Am I wrong to tell DD she is beautiful?

Kind of related, this from Zoe Williams in The Guardian the other day starts with a father, proud of his Olympian son, calling him a beautiful boy

I have also called ds and dd beautiful (and yes, clever, funny, kind etc too)

chipping - no, I only meant that I think discussions about beauty are unnecessary for children. After all, beauty is subjective, "in the eye of the beholder", and of course I think my daughter is beautiful, 'cos she's mine!!

My son looked in the mirror today and said 'gosh I am so handsome it's ridiculous' I tell him every day heis beautiful and funny and brave and clever. Because he is and I adore him. ( am weeping writing this as about bo have second baby on friday and am a bag of hormones)

biryani - you think it's unnecessary for your daughter to know that her mother thinks she's beautiful?? I think it's important for a daughter to know her parents think she's beautiful I think you risk making your daughter insecure as your mother did you, but from the exact opposite direction, which would be really sad as that's what you are trying to avoid.

I steer clear of telling DD she's beautiful etc, because I feel it's unnecessary. If she asked, I'm not sure what I would say, to be honest!!

When I was little, my mother was constantly going on about how pretty/ plain my friends were, and later on I developed a bit of a complex, although it didn't bother me at the time. I'm not sure if she meant anything by it - times were different then - but I did grow up feeling very insecure about my looks, and still do.

From a feminist point of view, I think I'd say that looks don't matter and try to emphasise other things that I think matter more (or should do!!) like values, strength of character, etc.

I tell my DSs they're beautiful (they are!), and I'm sure I'd tell a girl if I had a daughter. I also tell them they're clever, good at drawing, good at banging on bloody drums music, brave climbers and good at dinosaur science. Trying for well-rounded here! I think it's only ever a problem if, when you praise a child, you offer that praise conditionally. (Am in no way an 'Unconditional Parent' btw.)

And of course you tailor the compliments/praise to fit the recipient - if you have a daughter (or son) who hates being complimented, or shrugs angrily if you say they're beautiful, then probably best not to piss them off.

Dh and I both tell my ds he is beautiful all the time. It's not about how he looks, he's the apple of our eyes, his beauty is to us and nothing to do with appearance. Did you see the interview with Chad le Clos's dad saying "look at my beautiful boy, he's so beautiful". Chad is definitely a looker but his dad was just emotional and proud and I don't think it was because of his son's attractiveness!

I tell my 4.5DS he is handsome and my 16m DD she is pretty (both true). I make more 'clever, brave, helpful' etc remarks particularly when they try something new & are successful, I also praise them for trying a new thing be it an activity, a new food or something else.
I think statements like these can instill confidence in children which will last a lifetime (hopefully)
DD is not a 'typical girl' (hate that type of phrase), she seems to think she's a 4 year old boy! DH and I love it - we try hard not to force stereotypes on our DC, although DD looks lovely in a dress.
I think the key is to make your DC feel valued and loved for the person they are, regardless of gender IMO.

I never understand why people have to be stingy with compliments-as long as beauty isn't elevated above everything else.

I wish my mother had told me I was beautiful. What I heard from her is "You'd be so beautiful if you'd only..." lose weight, brush hair, wear different clothes etc. I don't think about my appearance all that much, but when I do, I often have a vague sense of falling short.

I say it to my DD a lot, mainly because I can't help it. She's mixed race, so I also tell her very specifically that her skin is a beautiful colour, and she has lovely eyes, like her dad. But I tell her she's funny and clever and a good runner and kind as well.

agree with Dinky and Lifeis, beauty is about so much more than looks. I want DD to aspire to be a lovely person. I tell my daughter she is beautiful, funny, clever, silly, lively, cute and just wonderful. Most of I all tell her I love her. I think the harm comes when all they hear about is beauty. Our children need to know we value everything about them.

I'm sorry you have had these experiences, Lifeissweet, and totally understand where you're coming from. Entirely agree that your parents (and, indeed, everyone's parents) should encourage the idea that everyone is beautiful in their own way, which isn't necessarily related to conventional aesthetics.

Again, I entirely agree with you, Mooncup. I speak as someone who was brought up exactly as you were. In my house out appearance was of little or no importance and I still spend no money on clothes and can rarely be bothered with make-up. However, I also had a very naturally beautiful sister and, although my parents never commented on it, we were constantly told how beautiful she was by everyone we ever met (it felt to me). I think it would have gone a long way to helping my own self-esteem if I had been given the sense that I had things about me that were appealing at least.

Incidentally, my sister is also braver, more talented, brighter, more musical, more sporty...so emphasising my other qualities was never going to help with that either.

It has caused me problems in relationships. My confidence in my appearance is rock bottom and I can't accept compliments. I just feel ugly and I can try to persuade myself that it doesn't matter because there are more important things, but I can't help feeling extremely depressed about it at times. I do think that if my parents had made me feel good about myself in that respect I would have been more comfortable in my own skin.

I know what you are saying is right and I completely agree. I just think that as well as giving the message that appearance is just one (and a rather unimportant) part of a person, we should also encourage the message that there is not one definition of beauty and that everyone is beautiful in their own way - whether that is just a smile that shines or an inner peace - or something.

