Women subsumed into their children

The endless posts and pictures of happy gleaming children and cakes and new kitchen cupboards is not real. It is like women now wish to live in the pages of Sunday supplemements. It is highly corrosive.

As a FT working Mum I rarely get the occasion to indulge in conversations with other Mums about my/their children.

I don't see the issue re FB profile picture. I don't like having my photo taken and my profile picture shows the back of ds running through a formal garden. He can't be identified but people who know me would recognise him. I think that is a preferable picture than the gooning/drunken glass in hand ones that lots of people seem to choose. I don't think it means I identify myself as only a mother but then I suppose it depends how you choose to use fb. The only people who are my friends on fb have some connection to ds's school life. I'm not friends on fb with any real friends as I see my real friends and keep in touch with them in the old fashioned way - phone calls and seeing them.

I missed the rules re what the purpose of a 'profile' picture is on FB! Please point me in their direction ...............

Even MORE boring than someone talking about their kids all night at dinner/party/pub is someone talking about their JOB all night. Like I give a hoot what goes on in your office!! I rarely talk about work in the company of others and I'd be very pleased if others would do the same. The point is bores come in every flavour.

And in the 'livelier' corner of the room men are talking about their children, I kid you not about football, and ipods/Music from years gone by. Oh yes they are streets ahead in the conversation dept than the women talking about their children.

I speak of a very recent party of overly educated people.

I got DD to sleep in her buggy, got a wee bit drunk and danced the night away with the gays who are far less tedious though they do go on about their bloody cats.

I have all sorts as my FB profile piccy, including occasionally photos of my kids. As a FT working Mum I rarely get the occasion to indulge in conversations with other Mums about my/their children. I couldn't care less if someone thinks I'm lost because of this. I can assure you I'm not.

Just looked through my FB friends out of interest and the only one with a wedding profile pic is male!

I agree with Lurking and others who say that FB isn't massively reflective of real life. How could it be? You have to write statuses that are suitable for both your 65 year old aunt and the colleague who you snogged when you were 21. You have to bear in mind that friends of friends might see your picture and one or two things about you even at max privacy. It's hardly the place for raw home truths, is it? That'd be MN

lurking and that is my issue with FB.

None of it is real. It is a fiction. And yet it is the worst sort of fiction because it puts itself out as real.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you have a fascinating job, earn lots, buy lots of material goods, have expensive holidays and proclaim this over FB, then you are both boasting and gloating. If you have all this but choose instead to post things about home life, then you are subsuming yourself in your family.

I personally don't like people who post stupid comments that then invite others to ask how they are but they don't reply. I also do not give a shiny shit about the minutiae of others' lives in terms of what they had for breakfast or which salon they're now in. But I do care about seeing pics of their family and things which matter to them. When I chat to people on the phone, I expect the same sort of interaction - discussion of things which matter to them, and to me. That's what being friends with people is about, isn't it? Caring about what matters to each other.

Not shallow boring shit.

Some of my Facebook friends (who are real life mates) have pages that make their lives appear like they're a modern day 50's housewife, when in reality they're really funny women with fascinating jobs, friends and hobbies.

I wonder if a lot of it has to do with projecting yourself as how you want others to see you as opposed to what you actually are? My FB is all about funny pictures, petitions, discussing my volunteer work through inbox as the other vollies live too far away and occasionally posting some of my favourite poems/quotes. I guess given this info, I want people to see me as very light hearted, when in reality have a lot of issues to work through.

there's a sneer though isn't there? i can hear it through the ether.

basking it's not about putting anyone down.

But the idea that the wider world is interested in the minutae of any of our lives is a nonsense. Also, the sanitising of that life is what is wrong.

The endless posts and pictures of happy gleaming children and cakes and new kitchen cupboards is not real. It is like women now wish to live in the pages of Sunday supplemements. It is highly corrosive.

nooka:
I don't get why people put their child's face up where their own face is supposed to go either. I post pictures of my family to share with my wider family frequently (I no longer live in the UK) but not as my profile picture because that's not the purpose of the profile picture. My children are not my avatar, they are themselves (and lovely and gorgeous too, just not me). When you post a new set of pictures they get shared with all your friends (and whoever else you choose) so no need to put them as your profile picture.

This! Exactly this!

au contraire i think that being a mother is the most important job in the world, with the possible exceptation of finding a cure for cancer.

also think that housework is more important than is generally recognised.

fed up with the trite glamourisation of a 70's childhood. it was NOT all better then.

every individual's choice should be validated by others with the proviso that it is not damaging other people. honestly what does it matter what choices other women make? just because they have a baby photo on facebook it does not follow that we will all become muslim.

by looking down on women who stay at home, you are disempowering them and a part of the patriarcal system yourself.

Women do lose their individual identities (and often their jobs) when they have children.

This is very much a feminist issue because you don't see the same pattern in men when they become parents.

Having a DC has always been something women have been congratulated for (as long as they aren't poor or single). So women use this as a marker of their success if they have a lack of other 'successes' eg career/ social life.

