dignity and integrity. And, you never know when some of your pearls of wisdom might strike a chord, might make them think just that little bit differently about things, might lead them to do something a bit differently. It's always worth a try, and you'll keep more of your sanity than if you nod and smile as though you agree with them. Good luck!

You know, you could do a study on my two daughters. As far as I know, I have brought them up pretty well the same. The oldest (now 7) is a total "tom boy" - won't wear dresses or skirts, is the only girl in her year to wear shorts in the summer and trousers all through the winter, loves to climb, play sports, is into science, maths, "facts", will only read books that are "smelly and stinky", hates anything girly or pink, her best friend is a boy. Although she does have feminine characteristics if that makes sense - she is quite caring and nurturing, loves role play, school games etc. Then her sister, 4, is as "girly" as they come - loves all things pink and princessy, very creative, loves to sing and dance....I understand what you are saying as they do pick up on things and I worry about how things are going to go for my eldest but I think they will be what they will be whatever you do. Not sure that's any help!