support thread: bringing up girls

Every time one of my children defines colours/objects as for girls or boys they are corrected. this! i have never defined toys by gender, by children at various ages have done and i have corrected them the elder 3 who are 12, 10 and 7 dont do it anymore, infact ds3 LOVES tutus and fairy outfits and all things pink and sparkly! but my ds4 who is just 4 will refer to things as 'girly' or for girls and i always correct him!

and i find myself calling dd beautiful but i also tell her she is smart and strong etc, equally i tell the boys they are handsome but also tell them they are smart and thoughtful/caring etc. i guess its all about balance?

Posie
That is a tricky one - the compliments. I find that DD is told, "you are looking pretty" and DS is told, "aren't you clever" by grandparents.

We have just bought a house and the DC will for the very first time be able to decide on the colours and decor of their rooms. Will be interesting to see what they choose.

my nephew chose a bright pink arm cast when he broke his arm.

Sexism and stereotypes happen by osmosis, you have to be really resilient to fight it. We don't eradicate it here, but we do offer an alternative. Today is 'dress up pirate day at school', my dd is five and, so I'm told, striking and beautiful. She wore Jack sparrow dressing up outfit, unlike every other girl (bar the one they call a 'tomboy') who were Pirate Princesses. It was a really proud moment, not only is she bucking the trend but she did it without thought. Everywhere, and I do mean everywhere, people ask her name and tell her she's beautiful, little else, my boys are beuatiful too, but people barely pass comment on this, comparatively, and it certainly isn't the only thing they say.

At 2-3.5yrs old dd would wear no other colour but pink, without a huge fight, and for the whole of '3' she would not wear shorts or trousers without a fight.
She wants to be a doctor when she grows up, her room is pink, she does not have a Barbie, she does have baby dolls, a kitchen, ironing board (all wooden but a bit pink). She loves being a girl but as yet is not limited by this.

Every time one of my children defines colours/objects as for girls or boys they are corrected. My ten yr old is alone in his class with this sort of thinking, I think it's tough to be a boy that thinks of girls as equal...ds2 is matter of fact about feminism, he thinks it's a given!

We do talk a lot about image, the right thing to do, sexism etc. I find an open and constant dialogue makes stuff normal.

the only comic I will buy dd is the beano mainly because it is only £1.50. If she wants one anymore expensive I offer to find her a book in the charity shop for under £3 that she will learn or gain far more from, she gives me a very look

I absolutly hate kids magazines espcially the fluffy pink sparkly bunny and cats one. I have no idea what it is called it is just regurgiated fluffy bunny pictures with a different back drop on each page and very pretty blond girls very similar looking to the lely kelli models, fawning over them, I think it is the gateway to magazines aimed at older girls.

My 13 yr old DD still reads the Beano

People do still say, "you are a tomboy". Or I assume someone must have told DD about it, cause she certainly didn't hear it from me.

I love the answer, "I am not a tomboy, I am a feminist". That would go down well in our family.

The images that girls see when growing up are very different to the ones that we used to see. I am planning to write about this - and hoping that I can an interview with DC Thomson (publisher of Beano, Dandy, Bunty etc) to talk about the differences between the comics of the 70s and 80s and the glossy image obsessed ones now available.

There is an American campaign at the moment SparkSummit. They have managed to persuade one teen magazine to stop photoshopping the images of girls and are now working on TeenVogue.

I bought TeenVogue the other day to see what it is like. They pay lip service to the "be yourself" thing but all the models pictured are slim, beautiful and flawless. Meh.

The other thing I think is worth doing is to encourage involvement in after school activities with children who don't go to the same school. This really helped me when I was being bullied - having friends that I met one evening a week that weren't part of it all.

I want to talk to dd about healthy relationships as she gets older but worry about whether she will listen when she becomes old enough to start dating - I never listened to my mother!

Marking my place for now but very interested as I am raising 3 girls - 2 DSDs 12 & 10 and DD 8.

fifty

What are her peer group like?

Just marking my place. No time to read or contribute right now but I will!

This is a really difficult subject and I wish I had the answer.

