Congratulating women on getting married

I'm a feminist, and married. I didn't have the big white wedding but marriage is important to me and my husband and I are without a doubt equal I am in charge.

We joined names which many people didn't understand. I admit to being surprised that all of my female friends, and indeed every married woman on my facebook have changed their name to their husband's though. Their choice- just wish I would get less reactions to why I wanted to double barrell.

How do other feminists handle their friends weddings?

I'm happy for them.

If you do say anything I expect that you will (quite rightly) be told to mind your own business!

Ok maybe because in the small sample of people I know who are getting married/ have recently married they aren't doing it for the 'we are equals and we love each other' reasons. They are jumping on the peer pressure band wagon because all their friends are doing it. It's like being back in high school when some girls start having sex with their boyfriends just cos all their friends are doing the same. Not because they actually want to.

Surely anyone could discuss this, whether you are anti-marriage in general or not.

What do you say if you think that the marriage someone is embarking upon will make them unhappy in the long run?

I don't know the answer to that. I would like to think there is something you could say, but maybe SGB is right and the time has passed and if they are announcing their intentions to get married it's too late.

I don't think that anyone can possibly know why someone is getting married. It is a huge leap to assume they are just following peers I can't recall telling people why I was getting married - people don't generally.

And, for balance, DH was anti-marriage until i proposed to him, btw!

If I get bored of him, I already have first dibs on Alex James, though.

But then you can entice them into having sex with you, which hopefully makes you sleepy again!

Maybe that's why they bring you the tea in the first place

I will always congratulate someone on getting to do something that makes them happy.

Besides, isn't the point of feminism that women get to make a choice? That would include chosing whether to not get married or get married. And a healthy marriage doesn't involve a loss of identity. A name is just a name in the end. Is it any more feminist to keep my father's surname than take my husband's? The real identity comes in who you are and if who you are includes feeling estremely happy in the company of a particular person, then why should you be able to dictate that that's disappointing and wrong for them?

(One excellent reason not to get married: you'll get ready to go to bed and your loving DH will bring you a cuppa, which you will drink without thinking before realizing you're now nicely caffinated and not sleepy any more. The cruelty!)

I could get behind all of that, though, margery, I reckon lots of us could. It is rotten seeing friends doing stuff when you feel it's for the wrong reasons. A lovely friend of mine is with a total wanker and I find it hard to bite my tongue about that, too.

But I'm sure she thinks there are mistakes I'm making, and she's watching me thinking 'well, it's a lesson she'll have to learn', too.

MK: I think this does happen sometimes; women marry because everyone else is doing so and/or they are under pressure not to be single. Are you being given shit about your own unmarried status?

It could just be that you have outgrown or are outgrowing this particular set of friends and that's why you're finding all their weddings so irritating. In general, though, if people are doing something that's making them happy and not harming you, it's probably best to say something like 'How nice for you' and move on. Even if they are marrying for bad reasons (desperation not to be single, inertia ie they've been going out with their partners for ages and it's all basically OK so they might as well...) they won't thank you for criticizing their choices. Even if they know, deep down, that you are right.

I don't understand the problem- it isn't about you. It would be a boring world if everyone thought the same. Be happy for them and happy for yourself and your choices.

I never wanted to marry until I met dh, it just felt right. No other man had made me feel like that. I changed my name to his purely because I have a very complicated first name & his surname was easier to spell than my surname.

I have 2 friends who should never have married their husbands but I went to their weddings & smiled. They know I will be there for them if they ever have the guts to leave. I am anti marriage when it comes to them.

take my advice, do not marry anyone with poor personal hygiene

it won't end well

Good point.

oh, don't go there with the body cheese...

unless it's body cheese

If a man makes cheese that is reason enough to marry him in my book.

There must be lots of occasions in life where people make choices that you personally disagree with, OP. So I am an atheist but when my friend was ordained as a lay member of a religious order, I didn't say "WTF" I congratulated her on a choice that was right for her.

With close friends you could go as far as to say "well, it's not for me but this is about you and I wish you all the very best". But you're hardly going to recruit anyone to the anti-marriage cause who's in the process of actually getting married. Wait a couple of years and I think you might have more success

she wore blueeue stilton
I love a nice stilton
where are you op?

Night AF. I am going, honest.

yup there would be stacks of cheesecake
I have to find someone to be not married to first I guess
on second thoughts i think I will wait and call it a 50th
bit down the line but I'll hold you to that

I cannot let that go, unholy. It's Coleston Bassett stilton, or I Will Judge.

Law of nature.

A very fine MNer is planning a wedding with such stilton atm. (irrelevant, but it makes me happy)

MI, you throw great parties.

I was very anti-marriage on feminist grounds, and having experienced my Father's two divorces, until dh changed my mind and I realised I did want to be with him for the rest of our days and quite liked the idea of celebrating that. But we did our own thing, and had our own style of ceremony.