Congratulating women on getting married

night, LRD

cheese? wtf?
i think we should stop judging each other's choices tbh, cheese or no cheese

muddle I would come to your not-being-married-party as happily as a wedding party

as long as there was cake

I don't think I've ever been so confused by a three-line post, germy! Sorry, obviously time for bed for me, I've no idea what you mean but I'm sure it's very wise.

AF, I do hope those were your actual vows? 'I love my H and forsake all others until such time as I change my mind'. Great stuff.

like that bloke in blur, can't just go off and make cheese quietly, has to have numerous articles printed about it in the sunday supplements

How do you handle it? You treat them as intelligent women who have made a choice that is right for them. It doesn't really matter how you feel about marriage, it matters how they feel about it.

i dunno, i just think if i were a feminist, in the way i think of them, being married just wouldn't be an option

maybe i am a feminist though thinking about it, not married, happy with same partner for 20 years

i do think alot of feminists need and love to announce it to all and sundry

I quite fancy a wedding, I have to say. I like a party. It's the idea of marriage that makes me feel really quite ill.

That's not me being a twat by the way :) Even if it sounds like it

Would you chose to be as outspoken over a gay couple or a mate who wants an abortion or racism or anyone else who lives a different life?

Being a feminist doesn't mean you get some kind of ticket to tell people what you don't like because you're a woman and a feminist.

People are as entitled to their own opinions and lives as you are. If you don't like marriage, you can nicely suck it up and say "congratulations" and then go do whatever it is you do in your spare time.

I am so far from being a feminist. I like my relationship with my husband. I like that he took on my name - not for feminist reasons but just for a family history reason (on both our parts).

Each to their own though. And if you want to verbally express a negative view on marriage as a feminist, don't get all wound up if people verbally express a negative view on feminists. It's all swings and roundabouts.

9 out of 10, really - that high?
my dc got my name, I am surprised

I am not from a middle class family

my family don't give a shit about me, so I certainly don't want to please them

I do however, believe very strongly in my own nuclear "family" and I protect their interests in the best way legally I can (which whether we like it or not, being married is the most direct and easiest way to do that... unless you have a H who gambles the family silver which is another thread)

I also love my H and forsake all others until such time as I change my mind (the same for him)

he does his share of parenting/housework/family support etc though, as do I

they do get all the flaming tableware though.
maybe I should have a not getting married party

I'm very happy for my friends who find love, whether they decide to make a public declaration or not. Some of the more traditional stuff that surrounds weddings can be a bit eek - the men making the speeches while the women stay quiet (thankfully that is slowly changing - when I made a speech at my wedding it was quite unusual, more common now).

There's been a lot of dodgy baggage around marriage in the past but I do think it is evolving - and there's plenty of sexism around partnerships too. WTF is it that 9 times out of ten, the children automatically get their Father's name, not their Mothers, even when the parents aren't married, for instance?

Margery - I will come back and read the thread tomorrow. Just wanted to say that my dh's facebook photo is of the two of us on our wedding day. Always has been. Mine isn't, not has it ever been.

Mind you I frequently do the same when people announce first pregnancies. 'Congratulations' I trill, while privately wondering why in hell's name they deliberately chose to ruin their lives....

What if you are feminist and your principles include marriage, though, germy?

why? feminism is about choices no? if you choose to get married not? It's not for me and I struggle to understand it but if it's fair and equal why not?

I do tend to congratulate, but am often doing it in a rather 'what the hell are you doing that for' way.

it just seems to go against everything feminism stands for (imo anyway)

i imagine most women (who think themselves feminists) do so to keep that status quo in their probably middle class families

i think 'true' feminists wouldn't worry what their families thought and would stick to their principles

Sorry, married, I cross-posted.

As I see it, you have two 'tact' options: the first is to make your views subtly known by linking to articles on FB about your views on marriage, or by commenting on your beliefs in the context of current events rather than personal events.

This sort-of works for some stuff - my cousins have at least stopped asking me all the time when I'm going to change my name as a result of this sort of thing.

The second option is to find something, however small, you can honestly be happy about that's happened to your friend, and to comment on that. That way they will know you care about them, but you won't have to lie.

I didn't change my mind, I didn't have a big White dress, I didn't lose my identity.

Not all marriages are the same.

why germy, can you explain ?

not all "true" feminists are against marriage

I am against bad marriages

most marriages are not bad, all of the time, when they are I believe in making it easy to dissolve them

I rail against society's pressure on women to always make the sacrifices, but that hasn't been my personal experience

oh absolutely
the concept of bringing dc up alone can be daunting, and there's no doubt divorcees get much improved provision
op many of my friends live in ways I wouldn't choose, but we refrain from being bigoted about each other. People with different life choices can still get along

I don't think it's comparable to telling gay people not to come out - someone's opinion of marriage is just that, an opinion, and it's perfectly possible to keep one's mouth shut about it. Denying one's sexuality is a whole different ball game.

Being friends with people often involves a certain amount of keeping one's views to oneself. I'm sure some of the vegetarians of my acquaintance regard meat-eating with real horror, but they wouldn't tell me so directly.