I don't know if I agree with that, Lifeissweet - I grew up in a family where appearance was considered very unimportant, and don't remember ever having been told I was beautiful (though my parents would compliment me if I dressed up nicely for an event or whatever).

I internalised their values, which meant that until the age of 17 or 18 I dressed like an absent-minded tramp, but it also meant I spent minimal time fretting about my appearance and lots of time climbing trees, reading books, playing music etc etc. As an adult I realised that I needed to make a bit of effort with my appearance for social/professional reasons, but it is still a long way down my list of priorities.

I don't have children myself, but always find it odd when I hear people repeatedly telling their children they're beautiful... little children don't really have a concept of beauty and I don't see why it's helpful to make a big thing of it (though of course if they're worried about their appearance one should reassure them). Isn't it better to compliment children on things they do rather than things they are?

No - I tell DS1 and DS2 they are beautiful. I also explain that being beautiful means being a good person inside too and having a big heart and lovely nature

I think it's really very difficult to take the personal is political line on this one. As much as I take Belle's point, we are living in a world that values beauty. Yes, that is wrong and, yes we need to emphasise our children's more important qualities, but to avoid commenting on a child's beauty is confusing in a world that values that trait so highly.

As others have said above, when parents do not tell their children they are beautiful, they grow up thinking they are not, which is damaging to their self-esteem when wider society deems that so important.

We are not in a situation yet where comments on visual appearance are simply statements of fact. For many (girls in particular) those comments are statements of worth. This is, of course, wrong, but while it is a fact of life, I would be uncomfortable trying to change the world at the expense of my children's self-esteem.

I would prefer to tell my children that they are beautiful, while emphasising that there are other things about them that are more important: 'Yes, you are beautiful, but I am more proud of your brains / strength / kindness'

Also, as I have said above, I do see a difference between beauty and what is 'pretty' and I think we need to reclaim the word. We can only do that by using the beautiful label for less conventional qualities. My DD's pale skin and freckles are beautiful and I would like her to accept that. If we stop commenting completely we risk children getting their messages on beauty from elsewhere and reaching the conclusion that their less-than-conventional qualities make them less beautiful.

who is saying that beauty is the only 'true' compliment?

i agree with you Belle, that girls should be praised or complimented on their achievements and attributes, but if you are not complimented on your looks as a child it can have a detrimental effect on you as an adult.

if my dd was not beautiful i would find a tactful way of telling her that too. she needs the truth about herself, i would be remiss if i did not make her aware of the way she looks.

totally agree that looks are superficial.

I call my son beautiful, gorgeous all the time, never considered whether it was right or wrong. I just can't help it, he IS beautiful & usually the words pop out before I think about it!

He's only 2.5 though so hasn't got too many other character traits to comment on yet, but we do tell him he's good/clever etc

I frequently tell the DDs they are beautiful. I can't really stop myself, because to me they are. I also praise kindness, courage, thoughtfulness and their spirit of adventure. I emphasise how strong and healthy they are and that they can do whatever they set their mind to. Beauty is one part of a package of things I love about them. I also tell them that I will carry on loving them regardless of their looks or achievements.

I'm an LP and they've seen me do DIY, I've taken them on holiday alone several times, worked FT to get into a new career etc. People regularly comment that they have got a good role model in me. So damn it, I will tell them they are gorgeous. DD2 tells me I am gorgeous when she wants a biscuit

And to just counter Belle's argument for a second - my Mum never told me I was beautiful or pretty or anything until I was in my late twenties - which was a) a bit late and b) a real shock - I'd grown up thinking I was really plain and uninteresting.

I will always remember a mother I met, whose daughter had been born with a hare lip. When the operation was done to mend it, the mother said "She is beautiful now - well, she was always beautiful, but now she is glamorous too", and I have never forgotten that. Beautiful means inside - what shines from inside.

I tell DS (4.8) he is beautiful, he returns the compliment, bless him! And he accepts that statement.

However, oddly enough, he won't accept it when I tell him he has beautiful eyes - someone (MIL or her extremely annoying friend) has told him he can't have beautiful eyes because he's a boy so I "have" to call them handsome instead. Bugger that! Can't be doing with stupid gender stereotyping of adjectives.

(and I think Johnny Depp was a beautiful young man, as it happens )

Of course I do also tell DS that he's kind, helpful, clever, lovely etc, as well - but see no harm in telling him how beautiful he is to me.

Looking at it the other way, why are you (we) so invested in using beautiful as synonymous with "I love you".

Because we all know that in our society being beautiful counts for more than being say, kind, witty, clever. Any other talents on their own are not enough, even being a world class athlete - see all the threads about female Olympians and their looks.

So for those whose daughters are more on the plain side, "Mummy thinks you are beautiful" - is a consolation prize, that at least she matches up in someone's eyes and someone loves her.

What needs to happen in the feminist utopia is that other talents and skills are valued so that "beauty" is not the only true compliment and we can express our love for our children in other ways.

Of course you can Dita.

(How are things going with her now? It's been a while since I've seen you posting about her somewhat challenging behaviour? Are things still good )

Belle - none of that is relevant to knowing your parents think you are beautiful.