Surnames - is this a step forward or the state taking on the role of domineering husband?

A lot of what now?!

There's a hell of a lot of cognitive dissonance on this thread. Vv sad to hear in the 21st century.

i think its is a great change. only women changing their name is pretty bizzare.

i choose 'we all keep our birth names'

My birth name was only my name until I was 4, and then I was adopted. I'm assuming birth name includes adoptive name.

My maiden name wasn't even my fathers name it was my mothers first husbands name, I never met him and was not connected to him. I couldn't wait to get rid of the name. When I married I toyed with the idea of giving myself an exotic glamorous sounding name but in the end I took Dh's name as it made sense as we planned on having children and it didn't rock the boat with my family, if I had chosen a name from my family tree it would have offended someone along the line!

I thought feminism was about giving women freedom and choices. The situation in Quebec doesn't sound very democratic to me.

Sorry Bue - xposted.

That's a good point - is it practicable to legislate on this without imposing a blanket ban on changing your name? If it only applied to married people or civil partners it would discriminate on the grounds of marital/civil partnership status, which is hardly desirable if the aim is to achieve greater equality.

Just to clear it up, there are no laws about what surname a DC can have in Quebec. It can be the mother's, the father's, or double barrelled. The fact that most still have the father's is purely societal, just as it is in the UK. For a time in Quebec double barrelling was extremely popular, though I'm under the impression that it's falling out of favour. On this topic it's also worth noting that, by and large, francophone Quebeckers don't "do" marriage anymore, so this whole name issue is almost a moot point! It is almost universally anglophone women who move to Quebec who get upset about the name issue - and I can certainly understand why some do, particularly when your name is expected to change retrospectively.

There are plenty of legitimate and valid reasons why you might want to change your surname: If your birth name was Bumgullet or Crappadoodle; if your first name and surname clash in some way; if you can't stand your father or birth family; if your surname isn't even the surname you were born with but an outward manifestation of your mother's marital status, etc etc

Ha ha don't be so radical!

It would take one hell of an acrimonious divorce to motivate me to go through the hellish process of changing my name again. It's clearly not a tradition which is suited to modern life, I'm sure it was all very well back in the day where there was only the bank and the postman to notify!

Leftwing I didn't realise until your last post that you don't actually have children yet (or maybe you're pregnant?) Have you talked to your husband about the naming issue, and does he realise how much it matters to you? Because it does seem to really bother you, and maybe there's some possibility of a compromise?

or you could jus tsuit yourself leftwing..

Now I feel even worse!

Snap Hully.

I wear an "engagement" ring now (though we didn't get it till 2 years after we got married, 3 years after we got "engaged"). No wedding ring. My wedding ring for the ceremony was my "something borrowed".

Me and dh are married, didn't have rings (I have a ring, but not wedding, now) and have our own names.

You'd think we had fifteen heads from the reactions.

messy they aren't though!

DH name was his parents names double-barrelled.
To only pick one, and combine it with mine instead, would have really upset whichever of his parents got theirs "dropped".
All of this sort of thing is very complicated, TBH, and many of the older generation are more than happy to kick up a stink about this sort of stuff.

We really need to get society away from the idea that names are important. I don't feel mine is, TBH. OTOH DH feels very strongly about his family name, both sides, and I don't know if you are ever going to get away from people feeling like that?

I suppose what I'm getting at is that I personally don't really give a monkeys, but an awful lot of people do, and changing their minds is going to be a hell of a job.

Messy I think there might quickly develop a convention from a free choice starting point but we could give it a try!

I should clarify I only entertain these concerns when I am arguing some point of principle with someone who knows I became Mrs DH name. I don't regret it any more or less than I expected to. Perhaps I will regret it less once actual DC arrive.

Ok, have worked out system! Everyone has double-barrelled: "mumsname-dadname" then when a couple gets married they have a selection of four names to choose from to make the most attractive double-barrelled name for themselves and their DC. There most definitely will be an app for that!

Everyone's happy

Leftwing I don't think it makes you a hypocrite at all, there's no such thing as 'feminist credentials' in my opinion, and we all have our reasons for the decisions we make about things like names.

It's a shame if you're regretting your choice now, of course (I guess it would be difficult to change back now as there'd be the issue of the children's names?). But honestly I doubt the people you meet are thinking what you imagine when they hear your name, most likely the majority of people don't give it a second thought.

There are people on the thread who did keep their own name and even some who have their DC their name. I can't help that feel that their feminist credentials are better than mine because of it and that I am a hypocrite who doesn't practice what she preaches and almost everyone I have dealings with must be indirectly informed of this.

Hotheadpaisan in Spain the mother's name survives just one generation. As soon as the DC marry, they create a new double barrelled name using their respective fathers' surnames, with only a very few exceptions.

Garlic clearly I didn't have to - in fact DH would have been happy for me to keep my name. However for whatever reason, "rightly" or "wrongly" I wanted to have the same name as my DC and I knew DH would never yield willingly on that one. I realised I wouldn't be willing to dig my heels in with a new baby in the mix and capitulated early on.

If my child grows up unable to make a a sensible decision based on his own thoughts and communication with a loved partner I will have failed in a far more important parenting decision than what to call him!

I made a choice re names which was different from the choice my parents made, and will be happy for him to do the same.