Congratulating women on getting married

I'm not married and never will get married although I'm in long term committed relationship. I feel happy to support the decisions others make. Your choices are not theirs.

I think it's odd too, feminists getting married. Even if we do it in the most unconventional, 'feminist' way and try our best, we're still in the end participating in a ceremony that's been used for centuries to reinforce male domination over women.

But we do all, surely, make compromises with the patriarchy for all sorts of reasons ... I don't know of good ways to avoid all of them and I don't believe anyone does.

I took my husbands name on marriage, because I wanted to be rid of my father's name.

and yes, there is a story behind that

I could have done it by deed poll too, that is true, but I was getting married anyway

I say "yay!" if it is what they want. I am not a materialist, but if someone buys a brand new car I don't get all down on them, I just say Nice car.

And I have one gay couple who have double-barrelled their last names (two laydees) and another where one took the others last name (two blokes).

My DH and I are also atheist...

i always think that it's a bit weird for a true feminist to want to get married at all

I married the man of my dreams, under an oak tree. We had a non-religious ceremony and we BOTH handmade our table decorations. He has changed his name to mine and any children we have will take my (our) name.

I changed my Facebook status though and my profile pic is me in a wedding dress with my DH, using props to make ourselves look as weird as possible.

Each to their own but I wanted something "fun" over traditional. My photographer did a collage of the "many faces of kick" because I have NO decorum whatsoever.

The best was that they accidentally changed my name to his and we discovered that when we went to apply for new passports after our honeymoon (locally). I had to tell them to fucking change it back chop chop

But they gay person who's being told to keep quiet isn't wanting to evangelise about homosexuality, whereas you are. It is different.

I am by no means anti-marriage, although I disagree with probably the majority of what goes on and is said about most wedding ceremonies I've been to or heard about.

Can you not perhaps limit yourself to stuff like 'X seems a great guy' or 'hope you had good fun' or something similar, that implies you care about them but doesn't comment what the day was about or what X has just become to them?

muddle "financial reasons" can simply mean security for a SAHM with small children

nothing more sinister than that

I suppose I regard it in the same way I would any significant event in a friend or colleagues life, particularly one they regard as positive, and wish them well, whether or not I personally see it as a "good" thing for them or for me if I were in their shoes.

tolerance works both ways

I didn't have a frock, had just the reg office, limited "vows" and I have never done my DH's ironing

he is still my darling husband though, nothing wrong with that

if the cap fits, fine (if it doesn't, you have another problem)

it's not lying, it's being polite - some people like that sort of thing
a lot for financial reasons by the look of this thread
just be glad you are free from the obligation

I congratulate them on finding someone that makes them happy and that they want to spend the rest of their life with.

I am married, but didn't have a wedding, don't wear a ring etc etc, we married because we wanted to be together and wanted the security that it offers - incidentally DH was primary carer when DS was little so needed the financial protection.

good prezzie, belle !

Why is varying the name of your father and all your male forefathers more feminist than carrying that of your partner?

Why is the name we were given at birth not considered to be our name? Why is the husband's name from birth considered to be "his" but a woman's name is just borrowed from her father?

To answer the OP, I wish them well and give a copy of Wifework!

marriage makes my eyes glaze over, personally
but I'm prepared to make the conventional noises, as you do

I don't object to marriage as a personal choice, but I do find its continuing centrality to our culture quite odd, and I can't bear all the romantic flummery around it. And all those OTT vows, which in practice very few people keep to the letter... but I guess the point is that the saying of the vows binds a couple closer together?

I don't mention my views on marriage to my married friends as I wouldn't want to sound like I was criticising them personally, and clearly lots of people are very well suited to married life. By the same token they are polite enough not to comment disparagingly on my life of happy singleness.

However, I do say something if people make stereotypical comments on roles within marriage, e.g. wives ironing husbands' shirts or whatever. I think that's fair game.

I got married for the legal protection of my dc's before I had them. So for that reason, I may not agree with it's premise, but I go along with it

I was lucky with my partner though (so far....) so it has enhanced my life. I am very well aware it doesn't have that effect for all women.

I'm quite anti-marriage (because of its historically oppressive, proprietal nature), but I got married because it was important to DH, and he is able to handle my ambivalence about my marital status and lack of wedding ring wearing etc.

That said, if it is important to another couple and they seem really happy together, want to get married etc, then what's not to congratulate? I honestly wish any marrying couple well, because I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone.

I am a staunch feminist that believes in marriage, so I am possibly the wrong person for your thread

It's a personal thing though. I have a good marriage, and wish it for others. I believe in marriage as an equal partnership (hetero, or same-sex), so I couldn't feel good about congratulating someone who wasn't in the same situation.

That would hold the same weight for any kind of relationship though. If it's a bad one, it's not due congratulations.

Oh, okay then.

I'm not anti-marriage. Not in general.

I'll discuss why you are, if you like, and be open to exploring why marriage might not be a positive thing (because I agree that it isn't always)

But if you only want to talk to people who agree with you then I'll stop typing.

Well, I wouldn't feel that myself, but I think it's only part of MK's reasoning.

It depends how you feel ... I'd reckon a relationship (marriage or not) that breaks up isn't a failure or a disaster if people were more happy than not or learned something, or whatever. We all probably have ''good'' relationships in our pasts that still ended.

But if you feel strongly about how marriage is meant to be forever and then often proves not to be, maybe it's different?