I have brought both DS and DD up to believe they can achieve anything they want to. Although we never pushed gender stereotypes DD has always loved the pink, twinkly, girly stuff (unlike me)

Both DCs have done well but whereas DS is confident, DD is not despite her abilities. We have always told her she is beautiful, and she genuinely is physically gorgeous, but she can't see it and has real problems with image, eating and anxiety. I wish there was something we could do to help her but, as yet, we have not found anything.

indeed.

fight back with sparkly hairslides!

an intersting point you make about the hair slides too hully and your ds, it seems possibly more accepted that girls can enjoy more masculin things and wear them well but slightly different for boys to do the same.

enthusiastic - I'm glad you cleared that up, I was imagining you shouting YOU ARE A TOMBOY...

when I say I have,,,that was not in responce to I say you are a tomboy but your post above about boy and girl things.

my dd does when I think about it, make a distninction between the boyish things she likes and the girly things she likes, though she calls the more girly things stylish

Can I mark my place as a mother of 3 young girls please?

I think I have only in responce to what impression dd has been given from others, mostly mothers with boys I think who invite and include dd to parties and play dates that other girls in her class dont get a look in. But I see it differently than them, they see dd as a tomboy and i see dd a caring and nurturing child and I think the boys like this in her.

when she was in reception one little boy cried every day going into school and dd always with out fail took his hand and walked in with him often without saying anything. They often still play together at lunch time.

PEOPLE SAY "YOU ARE A TOMBOY" OUT LOUD IN 2012??

I don't think we've ever talked about "boys" or "girls" clothes or activities or being a "tomboy." Not cos I'm so cool, I just don't think it ever arose. Everyoen just did what they wanted.

The only time I ever remember talking about stuff was when ds wanted (age 7) to wear the hair slides to school and I said it was up to him but some people might make comments about "boy stuff" (because they are insane) so it was up to him if he wanted to deal with it or not.

argh i hate typing a very good post that then gets lost, grr.

I see the tomboy debate has been touched upon, I agree with tethers on no need to make the comparison.

I think next time dd asks me "Am I a tomboy?" or "do you think Im a tomboy mummy?" I may answer with "no sweetheart you are a feminist" . I think it will go down a treat at soft play when the other parents are chuckling sweetly at what a tomboy she is and she pipes up "no actually Im a feminist"

that way she may show an interest and cotton on to feminism far earlier than I ever did and that can only be a good thing.

I have 3DDs, DD1 almost 8 is very girly, pink and princesses, DD2 is a tomboy to the stage she actually wants to be a boy, she dresses in boys clothes down to underwear, loves dinosaurs and wants to be a builder she's 6 and fantastic, DD3 is almost 4 and so far quite girly more into mickey mouse and animals than princesses. Ive patented them the same, also have 2 yo DS who is the most stereotypical boy ever.

I grew up with a mad mother who thought men were better than women, to the extent that she believed its ok for a man to give you the odd slap if he gives you money, seriously the mark of a good man was bringing home the money. All women were good for was having babies and cleaning in here eyes. I'm such a disappointment to her going to uni and doing better than my brother.

I so want to break this mould. We don't talk about weight or appearance either. We say it's ok to wear boys clothes they're just clothes anyway.

sounds good blueflyer :) its only recenlty ihave started to ahve concerns, as mine get older, the eldest two are 12 and 10 today! then 7 and 4 and then dd is 18mths.

i just think the internet is such a huge thing now in the lives of teens etc, am alreayd a mean mum as i wont let ds1 have a fb account yet! its a whole new world parenting a teen i think! i can cope with babies, toddlers and primary school age but as ds1 gets older i think the outside influences, peer groups etc come into force much more. cant fault ds1 he is great, doing brilliantly at school, well behaved, well mannered etc, but i just know that things WILL come up as he gets older, and its how to handle that natural curiosity about sex etc and yet i want him to know that what you see on the internet is NOT the same as rl life esp with regards to sex and porn etc. mind you he saw his sister being born, so hoping that has put him off for a while yet or at least made him think about the reality of what sex can produce!

have glanced through the thread but noit taken too much in, will read a gain later in greater depth.

The only thing I find that really bothers me is that my dd aged 6 who has a very wide range of interests is classed as a "tomboy" many of her interests change on a daily basis and others are very consistant and those are the more gender nuetral ones, tennis, swimming and also football and drama, both not so.

she likes "boyish" clothes as she says and some feminin clothes "stylish" as she refers to them.

she has picked up on being a "tomboy" and often seeks clarification thats she is in fact a tomboy. I tell her she is not a tomboy she is her with an interest in many things make her the "person" she is and it is not good to need to justify your varied interests with comparison to the opposite sex. I tell her she female and strong and has freewill and that is all that matters.

Yet society needs to justify her uniquness from the stereotypical role and push her in the male mould by giving her a noncensical masculine justification when there are many little girls and woman like her, who are no less female and more male.