I personally don't like to see it but I hate the white dress wedding photo as profile picture even more.

I am no fan of children's pictures as profile pictures. If I want to share snaps, I upload them to an album and people can look at them there, if they want.

Mind you, as my profile pic is of husband and me dressed up as starship troopers, maybe I am not best placed to judge...

Agree, I loath the twee, jokey attempts to avoid saying SAHM - you don't actually have to put your job on FB, if you don't want (and I don't).

Not sure what happened there

I dunno, I think it's just being funny rather than self conscious, like maybe if they worked for BA, they'd put Employer: the world's favourite airline... No, really.

I don't put any of that stuff on mine so maybe not best placed to comment there.

I know what you mean by those Lurking but I have seen other variations too.

I have a few examples such as "chief cook and bottle washer", "pro bum wiper" and "dogsbody" on my Facebook and they actually bug me because I think people put this kind of thing to avoid putting "SAHM" which would be perfectly acceptable.

To me personally its always made me think these people are ashamed of what they do which is sad, but why post some weird crap that trivialises and draws attention?

Does that make any sense? I am v.tired today :o

Some of the posts on here are quite disturbing IMO.

What I find odd is when under 'employment' there's 'slave to my litter master,' or 'full time nappy changer!'

Yes, those are both (IMO) real examples from my FB. I get putting SAHM mum or whatever but the first example in particular is...Kinda creepy. Maybe I just have a dirty mind

Ok so i regularly have photos of my dc not because im hiding but a bit like my name on i like to be able to change regularly.

Here are some of tge photos ive had recently;
Today it's a picture of me
topper from my friends cake
Apub sign
The queen
The dc
Me as a child
Dd
The scream
A UFO chocolate from m&s
A snowman made by dd
Me and ds
Ds

And that is the last year. All for personal reasons to me, analysise it however you like from a x number of people hide behind there dc, but that is too simplistic. I use it as a reflection of whatever I want to share certainly not what I want to hide.

Ps my first nn her had mummy in it . I've also had sweary, seasonal and piss take ones [shrugs]

A Santa hat
Me and my bro as children
Dc
Wear your poppy
Pumpkin
Choc muffin
Ds

I don't get why people put their child's face up where their own face is supposed to go either. I post pictures of my family to share with my wider family frequently (I no longer live in the UK) but not as my profile picture because that's not the purpose of the profile picture. My children are not my avatar, they are themselves (and lovely and gorgeous too, just not me). When you post a new set of pictures they get shared with all your friends (and whoever else you choose) so no need to put them as your profile picture.

I quite like silly photos/images as temporary profile pics, like the seasonal names here, for a bit of fun, but I think that's a bit different. I am quite anal with my facebook stuff though, and have it totally locked down. ds has just turned 13 and his facebook (for sharing with cousins only) is completely anonymous.

nailak's post.

my latest link from my timeline, posted by the author, who is a muslim woman with a pic of the cover of the magazine she runs as her avatar, wortha read thestrengthofawoman

Xenia Mon 03-Sep-12 22:02:55
I think 30% of the world will be muslim by 2013
www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2011/jan/28/muslim-population-country-projection-2030

If they all require their women to cover up then indeed women will disappear. If we add in women who really are nothing more than servants to the home and children and don't work we may well find women do indeed disappear. Instead if each mumsnetter ensures she keeps a public profile which is not purely domestic. seeks to lead at work, succeeds and the like then women will not disappear.

ffs really? Do you have muslim women on your fb? I have plenty and some of them have themselves as profile pics, some have anime avatars, some flyers of events, some their kids etc just like everyone else! lol.

and since when is wearing hijab equal to disappearing? firstly out of the proportion of muslim women in the world how many ocver in abayah and niqaab? secondly Muslim women work, volunteer etc, going back to my fb I have quite a few volontary organisations run by Muslim women, domestic violence one, a homestart sort of one, a counselling one, I have an archery school and a wrestling club and a gym run by muslim women, i have muslim women with pictures of themselves at demos in London outside Bangladeshi embassy and encouraging other Muslim women to come to demos, i have muslim women who run magazines such as sisters magazine, Lauren Booth is on my fb (tony Blairs sis in law who converted to Islam and works for press tv) .

I have my kids as my avatars, so what, people recognise me by my kids, my dh has our kids as his avatar and cover page thingy as well, would you accuse him of reducing himself to "only" a dad?

sometimes i post stuff about my kids, yeah i guess i thought thats what fb was about, an easy way for my family and friends and my dad etc around the world to keep in touch, see pics of my kids, when i was a kid i had my school photo sent around the world what is the difference?

sometimes I also post about politics, I am not really in to these i woke up and had a cup of tea type things, i post about world events, funny memes, stuff thats happening in our community like lectures, fairs etc,

and what is this "Only" a mum thing anyway? is that not demeaning a sahm's role? being a mum is not enough? you have to prove yourself by being something more? even if you are happy raising your children you are not good enough or woman enough or whatever if you are "only" a mum?