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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Fighting the battle at home....

30 replies

rogersmellyonthetelly · 20/07/2012 09:04

Last night i was trying to teach my 6yo dd and 7yo ds to sew. I think this is a useful life skill. Ds was really struggling, and dh said its ok, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, you are a boy and boys don't have to sew. Cue volcanic eruption from me. Why don't boys have to sew? Because girls can? What a crock of shit. He does sometimes come out with shit like this to wind me up, not because he actually thinks it particularly, but we do like having a good old feminist/chauvenist argument, but I don't like it when he spouts stuff like that in front of the kids who don't know a joke from a serious comment.
Anyhow, we then had a very heated discussion because he said men sewing was demeaning, and I said not as demeaning as having to wait for a woman to come along and do it for him! He walked off muttering but later came to apologise for having got so cross, apparently it annoys him when I'm always right.

I will teach both my kids to cook, clean, iron and keep house, I will also teach them both to DIY, decorate, use a drill, change a car wheel, check oil etc so they are self sufficient and not in need of anyone to do stuff for them.
My mum and dad taught me all of the above, and i can honestly say i have never "needed" a man for anything other than companionship and obviously sex. This is how i think it should be.

OP posts:
KRITIQ · 20/07/2012 10:25

Your DH must lead a sheltered life if he thinks all tailors are women. Hmm

I would feel deeply saddened by a comment suggesting that any task or responsibility commonly associated with women would be "demeaning" if a man were asked to do it. It's an insult to those men who do what they want to do rather than because they think what's in their pants is more important than what's in their heads and hearts. It's also shows little regard for the value of women and girls, if it's acceptable for them to undertake "demeaning" tasks but that men and boys are "above that."

He feels the need to wind you up and put you down when you are right about things? Geez, does he think he's entitled to think and do something that's wrong, just because he's a bloke?

It sounds as though you are doing the right things for your children, to help them be true to the people that they are, not constricted by gender stereotypes. But it does sound as though your DH is trying to undermine that, which means it's always going to be a struggle.

Working around him is one way of trying to make sure things are different for your kids, but is there any chance of a proper heart to heart with him, to explain why you are not happy with his comments, the message these send about how little he seems to value you and your daughter, how it hurts you, how it could be hurtful to both your children, that sort of thing? Or do you think he'll just brush it off as you being over the top or nagging? Do you feel he really has a grasp of sexual inequality in wider society?

Wishing you all the best in whatever you do on this.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 20/07/2012 09:52

Dh will be teaching them to cook and wash the clothes, whilst I'm perfectly capable of doing both I don't enjoy either, he enjoys cooking and doesnt mind washing. DIY is more my thing!
Changing a wheel is really easy, loosen the nuts with the socket tool before jacking up, as you need quite a bit of pressure for this and once jacked up the wheel can move making it harder. Next jack your car up using the nearest jacking point to the flat tyre. Once jacked up, remove all the nuts starting with the bottom one, then the side 2 then the top one last. Put your leg against the wheel as you take the top Nut off to keep the wheel on the bolts. Now carefully drop the wheel off the bolts, wheel it round to the boot and get the spare out. Lift the spare onto the bolts, this is the hardest bit, as it's heavy. As soon as its on, put your top bolt on, then the bottom, then the sides. Tighten all of them one after the other, then tighten again. Let your jack down and tighten the nuts again as tight as you can. put spare wheel and tools back in boot. Job done.

OP posts:
messyisthenewtidy · 20/07/2012 09:39

You are doing the right thing. Point DH to the fact that marriages where the DHs do more housework are less likely to result in divorce.

Also, kudos on teaching your DDs how to change a tyre. I still can't change one because I have relied on my DF and it makes me feel ashamed of myself.

Huansagain · 20/07/2012 09:34

Isn't your partner going to teach them anything or are you going to do it all?

What message does that send?

I'm a single-dad, I'm teaching my children how trivial housework is, do the bare minimum and never iron.

Portofino · 20/07/2012 09:28

I think you have to just keep going as you are - sounds like you are doing an excellent job - and address these things as they come up. My dh can be a bit similar - he is not very impressed with my new found feminist leanings. But I don't intend to give in.

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