support thread: bringing up girls

I haven't got a daughter, but I was one! One of the biggest favours my mum did for me (unconsciously I think) was not mention weight or how much I ate or went on a diet at all while I was growing up. She just provided us with a balanced diet and the opportunity for plenty of exercise (we lived in the middle of nowhere so exercise was a necessity to get anywhere independently!)

Another thing she did really well (and my Dad) was encourage me academically and professionally to go in whichever direction I wanted. I was sporty and into science and they encouraged me.

And finally my Mum had an excellent moral compass especially when it came to relationships. I had a verbally abusive relationship when I was younger and I remember her telling me that I couldn't spend my life with someone where I have to watch what I say. I didn't act on it at the time but remembered it later and of course she was right. Spotting abusive relationships and red flags would be on my list to teach daughters. In fact taking the emphasis off having a relationship at all (not sure how you would do that and counteract the masses of media telling women their worth is being with a man).

That's quite interesting - I've found gender neutral harder as a parent of both boys and girls although mainly because of other people and the stuff they do!

I definitely parent in a different way to how I was parented (I also have a very different relationship with DH to the one my parents have). Things I plan to do differently with my teens:

No double standards with sex and alcohol. My mum doesn't like drunkeness at all but reacted way worse the few times I got mildly drunk trashed than when my brothers did and I was never allowed boyfriends staying in my room (or male friends - this really pissed me off as they would have been on a mattress on the floor and nothing would have gone on but my mum never trusted us) and her attitudes to sex affected me and that took a long time to get over. I wasn't allowed DH in the same room as me until we were married where as my brothers had girlfriends stay over

Encourage them to do the sports they want to do, not the ones I want them to do. Again - I wanted to do rowing, as did my dad, and my mum didn't because my shoulders were 'already big enough' and she wanted me to do athletics (which I also enjoyed and ended up competing for my club). She won because she said if I did athletics she'd take me but if I did rowing my dad had to.

Tidying housework - they will have autonomy over their bedrooms to a degree but tidying wilol be done by them. I will not expect DD to be tidier just because she's a girl

Great idea.

I'm marking my place to come back later and read properly but my main advice is to be a good example to your daughter.

Theories are meaningless if your DD sees that daddy always puts the bins out to 'help mummy with the housework' and mummy doesn't put petrol in the car cause it's a man's job.

Great idea for a thread! I have been thinking about this a lot recently since dd1 told dh that he doesn't do any cooking (actually he does but it is mainly for us after they are in bed because he doesn't get home until their tea time - but it made me realise how much more I cook at weekends, mainly because he spends more time with them to make up for seeing less of them in the week). My girls are 6 and 3 so have to pitch things at their level.

I try never to say anything about diets, losing weight etc in front of them. When I talk about going to the gym I talk in terms of being fit and strong rather than anything else.

I've told them both about feminists in history (suffragettes etc) just in terms of stories and how some silly people thought women weren't as clever as men. I've also told them that some people still think that. I've also told them about racism and homophobia in age appropriate ways. For example my cousin is a lesbian and we've talked about how women can live with or marry women in the same way I live with dh but that some people say they shouldn't. we watched horrible histories and talked about Mary Seacole too. At their age I think they have a strong sense of fairness and unfairness so we talk quite a bit about what some silly people think.

Dd1 and I talk quite a lot about how people think girls have to like pink and that boys can't like pink and how this is silly. We watched this video about lego and talked about it quite a bit.

We talk about how if people say they are your friend they should be nice to you. This is mainly at the moment to deal with some girls in her class who keep saying they are her friends but are then horrible to her but I think the lesson is vital for life really. Someone who says treats you like shit doesn't love you no matter what they say.

DH and I both try to model relationships based on respect and although I work part time so do more around the house than he does we both pull our weight and he does is share of domestic tasks.

I am involved in some VAW work which I don't talk about at the moment because I can't find a way to talk about it which is suitable for their ages. But I will in future. I do talk about feminism, say that I am a feminist and give examples that I think they can understand.
HTH - looking forward to other people's tips

I have 3 dd's and I struggle. I so want them to be tomboys who are not afraid of being different / going against stereotypes....I have a long way to go.

I'm bookmarking here for ideas. It does help that dh does most of the cooking and ironing and I do most of the DIY and cleaning so we do share household tasks. The difficult bit is inspiring them to think beyond stereotypes in terms of careers (they are still at an age where they want to be like Mummy (I was a nurse!)). To make them more aware of other positive role models.

I'm interested too. I my DC3 is a DD of 3yrs. I try to be as gender neutral wih all of them as I can but find that other people (like my mother) are so keen to stereoptype and treat them differently. Often they don't even realise that they are doing it as their attutudes are so deeply ingrained.

The main things I do are:

Be careful about the books we read and the messages contained. I change sex of characters if I feel I need to.

Have a wide range of toys available to all of them and not jsut have 'her' toys in her room and the boys' in their room.

I'm a SAHM so dividsion of chores is problematic for me but usually I make sure that they DC realise what I do in the home is just as important and valid as what DH does going out to work. At weekends DH does equal amounts of housework/childcare (often more) and will do stuff in the evenings once he's home if it needs doing.

I don't leave the 'male' jobs down to DH - I move furniture, garden, change lightbulbs and lift heavy stuff quite cheerfully myself.

I don't criticise, or in fact talk about, other women's appearances. I also don't do the thing I've noticed people doing where they tell girls how pretty they are and then talk to boys about their interests and what they've been up ot as if appearance is all that matters about girls where as boys are real complex little people .